"Life, the Universe, and Everything"

Embarassing

2010-08-02T17:27:00.002-06:00

It's so embarrassing to reveal my weaknesses. I went to the doctor today and felt very ashamed to circle "yes" on questions about feeling anxiety and depression. The doctor was great though. I'm glad I looked for a different doctor. The doctor I saw last semester didn't even question me about my symptoms. He just wanted to prescribe a sleep drug with anti-depressant effects and move on to the next patient. I told this doctor that I was willing and eager to try anti-anxiety/anti-depressant drugs. I just want to be able sleep at night. I only had three hours of sleep last night and I feel horrible today. The doctor thought we should treat the anxiety/depression first and the sleep should follow. She prescribed the same medication that my husband is taking to control his acid reflux, and he doesn't experience any side effects of the drug. She said it would take about a month to build up in my system, so I'll take a fast acting drug for a month and then stop taking it once the first drug is working.

She also drew blood to test my thyroid. Apparently, changes in thyroid functioning can lead to increases in weight, irregular periods, and changes in mood. Even if the thyroid is not the problem, she thought the serotonin should stabilize at higher levels in 6 months to a year and I might not need the drugs after making it through these significant life changes.

I'm really hoping that this drug will help me get back to the person I am when I'm not anxious about teaching. Now that I'm definitely in this job for another year, I want to be able to function during the day and not live under a cloud of constant anxiety.

Insomnia....again

2010-08-02T03:46:00.002-06:00

This is the first time I've had trouble sleeping in weeks. After meeting with a friend of mine from grad school a few weeks ago, my depression finally lifted. I started working on research and threw together new analyses of old data and two new research IRB proposals. However, I learned a few weeks ago that I did not get the First Year Experience Course Director position. At first, I felt fine about losing the position because I wasn't sure the position was right for me after learning more about it during the interviewing.

But now I'm changing my tune. Classes start this week, and I'm up in the middle of the night typing this because I can't sleep. I had trouble falling asleep and once I did fall asleep, I woke up a couple hours later with night sweats. I've been awake for the past two hours, and I'm dreading the idea that this semester might be a re-play of last semester, where I began experiencing sleep disturbances every night and was so fatigued during the day that I could barely managed to keep up with teaching and couldn't make any progress on research.

Then I started thinking horrible thoughts that I would rather die than experience that again. I had to get up because the thoughts made me cry, and I didn't want to disturb my husband. I'm beginning to think that maybe I should take those antianxiety or antidepressant pills that my doctor prescribed for my insomnia last semester. But, I wanted to try natural sleep remedies first. And maybe I should start seeing a therapist, too. My husband contacted our pastor a few weeks ago because I just randomly stayed home from work, and he got a recommendation for a counselor. But I didn't want to make an appointment because I thought I was doing better.

Clearly I'm not.

Nice Quote

2010-06-15T10:38:00.002-06:00

I was reading an article about experiencing a life-changing rejection yet still succeeding in life and I just had to share this segment from the article:

To "allow other people's assessment of you to determine your own self-assessment is a very big mistake," says Bollinger, a First Amendment author and scholar. "The question really is, who at the end of the day is going to make the determination about what your talents are and what your interests are? That has to be you."

It really speaks to me. I'm sure I could stand to hear it multiple times. Here's a link to the full article.

So here's the skinny...

2010-06-14T16:16:00.004-06:00

I had the interview last week and it was disappointing. The morning was fine. I was introduced to the people in the program and other student affairs programs. Then I had a short break before the program head gave a brief presentation about the vision of the program. Then I had lunch with a couple other members of the search committee and had another break before my presentation. The presentation went okay. I had to present on difficulties first-year students face and strategies for success. I was a lot more fluid during the presentation than my practice runs, and a couple people gave me positive feedback. However, I didn't engage the group very well. Then I met with the former course director and it was nice because I already knew him. But, he really grilled me. By the time we were done, I was pretty much fried. And that was a shame because I still had the most important meeting of the day with the program head. I was so brain fried that I couldn't muster any enthusiasm, and I felt like it took all the effort in the world just to understand what he was saying and produce a coherent response. I then barely made it through the dinner with the program head and one other, including our spouses. It was nice to have my husband there, but neither of us could really carry on much of a conversation by that point.

It wasn't just my lackluster performance that was disappointing, I learned more about the job that made me wonder if it would still be a good fit for me. Apparently, much time is spent networking and getting buy-in from department heads, and dealing with needy instructors who don't attend lesson seminars and then expect individualized lesson prep from me right before they teach the lesson. The person leading me around seemed bent on making sure I understood how difficult it would be to spend long hours working and having little time for research and how there is no down time during the year like there is for faculty. It just left me wondering if this job was right for me after all. So today I applied for an adjunct position teaching at an online institution. Apparently, the courses are all pre-planned, and I would just have to facilitate. That sounds rather nice to me. The students would be graduate students in a doctoral program in education. I think it would be a nice change of pace to teach online classes to adult-learners who are grad students in education compared to teaching psychology in person to traditional undergrads.

All I know is that my current job is ABSOLUTELY NOT what I want to do with my life. And I don't have to feel bad about not liking the position either. Just because I'm working at a fairly prestigious institution, teaching small classes of highly intelligent students, does not mean I have to feel bad about wanting to leave this position. There was a time when I thought this job would be amazing but it's just my first job, and I'm still trying to find out what would best fit me. I should think of it as gaining valuable experience although I cringe at the idea of teaching one more year until my contract runs out. There was also a time when I felt the world was my oyster, when I dreamed big of a wonderful career ahead of me. Now I realize graduate school was an artificial life, one that does not mirror faculty careers. It's time to re-evaluate. Would this job in academic support and advising actually fit me after all? Would online teaching be the best gig? There doesn't seem to be too many options, and right now the road ahead seems very unclear.

Update: Job Application and Teaching

2010-06-01T10:31:00.002-06:00

Well, I made it thought the first cut. After my phone interview, the committee has selected me and one other person to come in for a campus interview lasting the whole day. I'm excited and nervous. And after the teaching evaluations I got for last semester, I'm really hoping I get the job. I need something that would be a better fit for me than teaching. Teaching is such a tremendously difficult, draining activity that I am simply not skilled at and the student critiques are quite clear about that fact. Ugh, I shouldn't have read my teaching evaluations if I wanted to have any semblance of self-confidence for the in-person interview next week. Readers: please be thinking of me on my campus interview this June 8th.

Preparing for the Interview

2010-05-11T10:05:00.001-06:00

I have a phone interview with people from the registrar's office for the position as First-Year Experience Course Director tomorrow. I'm excited, but it's been a year and a half since I wrote my dissertation on FYE, and I need to refresh my memory! Here's hoping for a good interview!

Teaching Gender and Sexuality

2010-04-01T15:43:00.002-06:00

Two class periods have been devoted to gender and sexuality this semester. For the lesson on gender issues, we had a guest speaker present, and she really pushed people's buttons. It was amazing to see how each of my four sections responded differently to her presentation. I taught the following lesson on human sexuality and spent time discussing students' responses to her presentation. I spent only five minutes clarifying one idea for one class. For the other three classes, I spent nearly the whole hour working through student opposition to many of her points. But, it was a great opportunity to get them thinking critically, and it was the most fun I've had since I started teaching. In one class, students wanted to understand the causes of homosexuality and we discussed the biases present in the textbook and elaborated on research findings and theories not found in the book. In another class, students wanted to explore Obama's position about repealing the "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy as it relates to homosexuality. I think what was fun about it was that students felt free to express their opinions, that students were interested, and that students began respectfully addressing each other's points in a whole class discussion. I wish more lessons could be like this one was, but I don't think the rest of the material will really hit home with people's strongly held beliefs like this one did.

Grading and Sleeping

2010-03-24T15:02:00.003-06:00

Grading puts me in such a bad mood because I have four classes with 80 students total, and for the moment, I have to grade four essays per student, which is 320 essays. It was not my intention to set up my class this way, either. We teach in teams here, which means I have less autonomy. Normally, I'm fine with that, but not when it means I have too much grading to do. Ugh, this feels like such an uphill battle.

I've been having issues getting a full nights sleep lately. For awhile, I was waking up every night at 3am, unable to fall back asleep. The lack of sleep was disrupting my ability to work during the day, too. I was getting so fatigued and started taking the afternoons off. I think the insomnia was mainly due to my anxiety over teaching. I read a few websites which recommended that a person with all of my symptoms should talk to a doctor. I set up an appointment and my doctor asked me very few questions. Before even talking to me he had decided to prescribe a mild antidepressant used often for treating insomnia. Ugh, I don't want to be handed some drug to solve my problems! I want to get to the root of it and understand why I've developed insomnia in this stage of my life when I've never had problems sleeping before. So I refrained from filling the prescription and instead I've been trying natural sleep remedies, such as valerian root and melatonin. It does seen to be helping. I'm not as fatigued at work, but I still have trouble waking up frequently every other night. A few months ago, I started exercising in the early evening and that helped me fall asleep, but not stay asleep through the night.

These are all just salves, like ointment to rub on the skin when the problem is far beneath the skin. I think teaching-related anxiety is the root cause. The first year experience director position finally open up. I have yet to apply for it, but I must make time to apply. I only hope that if I get the job, my teaching-related anxieties will subside and not be replaced by some other anxiety. Then I'll know the problem, of which insomnia is only my most current symptom, has a much deeper root than I thought. Time will tell, I suppose.

Conference

2010-03-02T17:40:00.003-07:00

My university hosted a small conference a couple weeks ago, and I was able to attend a couple sessions. I attended one panel on identity development, and learned that while identity development is primarily concentrated in early adulthood, it is a lifelong process. It was encouraging to think that my identity is malleable; I have a new identity as a wife, even a new name as I go through the name change process. My professional identity can also change over the course of my life as I refine my interest and explore different niches. The thing that stood out to me during the panel on identity development was how one panelist kept emphasizing that it is perfectly acceptable for young adult to drop out of college if they find that being a college student does not fit their developing identity. People often think of dropping out as failure, and I have carried that feeling of failure because I dropped out of my neuroscience graduate program. I shouldn't see it as failure, but as courage to decide to make a change when my present circumstances don't fit my identity. I find myself in the same predicament, feeling like my present job does not fit me as a person.

It is difficult not to get discouraged by my circumstances, but I should view it as another learning experience. I was encouraged by another seminar on bioethics whereby the speaker spent some time explaining how she started her career in medical school, but quit just before getting assigned a residency. It was so good to hear that another person has gone through the same experiences as I. She said that it is imperative to have patience because things will work out over time. She did some consulting for lawyers who's clients had health complications because they had been exposed to asbestos or some other toxin at work. She decided to go to law school and now specializes in the intersection of law and health, including bioethics. Her story was so encouraging; she disliked her rounds in medical school, taking patients problems home with her and crying frequently. It just wasn't a good fit for her, but she found a perfect fit in law school. If someone else went though a difficult time in the wrong field but eventually found the right field for them, then I can have hope that I will someday find a career that fits me better than my current position.

Blech...

2010-02-10T12:03:00.003-07:00

Ugh, unpleasant teaching day today. The first period was fine but the second period really dragged. They acted disinterested and wouldn't answer when I asked the whole class to choose which cause of death was more frequent. I hate when students are so resistant, and act like they wish class was over.

But, I'm beginning to wonder if part of their attitude is in response to my own attitude toward them. I don't talk to them before class starts, partly because I'm shy and partly because I don't get them. I don't look or act excited to teach them and I don't feel excited about the material. It feels like such an ordeal just to get through two hours of teaching. It's no wonder they aren't excited.

Although every class is different and I get more revved up in some classes than others. It's just those classes that act tired, disinterested, and disrespectful that get me down. It could also be the particular institution where I teach. I don't want to give it away, but I really can't seem to connect with these students. I don't understand them, their background, what makes them tick. They are a mystery to me. But, mostly I don't think I can really find common ground with them. They are mostly male, arrogant, and aggressive. Type A personalities. I am female, passive, Type B personality, and more willing to acknowledge my shortcomings.

So yes, it could be my fault, but the cycle has already started. I have 2/3rds of the semester to go, and it will be extremely hard to get through if every lesson is going to be like this one for the rest of the semester.

Reflection

2010-02-01T17:55:00.002-07:00

I realize now that a lot of my malaise shown in the last post was related to sickness. I had a cold at the time of my last post and feeling sick makes it easier to feel down. I'm doing better lately. I've started to settle into the routine of teaching and students are starting to get into the swing of things. However, I've been really searching my soul lately. I'm starting to think that I want to move away from a career as faculty. I didn't get the position as Academic Scholars Program director, but there's still a possibility of getting into student services as first year experience director. I did my dissertation on a first year experience program, and I'm hoping that would help get my foot in the door.

A new semester has begun, but old feelings remain...

2010-01-15T13:42:00.004-07:00

School has been in session for a couple of weeks now, and there have been new developments on the job front. A position opened for interim director of a scholars program at my university. I decided to throw my hand in just to see what will happen. In addition, my department chair dropped by to tell me that the temporary position that I currently occupy has received funding to become permanent. Apparently, the position requirements are higher and I would have to apply for the job and beat out others in an external search, but not until next fall at least. That gives me time to think about what I really want to do, because I'm not sure I want to stay in this position.

It doesn't make sense; I should be much happier with this position than I am. The department head is competent; everyone is incredibly nice and caring towards each other. I have developed good friendships with colleagues. But, I have so much anxiety surrounding teaching that I couldn't sleep through the night for the first week. My father gave me advice to exercise in the evenings and it has definitely worked. I'm trying a new teaching method called interteaching. I've been much more directive and authoritative. I'm getting more organized and writing out lesson plans. But, I still feel so dissatisfied with my job. I've been struggling to stay on campus, wishing to leave early. I feel depleted and disinterested in working on anything when I return to my office after teaching. I spend my evenings trying to shake off anxiety about having to teach the next day.

I just want to have a job where I feel fulfilled, happy, maybe even excited to go in to work. Could that be a possibility? Would I be happier if I taught a different class? A class that was more interesting to me than general psychology? I'm not entirely positive that teaching something else would make a difference because I've taught social psychology, child psychology, cognitive psychology, and general psychology and none of those made a difference in how I feel about teaching. I can't seem to truly understand how my students learn. It takes me so much time and effort to put together even the smallest lesson. And I'm just not that interested in what I'm doing. I feel stifled, as if the days march relentlessly on with no respite from teaching or teaching prep. I'm clearly not devoting any time to research, and I'm finding that being a professor is not the great fit I thought it would be when I first started graduate school.

I want to see what it will be like to work in administration. If I landed the job as scholars director, I may still have contact with students, and possibly I would feel more fulfillment in helping dedicated students go on to graduate school.

Even though graduate school was incredibly stressful and difficult, I started each day with a purpose. I strove towards that purpose, and I found fulfillment in pursuing a life of the mind. But teaching is a whole different animal, and I feel like I've lost my sense of purpose and replaced it with a "just get by" attitude. Is this merely the byproduct of transitioning from grad student to faculty, or do I find myself in the wrong line of work? I wish I knew the answer, but mostly, I wish I had the remedy....

Well now I don't know what to think...

2009-11-16T15:33:00.003-07:00

I introduced social psychology today by showing movies, having students act out skits, and demonstrating an experiment with students, in addition to some minimal discussion. But, then I found a white index card propped up on the blackboard by an eraser. Written on it was the sentence, "I never really understood much of anything during the entire class." There was no signature; it was anonymous.

I typical student would ask me for help if they didn't understand the material. Since this was anonymous, I assume that it was meant to intimidate me. It noticed the note after my fourth period class. I don't know whether it came from any other classes before that, but the horrible teaching critique came from my fourth period class as well.

Now, I'm afraid this may be the same student who left the teaching critique and the student may be troubled. The note could be an indicator that this student is about to burst under the pressure, and I'm his or her scapegoat or potential target for harm.

The Weekend

2009-11-13T22:04:00.002-07:00

An update on my sister: She really enjoyed meeting with her therapist. They just talked about symptoms and symptom management. And it turns out her therapist had panic attacks before, but she managed the attacks and doesn't get them anymore. I think hearing that made my sister feel much better. I'm really glad for her.

In other news, I was going to travel back to my grad university's town for a bachelorette party. But, the weather predicted snow, so I canceled. My fiance was planning a bachelor party tomorrow, too. Instead of canceling, he drove up before the snow was forecast to start, even though the forecasted snow goes all the way through Sunday night. He figures he'll stay with his friend all weekend, even through Sunday night if need be. Needless to say, I was very upset with him; I tried to get him to stay home but he resisted. Before he left, he asked me to grab dinner and meet at his apartment. I was still very angry and downed my food as I sulked; I could tell his expression was downcast out of the corner of my eye. As I ate silently I started to think about the premarital counseling sessions on the biblical roles and responsibilities of the husband and wife (to love and to obey, respectively). I also thought about the book my aunt and uncle sent us as a wedding present titled, "Love and Respect." Obedience and respect for the man is provided by the woman, and love for the woman is provided by the man. I tried to put myself in my fiance's shoes, and I realized that I would be exerting control over him that would be demoralizing if I demanded he stay home and he had to comply. Even if I think he's making the wrong decision, I might as well honor that decision. So I just hugged him, and told him I was only concerned about his safety. The tension in the air subsided, and within minutes he told me he loved me. As soon as I responded by respecting his decision, he responded with love. There must be something to all this love and respect business after all. I still worry about him traveling in the snow this weekend, and I hope that he'll be more willing to accept my input in future decisions or I might be the one to become demoralized.

Update on Teaching and Other Things

2009-11-12T08:37:00.002-07:00

Thanks so much for the comments on my last post about teaching. I didn't want to remind myself what I felt, so I didn't read over it again. The worst of the teaching critiques seemed to come from one student in one of my periods. I think I know who the student is, and I've spoken to him numerous times outside of class. He was really displeased about the changes that have been made to the course, and I think he was feeling helpless to improve his grade. His grade has definitely dipped since midterms, and he has a surly attitude in class, playing on the internet and refraining from participating in group work. Students here are required to come to class, otherwise he wouldn't be attending class anymore. He's the only student who has been behaving this way; the others are still trying to do well in the class.

I had a conversation with another instructor who started out using PowerPoint and found that her students weren't paying attention. When she shifted to a discussion-based format, she said the students had an easier time staying awake, were more engaged, and gave longer answers to her questions. I sat in on her class, and decided I would try some other teaching techniques instead of PowerPoint. It was really hard to move away from PowerPoint because I feel safe when I use it. I can follow a set plan for the class, and be sure to cover what I wanted to cover. But, since I moved away from PowerPoint, the students have been more engaged, and I've been feeling like I don't need to rely on PowerPoint. I've also endorsed the idea that I don't need to cover all the material in class. They can get everything they need from reading since the tests are entirely based on the text. I can do activities in class that focus more deeply on fewer content items. I'm feeling much better about this approach. I've started to feel like I have control over my teaching and that it's not a helpless situation.

In other news, my sister is going to see a mental health professional today to be evaluated for Panic Disorder. When I was talking to her on the phone, she was really freaked out. She was afraid to see the doctor and afraid that her condition might be permanent. She and I both have tendencies towards anxiety and shyness, as have our older siblings. We're thinking there must be a genetic predisposition for anxiety in our family. But, not until a few months before her wedding did she start showing symptoms consistent with panic attacks. Her in-laws made a big deal about the wedding and forced their desires for the wedding upon her. She got ill with persistent cold and/or flu, and that's when the panic attacks started showing up. I am really sad for her, but I'm glad she's seeking help. I really wish I could be there for her. I want to go with her to see her therapist, and I want to observe the therapy to check it's effectiveness. I want to talk to the therapist and give suggestions because I know my sister so much better than the therapist. I just hope everything will be okay.

My struggle with teaching

2009-10-16T09:28:00.002-06:00

The first time I taught was actually quite fun. It was an intensive summer class on cognitive psychology. There were only nine students, and they were interested in the class. I only gave essay tests and life was good. I had no idea how to teach, so I just outlined the material from the book, put it on an overhead slide, and read off what was on the overhead slide in class. It was very rudimentary, but seemed to work for that bunch of students. My course critiques were fine.

Then that fall I taught intro to psychology for two classes of 80 students. I shifted to multiple-choice tests. Tests were the only form of assessment I gave. I didn't know what constituted a good multiple-choice test. My students all bombed the test and the course went downhill from there. Dealing with irate students during class was not fun.

After deciding that the graduate program I was in was not right for me, I started a different grad school. I was given a teaching post just a few days before class started. I was to teach social psychology to 60 students. Once again, I was a novice teacher. The only thing I attempted to do was come up with different examples than were in the book, lecturing the whole time. Once again, the students bombed the first assessment and were irate during class. I started to notice a pattern that students would stop coming to class after the first assessment.

I decided I seriously did not want to teach ever again. But, two years later, I ended up teaching again; this time I taught child and adolescent psychology. The experience was even worse than the first few times I taught. Students were malicious, testing was horrendous, and I had to take an incomplete in one of my classes because I was so overwhelmed. I spiraled into depression, withdrew from my colleagues, and seriously contemplated dropping out of my program.

Against all desires, I stayed and taught child and adolescent psychology again the following semester. I finally made some changes to my teaching. I put more thought into the exam questions, wrote detailed study guides, and gave two writing assignments so students could bring up their grades if they bombed the tests. The class was made up of students who were vocal and appeared to enjoy the material. About half-way through the semester, I stopped vomiting right before teaching.

Then I taught child and adolescent psychology again to a group of 20 students during a three hour block of time. I tried coming up with activities for students to do to take up time. I connected really well with one student and okay with the rest. There were no major hiccups and the class went okay overall. But, I didn't particularly enjoy teaching.

After I graduated, I taught four classes of general psychology to 80 students total. I only connected with one of the four classes and felt overwhelmed the whole time. Students critiqued me lower than the other instructors teaching the same class. I was relieved when the semester was over.

Now this semester, I'm teaching the same class again to 80 students, and I had finally started to get comfortable with it until three weeks ago when I read the mid-semester feedback. Students thought I was boring, unorganized, and horrible at expressing the material. I get that students were reacting to the changes that were made since last semester. The department head got a directive from the dean to make our class harder because we were contributing to grade inflation. Now I think it is too hard, and once again students are revolting and I think some are taking it out on me. And once again, I feel too depressed to go to work and teach.

I actually said to my fiance that I would rather be sick and stay home than teach. So this week I got sick and ended up staying home. I was so happy and so relieved. But, even though I'm home again today, I'm feeling depressed because I know I have to get ready to teach again on Monday.

I'm going to finish out my contract to teach for the next two years, but I'm seriously thinking about getting pregnant just so I don't have to renew my contract and I can take a break from teaching. If I go back to teaching at all, I want to try online teaching so I don't have to stand up in front of a bunch of students.

All of this has been really tough on me because I feel like I wasted 7 years of my life pursuing some dream that I no longer want. I've even lost interest in doing research. I haven't done a research project since I left grad school last December, and I'm just not interested in writing up the projects I've already done. I feel like I'm in a really bad place professionally, and I don't know what to do to change it.

Advising is fun and house-hunting is not

2009-09-08T12:38:00.003-06:00

I met with my first advisee today to go over his four-year plan of classes. He had well-defined interests, so it was easy. But, then I tried to set up his schedule in the system, and had to juggle classes around until I could get it all figured out. Initially, it was stressful, but then it felt like a puzzle. After I got his whole 4-year schedule set in the system, I had such a huge feeling of satisfaction. It was actually very fun.

In other news, house-hunting has become very frustrating. We have been searching for three months now and we have not found the perfect house. I thought one of the houses we saw last weekend was satisfactory; it fulfilled all our needs. But, for some reason, my fiance is not sold on the house. I think it's because the basement isn't finished and thus, no man room. Also, it's close to a highway. There is a huge field to dampen the sound, but he seems concerned about his allergies, mice, and snakes. I'm beginning to think that it is not actually possible to find a house that we both like in our price range. I've decided to give up on the house-hunting thing for awhile. I'm thinking now that maybe we should just rent.

Teaching...it's so much better this semester

2009-08-25T17:33:00.002-06:00

Now that I'm over the hump of teaching the supplemental material, I've settled into teaching the Myers text. I have never appreciated Myers more. I just have to say the supplemental text was horrendous. The students didn't understand it and neither did I. But, I've taught two lessons since the supplemental text, and I've actually enjoyed it. Of course, I love the neurosciences, and it's such a relief to teach it. I'm hoping this enjoyment will last into some of the other topic areas that I know less about. I'm definitely feeling more comfortable teaching in front of the students. Bit by bit, I've moved away from the traditional lecture mode, and it has made a world of difference. There's also a world of difference between teaching in front of the students as a lowly graduate student and teaching as an assistant professor with a Ph.D. My confidence level has enjoyed leaps and bounds since I got that title, and it's associated pay. But, I largely credit some of the changes to the extensive faculty development I received during new faculty orientation last summer. The learner centered approach they taught us makes more sense to me now. The engagement with the students is much higher, and I think students are learning more with this approach. I've also been learning about the students and their lives. They told me about their "hall brawls" and techno raves today before class. I had to laugh. It's good to hear that they still have a little fun.

School has already started

2009-08-23T07:21:00.002-06:00

I'm already two and a half weeks into the semester when most colleges and universities aren't starting until next week or the week after. And let me tell you, this has been the most tumultuous start of the semester that I've ever experienced. We have a new course director who's in charge of almost every aspect of the class other than the actual teaching that I do inside the classroom. He had been directed by the department head to make the class more challenging, to incorporate critical thinking into the instruction, and to emphasize anthropology and sociology in addition to psychology. So other members of the department assisted in writing a whole new supplementary text to replace the first chapter and by which to conclude the course. Needless to say, I have felt very challenged to teach in areas outside my expertise. There has been so much upheaval with the class that I have been unclear on how to prepare the students for the quizzes. I suppose this confusion has been affecting other instructors as well because the overall average for the first quiz was 75% and the second quiz was 65%.

Above all this confusion and frustration on my part was that two instructors had to take emergency leave for a funeral and surgery. The rest of us were struggling to cover their classes. I was teaching every day and had caught the cold virus running rampant among the students. It was so stressful. At least I don't have to cover additional classes next week; other instructors who don't teach our course have pitched in to help. But, I was rudely woken up this morning from a terrible teaching anxiety dream. I dreamed I had come back from a conference and was unprepared to teach. The students were disrespectful and complained; the AV equipment was on the fritz, turning off and on at the drop of a hat. Ugh! I hate teaching dreams! And I needed just a couple more hours of sleep to catch up on lost sleep from last week. I was so stressed out last week that I would wake up at 2:30am, 3:30am, or 4am many nights, unable to fall back asleep before I had to get up at 5am (I teach the first class of the day, way to early for me.) I'm really hoping things will settle down soon.

New Faculty Orientation

2009-07-15T17:35:00.003-06:00

I just finished a week of new faculty orientation. Even though I've taught here for a semester, I still had to go through new faculty orientation. I'm very glad that I did. I learned so much about the learner-centered approach to teaching. I came away with a complete teaching philosophy, which I will post soon, and a reinvigorated desire to plan better lessons. I realize now that perhaps some of my frustration last semester stemmed from a lack of ideas as to how to improve my teaching. I thought I needed more activities and engagement, but I didn't have a structure to guide my improvement. Now I know that I can begin with learning objectives, design activities to meet the learning objectives, and assess whether students have met the objectives. I feel as if I have a practical approach I can take that will help me improve. My lessons can be intentional, rather than a haphazard collection of remotely related activities to wake up the students.

Secondly, I signed up to be an first year experience instructor this semester. I've also learned that the current director of the first year experience program will be leaving the position next year, and he's encouraged me to apply for the position as soon as it opens up. I'm actually considering applying for the position, although I don't want to leave my current position as assistant professor in my department. I'm hoping it will be possible to have a dual-appointment. I think I might actually like a part-time directorship, coupled with a reduced teaching load. It could be lovely to teach only one or two classes in my department while I venture into the world of administration. Plus, it would be rewarding to know I was doing my best to help students adjust to their first semester, potentially retaining some students who might have dropped out.

Wedding Planning Confusion

2009-07-06T23:09:00.004-06:00

So I've had the thought in the back of my head that I should be inviting my new coworkers to my wedding. But, I can't possibly afford to pay for all of them to be included in the reception. One of my new coworkers dropped by today and chatted with me about how neat it would be to invite students and faculty to attend the wedding ceremony since the ceremony will be on campus and the chapel is beautiful (hoping not to give away my location!). Other coworkers have asked me about the wedding in small talk, and they mentioned enjoying other weddings at that site. Hmm...yes, I think I'm getting the hint. I don't want to burn any bridges in my new work environment. So here's the idea...I'm going to look into using another site on campus as a reception site where appetizers will be served in standing room only with open invitation for an hour and a half after the wedding. Afterwards, only the people I had planned to invite to the reception will retire to an intimate family and friends gathering for a catered meal and dancing. Sounds like a good compromise to me. Only now, I'm thinking that if it's too expensive we might nix the reception all-together, and just go with the informal meet-and-greet over appetizers...except for the fact that I just put down a non-refundable deposit on the reception site. On the other hand, I could cancel the reception and put the deposit towards renting the lodge for guests instead. I really wish I knew what to do, but at least my fiance and I handled the confusion well instead of blowing up into a fight, which we've been doing a lot of lately. Although he wasn't so keen on inviting a bunch of people he didn't know to the wedding. Gah! I wish this was over with already! I'm actually not sure how much I will enjoy my own wedding since I don't like being in the limelight and I don't like socializing for hours on end.

I'm excited! I'm excited! I'm excited!

2009-06-26T14:15:00.004-06:00

We have been working with a real estate agent ever since we contacted him to view the first townhouse last week. Tomorrow he is going to take us around to see a bunch of other townhouses in the area. I'm really excited to see some other townhouses after that first dingy repo we saw. I'm excited, but I'm worried that my fiance and I might not be on the same page regarding these townhouses. Now that I found out my fiance can qualify for those initial townhouses in that gated community, I hope he doesn't find a townhouse he prefers that's located further south. Our job locations are out of whack. I'm very far north of town and he is smack dab in the middle, but in a more southern area of town. Unfortunately, there are very few townhouses located in a nice central area between our jobs. It's either going to be close to my work, or a place closer to his and further from mine. The four-bedroom townhouses in a gated community is close to my work, and anything closer to his work is only 2 or 3 bedrooms and not located in a gated community. He is very resistant to the townhouses close to my work because he wants to be able to get home sooner in the evenings to spend time with me and future kids. That's very sweet of him, but still, I want a place we can grow into, that is in a safe neighborhood, and likely to retain its value or go up in value. I've already looked at the comps for the gated community, and four townhouses were sold in the last year close to the listing price. This is a very desirable area. Nevertheless, I'm still excited to see the other townhouses tomorrow, and get our feet whet on the whole house-hunting experience.

Can't focus! Must concentrate!

2009-06-23T11:37:00.006-06:00

I'm at work and I should be writing articles and wrapping up submissions to conferences. But, for the life of me, I can't concentrate on these endeavors. For the last week, my fiance and I have been in a whirlwind of activity and I'm still caught up in it. It all started innocently enough when a couple weekends ago I came to the conclusion that I was willing to relinquish my desire to live in a house and actually purchase a townhouse instead. You see, we were working on the lawn. And that did it for me. I am so tired of lawn care, and when I found out a whole stretch of dirt and weeds beside the house I'm renting was also technically under my care, I just about blew it. I'm actually quite distressed and more than one person has suggested the added lawn care should be handled by the homeowner. But, I still can't help but feel that I should do the minimum work required to keep the weeds down.

And so my fiance sent me a link for a townhouse the following Monday while I was at work. It was a HUD repo that qualified for a $100 down payment. I instantly jumped at the opportunity and called the real estate agent for a viewing. He suggested a lender and I got the ball rolling to see what loan amount my fiance could pre-qualify for. But, when we saw the townhouse, it needed so much renovation that I wasn't sure the townhouse was worth it. The real estate agent put together an MLS search on an interactive website where we could flag our favorites and receive notifications of new listings. I was jazzed. When we found out my fiance could pre-qualify for around $200K, I studied up on the government tax cut to find out whether we could go in together, since I'm not a first-time home buyer. I did so much researching and found out about all these new options to get the tax cut before next year. Then I wanted to find out how much we could qualify for if we added my income into the mix because I wanted to have better buying power to purchase a really nice townhouse in a gated community. But, it turns out my whole mortgage on my other home would be counted against me even though the place is rented at a loss of only a couple hundred dollars. And now the lender wants all these documents proving income, etc and says it would really stretch us to get pre-qualified in that range.

So now I'm thinking I might have gone a little overboard. Perhaps I should rein myself in a little bit. I really want the day to be over so I can talk to my fiance tonight about all this. I think I should scale back my expectations, and be happier with something smaller that we can qualify for based solely my fiance's income. It's just so much excitement that I can't focus on my work! Must relax, focus, and get back to work.

Right Now I'm Exhausted

2009-06-03T09:16:00.002-06:00

Oh my goodness! I'm so exhausted! For some reason, I've been waking up the past three nights at 3am, and haven't been able to get back to sleep easily. I'm wondering if I'm waking up because of the new sheets I recently bought. My old sheets were so worn in places that they actually ripped and a huge gaping hole was left. My new sheets appear to hold heat better, and I'm usually feeling overheated when I wake up. But, it still feels odd that it should be almost the exact same time that I wake up each night. Perhaps the body's temperature cycle is like clockwork, but still...I don't know what else could explain it other than stress. I did have a brief stress fest on Sunday night because I had spent the last couple weeks running research in my old town and only coming back down here for the weekends to check on my cat. I just didn't want to start back up at work again this week. Up until now, I've had so much freedom during the summers in grad school. Now I'm required to be working on campus even though I'm not teaching (yes, I am working at a university, it's just that this one has different rules). And I had much more freedom when I was working on research up at my previous town. Now, not so much. But, I also think I needed a confidence booster. I was stressed not only because of the demanding, stringent work schedule but also because I haven't attempted to publish articles before now and that's exactly what I had planned for my return. I felt a little more confident yesterday when I made some progress on the writing projects.

But now my brain is kinda on the fritz...

I'm on my second cup of coffee and it seems to be kicking in finally. I can look at the screen now without my eyes blearing up. Sigh, gotta do this!

Moving...but not I

2009-05-29T20:42:00.002-06:00

My fiance is attempting to move down here this weekend. But, the truck reservation fell through. They made a mistake with a reservation, and let someone else take his reserved truck. There might be a possibility on Sunday, but I think he might have to wait until next weekend to move his stuff. This is a really big weekend for moving and every company is completely booked. It's been frustrating.

Sigh, it's also been a little sad because he was my last major connection to the city I've spent my undergrad, master's, and Ph.D. years. Now that he's leaving, I don't have a reason to return there as frequently, and I don't have a place to stay there any more. He has just as much, if not more, connection to that city. He's going to miss his friends and coworkers. I kinda feel guilty because I don't think he ever would have left if I hadn't left. I know it's a good move for him, but I feel guilty for making him leave.

Wedding Dress

2009-05-24T21:17:00.002-06:00

I think I've found the right wedding dress. I went to a little boutique that has been in operation for the last 20 years. The owner even designs her own dresses. That seems like a fun job to me, designing beautiful dresses. My consultant was very nice; she was very patient with me because I kept wanting to try on more dresses. I didn't get excited about any of the dresses; I just had a lukewarm response. It took me awhile to figure out what I wanted. I knew from going dress shopping with my younger sister for her wedding dress that I really wanted the fabric to be taffeta. From looking at wedding dresses online, I thought I liked the full skirt with bunching and gathering. But, I finally found something special with the last dress. It had angled rouching on the bodice with some beadwork. It's a very unique color, too. It's labeled, "gold." But, it is a very pale shade, a little like the warm glow of candlelight. There was another layer of fabric that originated from the hip and draped down in a angle around the whole dress. So there wasn't any bunching of the fabric in the skirt, but I preferred the layered design. I didn't actually order the dress, though. I was afraid to commit, so I'm going back next weekend to try the dress on again. Then I'll make the final decision.

Employment

2009-05-06T21:51:00.003-06:00

I am so excited that my fiancee got the job down here! No more driving an hour and a half to see each other on the weekends. He starts in July, and now that he'll be here for sure, I've really revved up the wedding planning. I want the have a winter wedding so we can get married much sooner than if he hadn't gotten that job. And I'm so proud of him; he'll be assistant registrar at an up-and-coming university. That's my man!

Time and Patience

2009-04-20T14:02:00.003-06:00

I need more patience perhaps. Things always do seem to come together in their own time. But, I've always wanted to know what these things were before I saw them come together in the present. That elusive future has always captivated me with it's mystery. I just simply need to know what will happen. But, perhaps the knowledge itself would be painful if I knew it was to come but it wasn't actually going to happen yet. Imagine if your five year plan of what you would like to do actually became your five year plan of what you will inevitably do. Come to think of it, such knowledge doesn't sound that great after all. What if the inevitable is not all positive? I'm sure we all plan out positive outcomes for our lives, never negative. Thus, I should be patient with my future, letting it become the present when it will.

It's just that I can imagine what it will be like and I have all these questions. When will I actually get married? Where will I be living after this contract is over and I presumably move on? Will I land a tenure-track job? When will I start having children? All of this was put on hold and I never allowed myself to imagine it when I was working on my doctorate. The only goal I could see was that of graduating. Now that I have graduated, the future has opened up to so many more possibilities, but alas, so many more questions. The one most on my mind this morning has been, "What will my program of research become?" I suppose I should begin to exercise that patience.

Engagement

2009-04-13T18:56:00.002-06:00

My boyfriend proposed to me yesterday! He sent me on an Easter egg hunt for plastic colored eggs, and said the golden egg held something special. When I couldn't find the egg, it turned out he set it on the coffee table while I was searching for the other eggs. He held the egg in front of me and opened it while he proposed. It was his mother's ring that was inside the golden egg. He told me that his mother had given him her wedding band and engagement ring, telling him to keep it until he was sure he had found someone special to spend the rest of his life with. I was so thrilled and honored to wear his mother's ring. I still need to get it re-sized before I start wearing it. No plans yet for the wedding date. I want to see whether he gets that job down here before we make any plans. But I must say it feels so wonderful to be engaged.

April Fools has brought Spring Snow

2009-04-01T22:11:00.002-06:00

And unfortunately it left a couple inches to make for a delayed morning drive tomorrow. Oh how I wish it would be spring, and winter would unclasp its icy grasp. But mainly, I wish the semester would end already. Lately, I've been wearing down and struggling to get by. It is very tiring to teach every single day. The department chair observed my most difficult class the week before spring break. Some weaknesses and few strengths were brought up. Student feedback on the course was made available online as well. Unfortunately, the lovely internet feedback mechanism made it possible to compare my scores with the other instructors who teach the same class. I have some definite weaknesses according to the students, and most everything else is average. I have such a tendency to view critiques as evidence of personal failure and not as an opportunity to improve. I have been trying to make changes to my teaching. But, I've also been fighting the feeling that it is too difficult for me to improve and that these are non-malleable teaching failings on my part. A little bit of helplessness, anxiety, and depression has settled in the last few weeks as I grappled with my teaching. I think I'm feeling myself pulling out of it though. I'm starting to feel more confident about trying new teaching techniques. And today my last class actually spent the whole hour immersed in discussion. I scrapped my PowerPoint and carefully laid plans when one student asked if we could discuss people's coping strategies (we are on the stress and health chapter). It felt good to just carry on a conversation with the students about their experiences and how they deal with their stressors. But, I don't think other chapters will go the same way since this topic was so personal to them. But it was very nice to see what they were capable of. When teaching is good, it is very good. But, when teaching is bad, it is very bad.

Traveling

2009-03-28T15:54:00.002-06:00

Since it was Spring Break, I traveled to visit my family in Texas. It was so relaxing and wonderful to see everyone. My younger sister is getting married and we managed to pick out bridesmaids dresses, her wedding dress, and our bridesmaids shoes in two days. She had done a ton of research online but I was still amazed that it was so easy to accomplish in person. I'm excited that my younger sister and her fiancee will be coming up here in the next couple of weeks for their engagement party.

My boyfriend is still away visiting his family as well. He seems to be having a blast and really enjoying his family. I'm very happy for him since he hasn't seen them for so long.

Sigh, back to reality on Monday. I'm really not looking forward to that at all.

Questioning

2009-03-23T09:52:00.002-06:00

I'm not exactly sure how I ended up in this position in life, teaching at a university. I'm trying to remember who I was when I started all this. I think I was pursuing graduate school for the wrong reasons. I think I had some idealized notion of what being a professor would be like. I wanted the prestige, the freedom to pursue intellectual interests, the autonomy. Now that I have grown older and changed bit by bit, I'm not entirely sure whether this is what I want anymore. In a sense, this is what I want. But, the ideal never matches reality. The ideal never was, and may never be. The reality consists of too much teaching and not enough research. I had some hyped up image of myself as a researcher when in reality most of what I've done is very amateur-ish. And my teaching has lots of room for improvement. I used to think that if I found what I was supposed to do in life that it would come easy, and I'd be very good at it. Would something else be easier, more fulfilling, and more enjoyable? Do I need to change my attitude so that I don't feel pangs of anxiety surrounding my job or do I need to change my career choice to something less anxiety-provoking? Sigh, or maybe I haven't found my niche in academe yet...it could take years to find that.

Sometimes I just don't like teaching

2009-02-27T17:49:00.003-07:00

You know, not every professor you run across is good at teaching. I should give myself more slack for not being that great at teaching. That's not entirely what this is about though. I'm feeling morose because my 5th period class finally opened up today, and I think it was because one of the other instructors taught it while I was home sick. Apparently, they liked her a lot, and I think she actually helped them open up. They are such a quiet class that I clam up when I have to teach them. But, she made them participate. I asked them what they liked about her teaching and one person said her PowerPoints were more interesting than mine. He had a lot of guts to say that. And another said she goes slow enough to write everything down.

But, what bothered me the most was that for once, the students were happy and boisterous before class started. They've never been that way before, and I don't know if they'll be that way again. So, of course, I turned a mountain into a molehill and asked myself why I'm even teaching. I wish that I enjoyed teaching more that I currently do. Because I'm an introvert and because I get all riled internally about small things, maybe I won't ever really like teaching that much. I stress out before I teach, and if it doesn't go well, I harangue myself for hours afterward. If it went well, the mild elation lasts for five minutes.

Maybe I should stop hoping that I'll enjoy teaching (occasionally I actually do enjoy teaching) and just treat it as part of the job. I have to make young people learn, that's part of my job description. Do I have to love everything about my job? I used to love research. But, I'm so focused on getting teaching right that I've let research slide. And focusing on something that makes you nervous is not a pleasant way to live life. Being sick this week has given me a break from teaching but I wish the break was longer. However, if I wasn't so sick, maybe I wouldn't be so morose about teaching.

Health

2009-02-26T17:48:00.002-07:00

I've been sick the last couple of days, and I stayed home from work both days. I thought I would be well enough to go to work today. However, I discovered I had lost my voice this morning. I figured I might as well stay home since I wouldn't be able to teach anyways. I must have needed it because I went back to sleep at 9am and slept until 2pm. I could have slept more, but I made myself get up to eat food and drink tea. Even though I'm sick, I have been rather relieved to stay home because teaching every day has started to wear on me. As a graduate student, the most I've ever taught is one class three times a week. Now I'm teaching four classes five times a week. It's a little draining. Oddly enough, it's not as bad as being in graduate school. Although I have to "perform" in front of a class every day, I haven't felt the need to push myself to do a ton of stuff. I assume that I'm going to have to push myself harder soon in order to get a research project done by the end of the semester. But for now, I feel content to work a few nights a week, watch TV the other evenings, and take the weekends off.

Between sleeping and vegging these last couple of days, I've worked on unpacking and re-arranging the house. It feels much better to have the house feeling like it's almost completely unpacked. I just wonder now whether I'll have my voice back in time to teach tomorrow. We shall see...

Teaching

2009-02-10T20:39:00.002-07:00

I'm still trying to learn how to be a learner-centered instructor. My usual PowerPoint-based lecturing approach tends to put them to sleep. The students here get to be so incredibly tired. I find it to be a challenge to keep them awake and interested in the material. I need to become more creative and come up with activities to get them out of their seats. I need to increase participation by asking more and better questions. I just wish I knew how to do that.

This House is Amazing

2009-02-02T20:09:00.005-07:00

I finally spent the weekend at home with my boyfriend visiting me. The last two weekends I have been back at my old haunt, cleaning like a mad-woman and leaving my new place in shambles. Last weekend I finally re-arranged plants and furniture and unpacked some boxes. I purchased two bookshelves for all my books. Soon I'll be able to take some books to work and unpack my office at home. With my living area neatly arranged, I realized for the seventh time how amazing is this house. Seriously, look at my pictures of my living room....

The lighting is low, yielding greater effect when I turn on the gas fireplace and light candles. It is incredibly soothing. Here's a close-up...

I feel incredibly lucky to live in this house. I can't wait until I'm done unpacking, and I can more fully enjoy the beauty of this house.

My House is Rented!

2009-01-27T19:25:00.003-07:00

I just turned over the keys to a nice family last weekend. I'm so happy to have rented my house so quickly. I cleaned the garage and shampooed the carpet last weekend in preparation for them to move in this week. They even have experience finishing rooms and they want to work on finishing my extra den. I'm quite happy to allow them to finish it since it will only increase the value of the house and I won't have to pay for labor. I'm pretty confident they will do a good job. What a relief it is to not have to pay rent, mortgage, and two sets of utility bills! I only had to pay double for one month!

Getting used to Being a Professor

2009-01-27T18:51:00.002-07:00

I'd say the most difficult thing is adjusting to the different way that we are encouraged to teach our student here. For one, students are required to attend classes. And they have to get my permission to miss class, which is amazing. Since students are required to show up for class, I don't have to construct my lecture to make it worthwhile to attend class. What I mean is that usually I will create lectures that cover different content than what is in the textbook. I test over the lecture material to drive home how important it is to attend class.

But here, students are instructed to read about specific objectives in the book, and they expect to be required to demonstrate their knowledge of the readings during class. Thus, I need to become more interactive in class, and pose challenging questions requiring them to draw upon their readings. It's actually a bit more difficult than simply constructing a PowerPoint for students to write down. And students I've taught during graduate school just wanted to take down notes from PowerPoint and were resistant to questioning, preferring instead the passive learning method. These students I'm teaching now don't like PowerPoint or prefer to have the PowerPoint provided to them so they can take notes on what I say instead of write down the bullet points.

I know this is a much better teaching environment. It is learner-focused instead of instructor-focused. But, it's a bit of an adjustment, and I feel like it is taking me awhile to change tactics.

There are other things, too. For example, I have to be at work on campus from 7:30 to 4:30 every day. I usually get so tired that I can't get much work done in the evenings. But, I still need to prep ahead of time, and the evenings help me catch up and move forward. I'm also so tired that I haven't been able to unpack during the evenings. My house is still a mess. Plus, I don't see my boyfriend during the week. So when weekends come along, I want to spend as much time with my boyfriend as possible instead of bringing work home. Thus, I haven't even begun to think about research, and how I need to start up a program of research and publish my dissertation.

Despite the required adjustment to these crazy life changes, I thank my lucky stars that I even got this job. This is the best possible outcome for me. I know this university is the perfect starter job, and I feel perfectly suited to the position. I can really use my time here to hone my teaching skills and form collaborations for research. Plus, I don't even have to teach in the summer. Apparently, I still have to be at work from 7:30 to 4:30 over the summer, but I can devote my time almost exclusively to writing articles. Whew! I'm really looking forward to that. And I'm really looking forward to my first professor-sized paycheck, which is one adjustment I'm happy to make.

I am a professor for reals now!

2009-01-13T18:20:00.004-07:00

And boy does it feel different. I'm afraid to say too much to reveal my location, but I'm enjoying being a professor. Immensely. I really like my new job. Everyone is so nice, so courteous, so helpful. I've been team teaching with another professor the first week and a half, and it has been so beneficial. There's much more of an interactive, questioning style here, and I foresee that it will be very positive for my professional development. Generally, the students are excited to learn and prepared for class. The class sizes are small to facilitate discussion, and I'm teaching intro psych, which will be much easier to prep than an upper-division course.

I've moved into the house I'm renting. It is such a fabulous house. It makes you feel so good to be living in it. My kitchen and bedroom are unpacked, but I still have lots of unpacking to do. Unfortunately, I'm usually too tired once I get home to do any unpacking. It will get done eventually.

My boyfriend and I are still living in different cities, but we are close enough to visit each other on the weekend. He came here last weekend since I actually had to teach on Saturday. The institution had to start a day late because of construction and rather than move graduation, they just had us teaching on Saturday. A bit of a bummer, but no big deal. Anywhoose, I'll be back this Holiday weekend to visit my boyfriend and clean up my house. I hope I can clean it all and prep it for renting, but I'm a little nervous that I won't get it all done even in a 3-day weekend. Here's hoping....

What a day...

2008-12-30T20:53:00.002-07:00

Wow! It's been a rough day. I met a student at school to create and print off the poster for an upcoming conference. I needed to get this done before moving. The computer that was hooked up to the poster printer at school was ancient and had not been turned on in awhile. I could barely even use any of the programs because the computer was searching for updates in the background and couldn't handle so many apps at a time. It was so frustrating. The worst part came when I finished the poster in publisher but the printer wouldn't work. I was quite perturbed because I didn't want to have to pay for printing the poster. So I went to Kinko's and found out it would cost around $100 to print the poster at standard conference poster size. Ugh! My boyfriend suggested trying to print it off at school one more time and this time it worked. After the computer had finally downloaded all the updates, it was free to print the poster. I didn't have to pay $100 but I checked my email later that day and heard back from my co-author. He found a mistake in which the number in the text didn't match the number in the figure. Sigh...I'm not going to correct it and print it off again now that I know how much it costs to print a poster that size.

In other news, I found out on facebook that one of my summer program students from last summer had a loss in her family. Her cousin died in a rollover crash. It was so tragic, and I feel so badly for her.

Moving

2008-12-29T16:00:00.007-07:00

I'm moving this weekend, and I've been packing frantically in order to be ready to load up the truck this Friday. The house is in disarray; every room still has something in it. But, I'm starting to get excited about the prospect of setting up the new rental house just the way I want it. The owners didn't want to move the ginormous master bedroom furniture down the narrow and twisting stairway; they asked me if I wanted to purchase the whole set, including a bed, armoir, dresser, nightstands, and a chair. I'm glad to buy the furniture at the fair price; although I'm planning to move the full bed into the guest bedroom so that I can still use my beautiful queen-sized bed. Thus, I'm upgrading both my master and guest bedroom furniture, which makes me happy. The guest bedroom is painted in blue; I'm going to purchase blue and brown bedding, and decorate the room accordingly. I love decorating. I'm excited about arranging furniture and deciding where to place decorative pieces. I guess there is an upside to packing and moving heavy boxes. I'm especially excited about how gorgeous the house is. Because it was a model home, it is outfitted with stainless steel appliances, a dual-oven, granite counter tops, a stained glass window, various paint jobs, and a decked-out bathroom suite off the large master bedroom. Sigh...I'll be in heaven...

Amazing New Developments

2008-12-17T14:51:00.002-07:00

I'm quite pleased to announce that I graduated with my Ph.D. in Educational Psychology, and just last week I secured my first job as visiting assistant professor. Ahh! It is very exciting. Luckily, I don't have to move very far, and I can still see my boyfriend on the weekends. The new position seems to be a perfect fit for me! I will be teaching four sections of general psychology with only 20 students per section. And they would like me to perform service with the first year experience program they just started up, which was actually the topic of my dissertation. This position is predominantly for teaching with very little research, but they encouraged me that I would still be able to do some research. I may have some time to devote to research, but it is not critical to get moving with a research project since I'm currently in the writing phase to produce some articles. Altogether, I'm very pleased to have landed a position right out of grad school and mid-year even! It's almost unheard of; thus, I'm very happy about it.

Teaching Realization

2008-12-03T21:21:00.002-07:00

Now I understand why teachers call on students. I have always been reluctant to call on students because I deeply feared that a teacher would call on me when I was an undergrad. It didn't matter whether I knew the answer or not, I wasn't about to speak in class. But, I inadvertently called on a student last time we met in class. Her head was bobbing so vigorously in agreement to something I had said that I asked her to share her point of view. At first she thought I was talking to the person in front of her who has the same name as her. But, she finally responded and made a very good point.

Today in class I asked various questions and she readily offered her ideas. I was surprised to see her raise her hand because she had never talked in previous classes. So my realization is this: calling on students and providing them positive feedback about their response frees them to participate in class on their own.

I wish I had realized this sooner. Now I plan to call on students more frequently, but perhaps I should try to make sure it looks like they have something to say before calling on them.

Kiki's New Teaching Philosophy

2008-11-23T22:12:00.003-07:00

I'm in the process of applying for jobs, which entails writing individualized cover letters, shifting around the order in which I present teaching and research information in my cover letter to suit the college for which I'm applying, and compiling all sorts of other documents. I had no idea it would be this time-consuming, and I've only officially applied for one job so far! In the process, I had to revisit my teaching philosophy. The first teaching philosophy I wrote can be seen here. Of course, my philosophy has changed since I've had more teaching experience. I haven't the stomach to read my old teaching philosophy; I feel I've changed so much it was written. But, I've included my new philosophy here, and if you are so inclined, you can compare the two yourself. Keep in mind that my new philosophy was written for a job teaching at a community college. Community colleges are very focused on developing excellence in teaching, and I tried to tailor my philosophy to the unique missions of community colleges. Please feel free to comment on my teaching philosophy; I'm always seeking to improve.

Much of my teaching philosophy is grounded in my research on college student retention. I find that faculty can make impressions on students that affect students’ departure decisions. If faculty can have such a profound affect on something as important as a student’s choice to continue pursuing education, then it is my duty as an educator to ensure that the impact I have on students is positive. Not only do I hope to encourage students to continue in college but I also wish to ignite in them a passion for learning and to equip them with the tools necessary to be life-long learners.

In addition, particular aspects about teaching that influence students’ departure decisions include students’ perceptions that faculty are passionate about the material they teach, care about the students they teach, and are physically and psychologically accessible to students (Lundquist, Spalding, & Landrum, 2003). Physical accessibility can easily be achieved by spending extra time in my office on campus and by responding to students’ emails and phone calls in a timely manner. Psychological accessibility can be achieved through an expression of willingness to talk with students about their needs. I endeavor to emanate an attitude of openness towards students and an eagerness to value their intellectual contributions to class. Furthermore, I highly value interacting with students inside and out of the classroom. Student-faculty interactions outside of the classroom have enormous benefits on students, including increased retention, academic achievement, satisfaction with college, intellectual and personal development, and career and educational aspirations (Lamport, 1993).

I believe I have succeeded when all my students can demonstrate learning and improvement. For example, I endeavor to foster critical thinking in students. Students do not need to be cajoled into engaging in critical thinking. They will do so if I model critical thinking as I teach, if I present material in an engaging manner, and if I foster openness towards students’ expression of their ideas. Subsequently, I find that students frequently ask me questions in class or offer critical evaluations of material we discuss in class. In order to allow students to demonstrate their critical thinking and knowledge in writing, classroom assignments include research papers and forms of evaluations include essay questions requiring application of theories and concepts.

Finally, I endeavor to engage students with the material I teach by occasionally infusing humor and real life examples into lecture content, and by including applicable demonstrations, assignments, and activities. I taught neuroscience to high school students participating in the Frontiers of Science Institute, a summer program for students interested in pursuing careers in math and science. After a unit on neuron communication and neurotransmitters, I had students take their chairs outside and line the chairs up to represent the synaptic cleft. Students took on the role of neurotransmitters and re-enacted the various neurotransmitters actions that occur during neuronal communication. My students reported that they understood the concepts more thoroughly after participating in the activity.

Building rapport with the students, interacting with students outside of class, and making a lasting educational impact on students are facets of teaching that I highly value. I welcome the opportunity to teach, advise, and mentor the students of your institution.

Graduation Ceremony

2008-11-14T14:06:00.002-07:00

I decided to wait until spring semester to participate in the commencement ceremony. That will give me more time to order announcements and send them out to people. And I can be sure that I will have a cap, gown, and hood reserved for me. I think some of my grad student friends are graduating next semester, too. It would be more fun to graduate with others in my cohort. So I guess it all works out in the end.

Regalia

2008-11-12T00:09:00.002-07:00

I was concentrating so hard on the dissertation that I neglected to order regalia for graduation. Now it's past the deadline to order regalia and I'm going to have to hope they have extras for me when they disperse the orders the week of graduation! I'm so horrified! What if they don't have the right size, and what if they don't have a hood in the right color? I can't believe I might not be able to participate in graduation, and I would be so embarrassed if I was wearing the wrong colored hood. This was the only graduation that was finally going to be worthwhile, and I might not get to participate. I feel so deflated.

More thoughts on the dissertation defense

2008-11-09T17:07:00.003-07:00

Sometimes you just have to let go and move forward, forgetting about the past. I will not let my committee members make me feel inferior. They aren't trying to do that anyways. They are just aware that I did a shotgun dissertation, and it would have been preferable to spend more time on the dissertation. I'm aware of that, and I agree with them. But, I think I'll just graduate and get a job instead.

I have to consider my current financial situation and current debts as I think about spending more time in graduate school, especially since the program doesn't support its graduate students to conduct research or even pursue funding for research.

It's just simply more beneficial to graduate, and it is no longer worthwhile to stay in school, even if I would benefit from more training. I should not have to feel like I need to defend my choice to graduate on a faster time line than is typical.

I passed...

2008-11-07T02:36:00.002-07:00

And then the self-criticism and self-loathing hit me hard. All night long...all I could do was bawl. It really is a hazing ceremony. And I didn't think I was worthy of passing and the other professors wondered why I was trying to graduate so quickly. They obviously saw that I was not ready to graduate, and that I would benefit from another year or two in grad school. The problem is, I know I'm not ready, and I feel like I'm hurting myself by trying to graduate so soon.

And only one person bothered to congratulate me when it was over. I think that really shows that they didn't think too highly of my performance even if they did pass me.

But, the worst part of it is that I can't stand it when people address my as doctor because I don't feel like I'm worthy of the title. Why do I entertain such self-criticisms? And how do I stop doing that to myself?

I'm defending my dissertation!

2008-11-02T15:54:00.002-07:00

The defense is this Thursday at 3:30pm. I'm trying not to get too nervous. And I'm still working on reading articles to beef up the presentation. But, I hope it will go well. That's the last thing I have to pass in order to graduate. Then all I would have to do is make any necessary revisions to the dissertation and submit it to the grad school by the following week. I can't believe it, and I hope it is over soon so I can concentrate on writing papers for publication, which I'm getting more and more excited about. I just want to puuuublish!

I feel so much better about the dissertation...

2008-10-25T17:06:00.002-06:00

...now that I spent another day working on it. I thought I would have to be done last night, but I just wasn't pleased with the product. Rather than sending it to my adviser this morning, I worked on it all day to beef up one of the sections in the lit review. The dissertation isn't that great, but at least it is much better than it was last night, and now I won't feel too embarrassed to have my committee members read it. Yeesh!

I finished writing the dissertation...

2008-10-25T00:41:00.002-06:00

I think. There is so much I left out and it's so short. It's no wonder the grad school tries to keep people from doing quickie dissertations by disallowing them to defend the proposal and dissertation in the same semester. I feel like I've done myself a disservice by writing this crappy document in three months instead of immersing myself in a field of inquiry for a couple of years.

But, I have to start making money. I just need to graduate and get a job. Would that I could stay in grad school and not have to think about money.

Sigh....I hope the defense goes well...

Lost My Momentum

2008-10-23T15:52:00.002-06:00

Ugh! Two nights ago, I had to switch my momentum from dissertatin' to preparing to teach. Since then, I haven't been able to get back into the mode of dissertatin'. I'm getting kinda tired of the dissertation and I can't seem to get myself to finish Chapter 2. I only have a tiny bit left! But, I feel so "blah" about doing it. It must be done by tomorrow night. I must do it!

Making Progress on the Dissertation

2008-10-21T17:21:00.003-06:00

I can't believe I actually just finished the discussion section of my dissertation. It's 28 pages long and I know that's kinda short for some people's standards, but I'm pretty happy about it because I did it in three days and it's good enough, I say. Now I just need to go back to the literature review and write one or two pages worth of stuff. I must have the first dissertation draft done by this Friday or Saturday in order to defend a few weeks from now. Yes, that is all very short notice; but, I really want to graduate this semester. There's a whole wide world out there in which to frolic with three magical letters behind my name.

I proposed a new dissertation today...

2008-10-07T21:38:00.002-06:00

....and it went fine. I really appreciate my committee members. Every single one of them is incredibly supportive. They were fine that I didn't have Chapter 2 ready and they were okay that the analyses I proposed may not be entirely what I end up doing. And they were so nice about discussing possible limitations without making it seem like the end of the world. I'm actually going to be quite sad to leave this department. I almost wish I could stay here just to hang out and do research and take more classes. Sigh, but the lure of making money is high...

Things are better...

2008-10-01T21:50:00.003-06:00

Phew! I'm pretty wiped out. All this emotional upheaval isn't good for me. But, I think I'm doing a little better now. I might even meet with my committee sooner than I expected. I'm trying to roll with the punches. I wish I was more like my boyfriend in that respect. But, at least I have him around to help me roll with the punches.

Teaching didn't go so well. I get bored with Piaget (I prefer information-processing theories) and that seems to translate to boredom teaching Piaget. Either that or my class was just really tired tonight. I gave back the test and that might have put them in a sour mood as I have a feeling the students were not expecting my class to be that hard. But, I thought they did pretty well, otherwise.

Well, I think I'm going to get to work on something....anything will do.

Freaking Out

2008-09-29T13:58:00.002-06:00

One of my committee members can't meet when all the others can and I just realized I need to have them all meet together in two or three weeks. But, I can't get a time that will work! And then I need to do the analysis and write it up within a matter of days to defend in time. What was I thinking? How in the world is this going to even work?

Gendered Learning and Development

2008-09-24T23:40:00.002-06:00

I was reading an article in the Chronicle of Higher Education today about the differences between the development of males and females in college. I was particularly surprised to hear what the research said about doing research with faculty members. I heard from other research findings that involvement in high-impact experiences, like mentored research, leads to higher retention and graduation rates. However, this article I was reading looked at how research with faculty affected beliefs about gender equality. Males who participated in research with a faculty member were more likely to develop more liberal views about the role of women. However, women who participated in research developed more conservative views about the role of women, believing women should be focused mainly on raising families. I was shocked. But, then I began to wonder if any of this had to do with the other findings that women are more academically engaged than men, but women have lower self-esteem about their academic ability than men even though they are actually doing better than men academically. I wonder if perhaps the time spent assisting faculty in research is stress-inducing for females, who believe themselves to be less capable than they are and thereby, they choose to elevate the role of caregiver, at which they expect to easily excel in contrast to researching.

I don't know. It just seemed rather disappointing. Perhaps if there were more women in the role of full professor, undergraduate women could participate in research with women mentors. Then I think women would not develop such conservative ideas about the role of women in society.

Along the same lines, I was also a little disconcerted by a conversation with a new grad student. Apparently, she has been receiving a lot of comments from her friends about putting school ahead of her husband and working on school-related things instead of spending each evening and weekend with her husband. She was asking me how my boyfriend and I managed things. I explained to her that pretty much all the time we spent together was comprised of me working on school-related things while he vegged. She just wanted to be validated in her decision to pursue schooling and all that it entails. I was just absolutely shocked that people are making those sorts of comments to her. Of course we as graduate students have to sacrifice our time with others in order to reach the ultimate goal of graduating. Of course our significant others, whether male or female, make the choice to support us by allowing us to allocate our time accordingly. And of course it doesn't matter whether we are female or male in that choice we make to pursue advanced degrees. I say we need more females pursuing advanced degrees and tenure track jobs. The Chronicle also states that females are far more likely to be in adjunct or instructor positions, whereas males are more likely to be full professors. But, both males and female undergraduates benefit more from female faculty members than male faculty members. We need more females in academia, but making women feel bad about failing to devote themselves entirely to their husbands doesn't help increase the representation of women in the position of full professor. I hope this is that last I hear about such comments being propagated among the supposed support systems of our young female graduate students.

Think Positively

2008-09-15T19:05:00.002-06:00

I had a strange thing happen today. This morning I was reading a post for a listserve I subscribe to and I was really touched by the post. The author described feeling grateful to be alive because one year ago today he sustained a massive aneurysm. I almost cried after reading it. Then I moved on to later posts and one woman sent a mean post in response in which she basically said that the author's posts are too personal for the listserve, and furthermore, what sort of job does the author have that allows him so much time to write such a lengthy missive? I was rather taken aback. I wouldn't have been so concerned if she had politely asked him not to post such personal things on the listserve, but she was very spiteful about it instead. So I responded back, saying I appreciated the posts and perhaps we could learn from the author by taking time out of our busy days to write something positive about our lives and show our own gratitude. Since her response was so inflammatory, many other people responded in the author's defense as well.

After that, I realized maybe I should try to post some positive things on my blog instead of complaining so much. So I will....

Let's see. I got one small article written for my job and that made me feel pretty good. I also got some writing done on my dissertation and I'm hoping to finish a rough draft of it tonight perhaps. Oh, and my family safely weathered Hurricane Ike. The power is back on in their home and there was no major damage to the house. I think that is something to be grateful for.

Dissertating again...

2008-09-13T20:23:00.002-06:00

I don't know when the slow transformation was made, but it seems that this blog has been filled with anxious and depressive content for some time now. Perhaps it started when I had to get moving with my dissertation and couldn't find a topic. And then I couldn't get permission to use the data and I had to change my topic. Now I'm trying to write a new dissertation proposal and it's taking me so long. The literature is so extensive. And every moment that goes by signals the fact that I have so little time left to make this dissertation thing happen this semester. I wish I had more time to do a dissertation on a topic that I would actually want to study after I'm done (isn't that what everyone else does?). I'm thinking about studying intellectual development of college students, but it would really help to know more about the topic. Sigh, perhaps later. I just wish I knew what was going to happen after all this....where will I end up working? What will I end up doing?

Prenatal Development

2008-09-10T20:25:00.002-06:00

Ugh, I really don't like teaching on prenatal development. I don't know that much about it and it seems more like biology classes, where you just have to memorize a bunch of facts. And for some reason, my office mate thinks its funny that I'm a female and I don't know about prenatal development. Just because I'm female doesn't mean I automatically know that blastocysts embed themselves into the uterine lining in the second week of pregnancy before a woman even knows she's pregnant. Even if I had experienced my own pregnancy, that doesn't necessarily mean I should know that sperm get caught up in the lining of the fallopian tubes and undergo chemical changes which make them more likely to be able to dissolve the outer coating of the egg. Yeesh! I felt so disconnected from the material as I was teaching it. It really makes a difference when I get excited about teaching vs. trying to get through the dry material. If only I could just leave prenatal development out of my syllabus next time I teach child development.

Dissertatin...

2008-09-06T17:02:00.002-06:00

Well, I don't have much to say except that I'm dissertatin. I actually feel like I'm making progress reading articles, which feels good. I sent an email out to everyone on my committee stating that I'm considering changing topics and soliciting their opinion. I got one positive response back already. I think I'll try to have another informal proposal meeting soon to solidify the analyses and the idea of moving forward with a different topic. I suppose I'm happy about that; I haven't really allowed myself to feel bitter about changing my topic. I keep telling myself that it is a change for the better and the response I got from one of the committee members confirmed that. The new topic is more in keeping with my degree in Ed Psych and it may help me out in the long run. It might even be the start of a research program some day. And it means I don't have to learn a crazy statistical technique, which I'm realizing I only have enough knowledge about in order to be a consumer of articles using that technique, but not to actually employ the technique. It's about time I saw myself realistically, limitations and all.

Grad Student Neuroses

2008-09-04T20:30:00.002-06:00

I wonder what it will be like on the other side of the Ph.D. In my most dreadful moments, I imagine that it is going to be just like grad school, only I'll be making more money. I had a pretty strong case of grad student neuroses this weekend, culminating in the worst bout of it tonight. For my seminar class, I had to read three chapters and answer 9 to 13 questions on each chapter. I spent approximately 15 hours on it. And I agonized the whole week about whether I would get done in time. I was so frustrated by how much time it was taking me that I seriously considered dropping out of the class. I couldn't possibly spend 15 hours each week on the class, without even getting to the hard part at the end of the semester. But, we only made it through discussion on two of the chapters today and the prof said she would scale things down. So now I think I will still stay in the class, but my neuroses didn't end there. I was so tired that I decided to go see my boyfriend and go out to dinner to get my favorite chicken wings. But, on the way over, severe anxiety hit. I feared that I had made the wrong decision and that I should be working tonight. So after I got there and explained to him, I turned around and went back home to eat leftovers. Bleck! Life really sucks. So now I'm thinking to myself, is this what it's going to be like to be an assistant professor on the tenure track? Because if it is, life is going to suck for a really long time. Maybe I should just content myself with a slew of temporary adjunct positions....

Another Sleepless Night

2008-08-20T01:24:00.003-06:00

I thought sleepless nights were a thing of my past. I used to periodically stay up until 3am ruminating on something and then brain dump on my blog in order to help myself fall asleep. But, I haven't done that in such a long time...until now. I've been in bed for the last two hours trying to fall asleep, but to no avail. So much has been happening in the last two days that I can't get it all out of my head and I'm too overwhelmed. I went to a TA orientation, of which there is nothing too significant to report except that I noticed a handout with the important dates regarding graduation. Shock and horrors to find that I the deadline to apply for a fall graduation is next week. Then I discovered that the deadline to request a doctoral defense meeting is October 23rd, with the final day to actually defend being November 6th. And the following week is the deadline to submit a final copy of the dissertation to the graduate school. Working backwards, I realized my idea to conduct a structural equation model with the data that I did have was way too ambitious for that schedule. So I took a few moments to freak out and hyperventilate until I realized that maybe I could use the article that I just finished writing last week on the same dataset; but, which is preliminary to the SEM project I had planned to do. The article could be adapted to dissertation format and 20 pages could be added in the next couple weeks. This might actually be feasible. I'm so overstimulated by this and wishing to talk to my advisor to figure out next steps, such as when I should relate to my committee this not-so-tiny change in protocol. And whether this idea will fly....

Sigh...I don't think that was enough of a brain dump to make me fall asleep. While I'm awake, I might as well get some work done.

Woes Unveiled

2008-08-18T21:33:00.003-06:00

Last weekend was just not good. I was restless and disgruntled. I didn't get anything accomplished, and I was quarrelsome towards my boyfriend. Ugh....

But, today seems to have been a little better, partly because I spent a good portion of it engaged in school-related conversations with various people. I met with a research adviser to discuss a submission to SRCD and writing up an article to publish. Yes! One more possible publication and I don't have to be the driving force on it. I then met with my main adviser to revisit the possibility that I will have to scrap my current dissertation and start over because one of the committee members is flaking out. When asked, he keeps giving verbal assurance that he'll obtain permission to use the data, but he never contacts me to say he actually obtained permission. So my adviser wrote him an email with a deadline of two weeks. Bear in mind this whole process to obtain permission to use the data began last November, almost a full year ago.

I'm not looking forward to holding a new proposal meeting, writing everything from scratch (my original proposal was 100 pages long), and completing all of this in one semester. But, I am glad that I'm not under someone else's control now. The graduate school says I can change my topic, so I probably will. I'm going to go with what I've been researching as part of my job. I've already obtained verbal consent to use the data from them.

For some reason, I just feel better knowing that I have control again and that everything is up to me now. If I fail, it's because of me, not because of impediments from others.

I think I just might be ready to start the school year now....

School is almost here...

2008-08-16T15:33:00.002-06:00

Sigh, the time is short. I'm just glad I won't be working 30 hours a week in an office anymore. I really need to vary my time, my location, and my activities. Doing the same thing for extended amounts of time in the same place is draining on me. But, I seemed to do much better last week, perhaps because I could sense that school was starting, and I wouldn't have to keep this up for much longer. Next week is the last week of relative freedom. I'm going to miss my relaxing weekends the most, I think. Sigh, oh well.....

Introspection

2008-08-08T11:00:00.002-06:00

I have been struggling ever since I finished teaching this summer. I am dragging my feet and don't quite understand why. I haven't been able to work consistently at my academic support job. I'm working the entire day one day and struggling to make it past lunch the next. It seems the job has lost its glamor or that I am mentally separating from it because I might be leaving soon. But, the greatest possibility is that I'm spending the time writing an article for publication and for some reason, I really struggle with that. Perhaps I lack confidence. I know that publishing an article will put me and my ideas out into the scientific community, and I would rather hide and observe at the sidelines right now. I don't have confidence that my work could be adequate and so I don't want to embarrass myself by attempting to publish it.

But, I think all of this stems from a deeper issue. My mind fights between lack of confidence and egotism and being prideful about my abilities. For any stretch of time, it seems that one of those has dominance. And right now, lack of confidence has dominance. I thought I had conquered pride, but I didn't realize I needed just as much to conquer lack of confidence. And probably more so because pride keeps me working, but lack of confidence stifles my productivity.

And so I fear the start of school because it brings with it the test of my abilities to finish my dissertation. I hear many times how others become sick and tired of their dissertation by the time they are done. But, that cannot be my problem because I am allowing myself very little time to do the dissertation and I remain content with only gleaning the top off the surface of my topic. Why do I remain content with that? That is my second fear, it appears that I graze a topic, formulate a study, and drop it entirely once I am done, without attempting to publish it. Must I continuously seek new stimulation rather than finding contentment in one topic to study deeply? I fear that in my attempts to secure a faculty position, it will become apparent how ill-equipped I am, how lacking in knowledge I am due to all this grazing. But, if I failed to finish this semester, would I just be hiding from myself, withdrawing from the next stage of life? Would fear win and I lose?

Summer vacation(??) is coming to a close...

2008-08-06T13:31:00.003-06:00

I can sense the pull of the academic year starting all over again. It brings with it a certain measure of anxiety. It didn't used to...back in the glory days of my grad student youth, I fervently longed for school to start. But, not anymore. It is for the best, I think...for it indicates a changing of the wind. Or growth...or a desire to be on the other side of this academic fence, separating the grad from the prof. It is a time of transition. But, the question still lingers in the air, "Will I graduate this December?" And even if I do, will I have a job to move on to? But, most importantly, will I really be ready to live on the other side of that fence? That is certainly the question.

Leaving all that aside, things are moving forward for the start of school. I seem to be clearing my plate for the madness that is to come. I will no longer be teaching one of my classes. And I've managed to switch my other class so that I'll be teaching a class I've already taught before, rather than a new prep. In addition, the class is only held one day a week for 3 hours. I've never taught a 3-hour-long class before, but it certainly frees up my time during the rest of the week. I do have a number of other things to accomplish before school starts, but don't we all...

Summer...the heat is on...

2008-07-22T11:54:00.002-06:00

The summer heat has been slowly creeping up on me. The last couple months have been rather cool in comparison to what I would have expected. But, now the heat has reared its ugly head and I have resorted to turning on the AC more frequently over the course of the day. It's days like these that I wish I had a small ranch style house. But, no, my bedroom is on the top floor amidst the accumulation of hot, putrid air. Well, maybe not putrid, but still....

Perhaps this sensitivity to heat is because I am at home during the day now. I finished teaching last week and now I don't know what to do with myself. I find that when I am exhausted and overwhelmed, I manage incredible feats of productivity. But, when I have all the time in the world to do that which I have put off in the interest of finishing the most pressing requirements, I simply crash. I squander my time and delay the laundry, cleaning, and lawn work. It seems now that I would rather be working and paying someone else to complete those other necessities of life.

Aside from that, the teaching job has taught me that no matter how nervous I get about teaching the night before or the morning of, teaching is one of the most gratifying activities I could be doing. I have never had so many students and parents express their appreciation towards me and my teaching. Now I see that teaching can really impact other people, especially during the formative time of their lives.

And now I finally realize that this is what I should be doing with my life.

Dissertation Proposal

2008-06-04T14:21:00.002-06:00

My dissertation proposal defense is tomorrow at 1pm. I have to present my proposal and they decide to let me start the research or make changes to the proposal and try again. I'm not getting anxious. For some reason I'm getting depressed instead. I just have this feeling that I don't want to work on the presentation even though I know I need to. Basically, this sense of depression is keeping me from working. I just don't want to defend my proposal tomorrow... or ever. I don't know how grad students actually manage to finish...

Follow-Up to Anxiety Dreams Post

2008-06-02T14:04:00.002-06:00

I dreamed too soon. My advisor got an email from my research advisor in which he wanted to know how much of the analyses for my dissertation I could do independently because he was not prepared to "do it all for me." (For the record, IRT and SEM are not that easy to do on your own without much training other than conceptual knowledge).

So now my feeling of being relieved by following my research advisor in my dream is pretty much dashed. I was expecting him to help more than I realize he's willing to help. Now I really wish that I had gone or stayed at some other university where the education and mentoring of students is better. I'm just not getting what I need out of this program.

And now I don't know what to do about my dissertation...

Anxiety Dreams

2008-05-31T11:49:00.002-06:00

Its less than a week before I defend my proposal and attend orientation for teaching upward bound students. I'm already having anxiety dreams that are pretty obvious. I'm in a car with my boyfriend. He's in the passenger seat and I'm in the backseat. Nobody is in the driver's seat, but the car is going. I'm frantically trying to grab the wheel from the backseat to keep the car from careening off the road. But, my boyfriend won't help me drive the car; he's sitting there like a lump on a log. Then as we approach the bridge, we discover the road has caved in and there's no way to get to the other side. I somehow manage to stop the car and venture out alone. I climb down one ladder and up another to this unusual place where people are trying to get where they are going. I feel lost, but then I spot my research advisor and follow him. I feel immensely relieved and then I wake up. That dream is so obvious I'm not even going to bother describing the interpretation. Yeesh! I'm so ready for this dissertation phase to be over with and I've barely even started.

Oh well...

2008-05-20T20:51:00.003-06:00

I'm in limbo. School is over, but my next teaching stint hasn't started yet. For awhile I was filling the time by being sick and vegging with my boyfriend. But, he got better and he's back at work while I'm still sick at home. I'm certain that there are many things I should be working on, but I can't seem to make myself start working on them. I used to occupy my spare time by reading news articles on the Internet. But, that has bored me. I'm just restless and discontented. I suppose I can blame it on being sick, but I think it may be because I'm tired of school. Or I'm just tired. Or I'm just waiting for this to be over because I'm starting to reach the end and I don't know what's coming next. Sigh....oh, well.

Pink Eye...Sigh

2008-05-19T22:09:00.002-06:00

I've been sick for almost a week now. My boyfriend came over last Monday and brought germs with him. Neither of us new he was sick until he developed a fever later that evening. Sigh, it was too late for me..within a couple days, I was just as sick as he was. But, the strange thing was that his rapid strep test was positive for strep but mine was negative. He had an ear infection, but I developed pink eye.

Pink eye has got to be one of the most unpleasant common maladies you can experience. It usually takes about three days before symptoms show up, but your strep or cold or flu has begun to run its course. Just as soon as it seems the worst of it is over, you get hit with pink eye and it starts all over again. Both my eyes are infected now...sigh...when will it end?

I need to be well enough to go back to work and get school-related stuff done. Sigh...

Parting

2008-05-13T17:08:00.003-06:00

A very good friend of mine, Kelly, has been staying with me for the last two weeks before she, her husband, and one-year-old child move to Kansas. I will greatly miss her and our frequent chats over coffee. But, I was so glad that she and her son could stay with me before they all moved so that I could spend more time with her before she left. I can defininetly say my house feels so empty now. Kelly has been such a stabilizing force in my life for the last two weeks. From her, I learned what it really meant to be selfless and to lay one's life aside for others. She became for me a model to emulate because she is such an incredible mother and wife. Each day when I got home, she had prepared a wonderful meal and she kept everything so clean. I never realized what a difference it made to have a tidy house and good food on the table. Kelly is such a good steward, teaching me through example how to maintain a budget and find the greatest deals on food. She is such a conscientious mother, too. Her child is so happy, healthy, and well-adjusted. She and her husband are teaching their child baby sign and infant potty training (which works!). But, they are also training their child appropriate behaviors with so much patience. What I found most amazing was that she wanted to leave all of my things the way they were in the house so that she could teach her child what was acceptable to touch and play with and what was not. If it were up to me, I would have baby-proofed the house so that I wouldn't have to deal with telling the child "No." But, then the child never gets the chance to learn to obey the adult.

I am really going to miss Kelly. Our brains were on the same wavelength and we enjoyed analyzing things to a pulp. Our conversations were lively, interesting, and illuminating. It was as if we sustained each other through conversing about life, concepts, ourselves, and the people in our lives. I wish Kelly great success as she steps onto the K-state campus to touch other peoples' lives the way she has touched mine. And I hope that she will be a lifetime friend.

Ego

2008-05-13T09:23:00.001-06:00

This article from The Chronicle of Higher Education couldn't have come at a better time.

I passed my comps defense

2008-05-12T15:49:00.002-06:00

And it was not very pleasant at all. I didn't expect it to be pleasant anyways and I suppose it could have been A LOT worse, but I've had to fight back tears at work all afternoon since the comps presentation since this morning. My two major advisers congratulated me on passing and thought I did fine. But, I don't think so. All I can think of is that I could have done a lot better. There's no joy in passing because I feel like it is undeserved.

Shock and Surprise

2008-04-27T21:58:00.002-06:00

Did I actually just finish writing my dissertation proposal? Could that actually have happened or did I dream it? I can't believe I finished the first completed draft of Chapters 1, 2, and 3! Somebody pinch me because I can't believe I did it...

Graduating is a possibility

2008-04-23T21:44:00.002-06:00

I have the graduation refrain playing in my head. I was just talking to another grad student today and she was telling me that I could choose to wear the blue hood from Education Psychology or the white hood from Psychology. Choices! Choices! I don't know which one to wear, but it totally put things in perspective for me. I'm getting pretty close to graduating if I manage to finish my dissertation before the end of next fall. I must! But, I feel like there's still so much to learn.

My written comps passed the evaluation from both readers last Monday. The results were sent over to the grad school and now I have the go-ahead to schedule my oral comps defense. I still have to make edits to my papers that one reader has requested before I hand out the comps papers to my committee next Monday.

Now I just need to finish writing my dissertation proposal. Ugh! I only have this weekend left to do so.

Tax Refund

2008-04-07T20:13:00.002-06:00

Whew! I'm getting more back from the IRS than I expected this year. And it almost covers the full amount of my landscaping bill. I'm quite relieved, but still in shock by the fact that I might be able to pay it off so soon. Now on to the business of preparing to lecture tomorrow.

My Seat Belt Broke

2008-04-02T17:22:00.003-06:00

Unusual things have been happening this week that have thrown me. On Monday, my bank accounts were both completely drained of money to in order to landscape. I haven't been able to feel at ease since then. I freaked out after spending my last money on food that I have to throw away. Then today my seat belt broke. It won't roll back up or lock in place. It just seems like all these little things are happening to provoke me just as soon as my finances are depleted. And I must say, I haven't been handling them well. I'm deflated again. I can't believe I can't wear a seat belt anymore. I already knew my care was not safe to drive, but now I can't even have the security of wearing a seat belt. Its going to bother me every time I get in that car now. Its going to make my boyfriend even more anxious about me driving, too. The car just needs to be junked. Its falling apart piece-by-piece, kinda like me this week.

Meh! Ugh! Blech!

2008-03-31T21:40:00.002-06:00

Ugh, I'm feeling so deflated now. I wish I hadn't bought $30 of meat that turned out to be spoiled. Grr...

Life is Strange

2008-03-25T18:44:00.002-06:00

It has indeed been a strange day. I felt like it was mostly a social reconnection or disconnection day. I found out that a friend I only partially knew from Kansas is going to be sent off to Iraq soon. But, I think he has mixed feelings about using a gun on someone. I really wish he had never been persuaded to join, I just don't think he has the right personality for military duty. So I joined his supporter group on Facebook.

Then I found out a friend of mine from high school had a miscarriage. She's been crying every day since it happened. She lives in Arizona and all I could do was call her. But, she seemed upbeat and chatty and avoided talking about the miscarriage. I don't think she wanted sympathy, but she sure wanted to talk about anything else.

Then I found out I had to remove one of my committee members because he had let his qualifications for being on a dissertation committee expire. I felt weird about asking him if I could take him off my committee so that I could push my committee paperwork forward. But, he seemed fine with it.

And then I finally responded to emails from other friends and had coffee with another friend who recently moved back to town temporarily before moving out to Kansas.

Disconnections, reconnections...surprising news...unhappy news. It seems like others are in a state of flux, but not me for once.

In other news, spring break is over and school has started. I actually finished my comps papers within a three-day time frame last week. This is the first spring break where I actually feel like I accomplished what I set out to accomplish. I actually feel good about my productivity over spring break. All previous spring breaks I either crashed or felt like I didn't get everything done. Things have been really turning around for me this semester. I hope to keep it up and actually defend my comps and proposal at the end of this semester.

Me vs Ph.D. Requirements: The Comps Papers

2008-03-19T21:02:00.003-06:00

I vaguely recall writing a few posts about me vs. Ph.D. requirements. Let me detail those requirements. I'm at the stage now where I need to write two comps papers. At least one paper must be on an empirical project I have done and the other can be a literature review. I've done enough research projects in the past to eek out two empirical papers. So that's the route I took. Once I'm done writing the papers, I have to submit them to my advisor and at least one other person to read. Both people must pass the papers in order for me to move forward. Then I schedule an oral defense of the papers with my whole dissertation committee. I describe the research projects and then my committee asks me questions. Yikes! At least is it better than a comprehensive test that lasts a few days. Finally, I write my dissertation proposal and defend that. I'm actually planning to defend both comps and dissertation proposal on the same day. I hope we all can handle it!

So far, I just finished writing completed drafts of both my comps papers. Phew! I can't believe I finished them both within three days! Although, I did have significant portions of both already written and I was familiar with the literature on both. Writing a paper from scratch on a topic that is new to me takes much more time.

Well, now I'll submit the papers to my advisor and get some feedback. Hopefully, I won't have much more work to do on the papers.

Philosophical mumbo jumbo revisited...

2008-03-11T15:04:00.004-06:00

Well, in case my previous post about this was confusing (as I imagine my ramblings often are) I decided to take another stab at explaining it. Class was cancelled, so we had one more week to digest the article. I thought I'd read over the article one more time and attempt to explain my frustrations with it more clearly.

Here are two major points I gleaned from the article:

(1) The psychologist often constructs a term to explain a set of behavior. Then it is easy to take the next step of projecting the term on an individual, thereby assuming that the individual is engaged in the behavior indicated by the term. In other words, Bredo states:

"In this form of conceptual confusion, the psychologist believes that the concepts he or she uses to explain the behavior are used by the organism itself" (p. 46).

(2) The second step that is often taken is that the psychologist will assume the term used to describe a behavior is an entity itself and that the entity resides within the individual. For example, intelligence is a term used to describe adaptable behavior and extensive knowledge. However, it is often assumed that intelligence is an ability that an individual possesses to some degree. But, intelligence is a term that describes the behavior. It is not a term that explains the behavior. Suppose we were to ask why a child scored well on an intelligence test and then assume the child did well because she was intelligent. We would be committing a conceptual error according to Bredo (and Gould, among others). This is circular reasoning and also called reification of constructs.

In summary, "one takes a pattern of behavior, gives that pattern a name, takes this named "thing" to be a physical entity or as having some of the properties of a physical entity, and then views the person's behavior as being caused by having this entity inside them....a example would be claiming that a volcano erupts because it has "eruptibility" inside it" (p. 47).

So maybe you can see why I'm a little thrown off. In psychology, you get so used to your particular vernacular that you don't stop to consider that these words have been made up by some psychologist in the past and they have no inherent meaning other than to provide a description. Where do we go from here when almost everything a psychologist talks about is supposedly a reified construct? Beats me...

I am honored

2008-03-10T16:43:00.002-06:00

It felt so nice to open up my mail and see that I was invited to attend the Honors Banquet because I was nominated to receive a graduate student school scholar award. I was one of two students nominated from my college, which encompasses a few departments. There will be a few other nominees from the other colleges as well. Its so nice that others have noticed how hard I am working and want to reward me for that. Plus, I can put it on my curriculum vitae...I wonder if I'll get a plaque. Heee....

Advising

2008-03-06T20:03:00.002-07:00

Ahhh! I love it when students contact me and request to meet with me to talk about their grade and their progress in the class. :) Warm fuzzies. If only more students would do that. If they realized how much brownie points they'd earn with me, I'm sure they would!

Philosophical mumbo jumbo

2008-03-04T21:19:00.002-07:00

I just finished reading an article for class tomorrow and I was quite surprised at one of the articles that my instructor picked for us to read. It was all about conceptual confusion in educational psychology and how psychologists fall prey to fallacies, such as reification of constructs. Yada, yada (which is code for the fact that I'm not going to attempt to explain that statement). Instead, I left the reading with one of those philosophical gushy feelings of floating on air. I'm feeling this way because the article questioned fundamental assumptions that we make as a field. But, we are so close to our work that we cannot step back far enough to notice the assumptions we have made, which are supposedly based on fallacies.

Really, the only way out seems to be to recognize that "cognition" is "situated" in "context." Is it me, or does that statement sound like just another post-modern fad that the field is taking? But, all that does is restate the simple adage that "multiple variables contribute to an outcome" in a much more eloquent manner couched in a philosophical discussion. And just last week the practically-minded educator in our class made the very same statement couched in simplistic verbiage regarding the act of teaching.

But, I doubt that half the class is going to understand this paper (read: neither do I). Sigh...

Update

2008-02-20T16:12:00.002-07:00

Wow, I had a really rough couple of weeks for awhile there. I had some difficulty keeping up on teaching and spent a couple weeks where I was still scrambling to put together the lecture for the next day. I usually like to be done with the lecture so I can go over the materials and rehearse what I'm going to say. Needless to say, I had a couple of iffy teaching days and one real bad teaching day. I just went home that day instead of running a cortisol assay. That's also one reason why things have been difficult. I've been spending Tuesday and Thursday prepping for and/or running cortisol assays, which takes 5 or 6 hours. Ugh! I was getting so burnt out and I even skipped one of my own classes, which is turning out to be a disappointing class anyways. Ugh! I don't even want to go to that class anymore. Master's level classes really are a world apart from the Ph.D. coursework I've been used to. But, I have to take it to fulfill requirements.

I've been making progress on my comps projects and dissertation. I cut and pasted the introduction from the grant application I wrote last year. And then I wrote the methods section and the majority of the results section. I've been working with my Biology Prof to refine the methods section and cortisol results. He's been soo helpful. And I gave the draft of the paper to my Fav Prof to review.

I also obtained the data I'm going to use for my dissertation from one of the profs in another department. He's working on obtaining permission to use the data from the test publisher.

So things are going a little better. I'm giving my first test next week and I hope the students do well. Proctoring a test will also give me more time to get ahead on teaching.

I've also been doing some soul searching on teaching and what I want to do with my life. There was a time last semester when teaching was so aversive to me that I completely gave up the concept of becoming a professor. It was probably good for me to give that up because it helped me get through the semester. But, this semester, teaching has been going much better and I'm feeling like maybe I should consider becoming a professor once again. I know its a hard job, but I think it could be very rewarding and just the right thing for me to do with my life.

I'm soo behind!

2008-02-12T22:40:00.001-07:00

I'm so behind! Please pray for me! I need to catch up!!

Editor's Note: Relief! Class was cancelled so I could go home and work a few more hours.

I am soo exhausted.

2008-01-31T20:08:00.000-07:00

I really love the fact that I get teaching over with first thing in the morning (class is at 9:30am). But, I have been having such a hard time adjusting to the schedule change. I'm a night person, so having to get up at 6am in the morning is slowly, but surely draining me. And it's throwing off my metabolism as well. I'm constantly hungry, but I can't each much at any one time. When I get home at 4pm-ish, I'm ravenous and completely brain dead. Sigh...

But, I'm a grad student and I have work that needs to get done at night, on top of the work that was done during the day. I can't be brain dead at night. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that blissful first year of graduate school...back when I was full of optimism and thought I could do anything. Back when I had time to myself and time to enjoy learning for classes.

But, on the other hand, I don't think I'd trade my stage in life with any other. I can see the end of this all. I have some really awesome people in my life and really great support from a number of sources. I consider this place home and there are plenty of things to be thankful for.

I'm thankful for it all.

And so it is...

2008-01-26T23:13:00.001-07:00

I just finished reading Jael's new post and it was so nice to hear that she's doing so well. It made me feel rested and peaceful just to read her post. Just like Jael, I realize I haven't posted much of anything positive. So in response I thought I'd try to post something nice, too. However, I don't think I can quite pull of the same conveyance of peacefulness as she does.

It's been two weeks since school has started, but strangely enough, it feels like it's been forever, like as if I haven't been on break from school for the past month. At least I seem to have hit the ground running this semester. Things are still up in the air, though. I'm waiting for the new RA to start, probably not until March. I dropped two of my classes and replaced them with dissertation hours and directed study so that I can open up my time for writing. Teaching is going well. I have an amazing group of students this semester and I hope I can keep up the feelings of goodwill permeating the classroom. I found out that I can have six members on my dissertation committee. So now I can add on that sixth member who will obtain a dataset for me to work on. I also recently heard back from the neuropsychologist who supervised my externship. He revised a letter of intent for a grant that had been in the works for months. I had some fun reading over it and revising it. It seemed to come so much more easily than writing papers. Which reminds me, I have been able to find time to do some lit searching, reading, and note-taking for my directed study, which is going to become one of my comps now.

By the way, in my lit searching, I ran across an article on why it is not possible to tickle yourself. Seriously, the researchers had done neuroimaging studies on this topic and had come to the conclusion that the sensorimotor area sets up an expectation of sensation which blocks the effectiveness of self-tickling. Isn't that one of those no brainers? And secondly, how in the world did they obtain funding to conduct high-level research on that topic?!?! But, hey, I don't knock it. Sitting around and trying to tickle yourself seems like a rather entertaining research endeavor, especially if you are getting paid to research and write about "tickliness."

Autism

2008-01-24T21:29:00.000-07:00

Connections, among connections, all leading back to autism, for some reason. My grad student friend, Tisha, just possibly got the position as research assistant for an autism grant. And then I got an email from an old friend of mine who announced that she got a new job in China to work with children with autism. And my little sister has a new research assistantship to code blogs of autistic individuals. Not to mention one of my advisers does fMRI research on autism.

From my little sister, I learned about the Autism Rights Movement, in which individuals with autism self-advocate for the rights of personhood. And I watched this video. And then I watched a related video advertisement for a speech/language/communication center that hounded the need for learning normal, typical communication. Such stark contrast...I don't know what to say...you will see for yourself.

Crazy Fluctuation Week

2008-01-20T17:51:00.000-07:00

Wow, I don't even know where to start. This has been one week of shuffling around for quite a few other graduate students I know, including myself. One graduate student had conflicting schedules with the professor she's doing a graduate assistantship for. So he was left without a graduate student and I couldn't take the position because I was offered a new research assistant position, which I had just taken. As it turns out, he also asked Tisha, who had just taken a position as a coder the week before. But, she might be able to opt out of it and take the GA after all. We'll see what happens this week. She was very relieved about the possibility of shifting positions. And Karen has been having her own dilemmas regarding research positions.

The week before, I was very relieved about some of my stresses this semester, too. I was offered to subcontract outside of the university as a research assistant. And it turns out I would work with one of my favorite professors who is also subcontracting on that research project. Yes!! But, the only way I could possibly fit that into my schedule would be to drop a class. So I've spent last week trying to find out whether I can waive the class, which is required. Turns out I have to take a directed studies on the same topic as the class (development), but that I can tie it in with my dissertation. So I'm just going to write a short paper on the development of intelligence. That shouldn't be too bad.

But, then I went to my other class and got a little freaked out about how much will be required of me, tons of reading and a paper, and I felt lost the whole class period. So I had a melt down afterwards, and decided I needed to drop that class as well. I can drop that class without it affecting my course requirement, so that's what I'm going to do. I'll replace it with dissertation hours, which will open my time for all the writing I have to do this semester. I have to write two papers for comps, one paper on history of measurement, one paper on development of intelligence, and finish writing my dissertation proposal, in addition to teaching. All in all, I'm very relieved to be free of a couple of the classes I was taking. Now I just have one master's level class that I couldn't fit into my schedule until now. But, that class shouldn't be too demanding.

Teaching went off to a great start this semester. I really like my class. They are willing to talk and I've been able to be more interactive with them already. So we shall see how things go, but I'm feeling much better about it.

Another strange coincidence happened this week, too. My supervisor for my GA with freshman seminars called the head of the psych department about linking freshman seminars with psychology classes. He asked the department head to consider which psychology professors could teach a freshman seminar. My supervisor also mentioned my name and the work I was doing with them on attrition and freshman seminars. And then the department head said I'd be a great candidate for teaching a freshman seminar. I just burst out laughing when my supervisor told me about that! I couldn't believe the department head recommended me. And what a coincidence that I might be conducting research on freshman seminars through my GA while also teaching a freshman seminar on a contract through the psychology department. I just though that was ironic, but we'll have to see what happens. I thought I wasn't going to teach again, but who knows? Maybe I'll teach a freshman seminar, which is not a content class at all. It would be totally different. I might be better at it than teaching content courses.

But, we'll see. This semester might be doable after all and that's what I needed to know.

One Week Left of Vacation

2008-01-05T23:04:00.000-07:00

And I'm already getting emails from school peoples in anticipation of school starting. My supervisor for my GRA is very excited about analyzing our data and wants to know when my work schedule will be and when I'll be back on campus. The professor I'm doing research with wants to check in with me this week in order to get a jumpstart on the semester.

I'm torn. I'd rather start the break over again, but then again, it would be nice to get back to doing school-related things. And I'm looking forward to having a class with my favorite professor, especially since he was on sabbatical last semester and I haven't missed a class with him since I started.

I would feel a whole lot better about starting school if I was done with my paper, though. Yeesh, there's always something.

I'm seriously considering bying this Demotivators poster

2008-01-03T12:24:00.000-07:00

Reviewing the Past

2008-01-03T01:45:00.000-07:00

I've had this strange desire to pour over all my previous blog posts. I've been trying to search for meaning from my past experiences. Trying to understand where I've been and where I'm going with the next year. I found some interesting themes. One of the most prevalent themes is my alternation between being egotistical and being unsure of myself. I really enjoyed reading my blog posts from my first year back in grad school. I sounded really sweet and adorable; and I rarely blogged about school stuff. But, I think I might have been a little hesitant. I would guess that was natural, considering I had just come from a difficult job.

Then I went through a time when I started to come out of my shell and find positive reinforcement for contributing to class discussion. I started blogging about the praises and affirmations I received, while still maintaining my surprise that such praises were directed towards me. But, then I just turned egotistical, authoritative, and narcissistic. I tried to rationalize it as a form of joking about myself and the narcissistic nature of academia. But, no, my tone had definitely changed and I was pretty confident in myself. At the same time, I was completely absorbed in school stuff and couldn't blog about anything else.

I noticed that after the first year, I was constantly blogging at 3am or 4am in the morning, unable to sleep because I was so overwhelmed by the amount of pressure and work I had to deal with. I was constantly writing blog posts that would frighten anyone away from becoming a grad student. And then I had to undergo the worst semester yet. Last semester was even worse than the previous semester. Its the first semester I wasn't able to finish everything by finals week and it was the first semester that I seriously considered dropping out of grad school. It was also the first semester that I took up teaching again since the last time I had taught, which two years ago. Teaching made me realize I wasn't as amazing as I thought I was, and that I had no reason to be so egotistical.

So I think the reason I went through those tough experiences last semester was to bring me through another season of reducing my pride. I just had to go through another pride reduction cycle. The last time I went through a pride reduction cycle I actually did quit what I was doing, but I made it through this time. I just really wish I didn't need to constantly go through seasons of building up my self-esteem and then tearing it back down. I really hope that this time I can learn my lesson and next year I can just lay low and get my degree and not worry about what others' think of me or what I think of me.

New Year's Resolution...or Not

2008-01-02T01:51:00.000-07:00

I was reading my resolutions for last year and became very disappointed by my lack of progress. I didn't accomplish hardly any of the goals I had set. The important goals 1 through 5 were never accomplished. And I was shocked that I had planned to defend my comps projects last fall. I think that the haze of last semester made me think my decision to put back my comps defense until spring was my original plan. Yeesh! I should write out a graduation plan just to make sure I know when I'm falling behind. And Goal #8 (the neuropsych externship) really did sap my time and energy so that I couldn't accomplish the rest of my goals. And then I met my current boyfriend at the end of last spring semester. That pretty much shot my summer plans and teaching in the fall pretty much shot everything else down. Last year was really rough and I feel like a broken grad student.

The reason I say that is because I finally realize that I am only human and I can't fulfill my own expectations of myself. They are just simply too high. Secondly, having a boyfriend that I really care about has made me realize that there is far more to life than grad school. My priorities have shifted and school is no longer more important than my boyfriend, which was how I approached every previous relationship I've ever had.

So now I only have one goal--graduation. I will graduate this December. One year from now, I will be ready to move on with life and I will be done with this lengthy stint as a graduate student. I just want to say to all of you out there who are thinking about grad school--please examine your decision more closely. If you don't have very strong reasons for going to grad school, please don't go. (As a side note, getting a master's is only extended undergrad. In many cases, its really not worthwhile unless you continue your schooling and obtain your Ph.D.)

Finally, last semester has convinced me without a shadow of a doubt that academia is not for me. Imagine spending your first five years in graduate school striving towards the goal of becoming a professor only to realize in your last year that being a professor is not quite "it." And whatever "it" is you want to become is no longer clear to you. I think now I would just be happy with a normal job that would allow me to research something interesting. Any other dreams I once had (if I even remember them) just don't matter to me anymore.

And one final thing that really distinguishes the person I am now from the person I was last year is my attitude towards the start of the semester. Last year, I devoted many posts to an agonized desire for school to start. Now the impending start of the semester is a source of agony. I simply don't want the semester to start. I do not want to go back to school at all. If I could just forge a diploma and win the lottery life would be grand.

9.07298% - Geekish Tendencies

2007-12-30T00:11:00.000-07:00

I was a geek poser until I realized that I do know who invented the three laws of robotics (Issac Asimov). I had to rescore myself, and lo and behold, I am 9% geek. I'm sure that the rest of me is made up of a combination of nerd and dork.

How do you rate?
Take the Inner Geek Test

P.S. Turns out my boyfriend is a super geek at 46%. I think that must enhance my level of geekiness to some extent.

P.P.S. What could be more geeky than my boyfriend and I sitting across the table from each other at our respective laptops and IMing each other?

This has not been the holiday break I was hoping it would be

2007-12-22T20:01:00.000-07:00

I didn't realize it would be so hard to spend Christmas away from my family. I'm not going home this Christmas because my family moved to Texas (what were they thinking!?!) and I can't afford to fly out there for the holidays. So now I'm spending Christmas with my boyfriend's best friend and his family. They are so close that my boyfriend is pretty much a member of their family. But, I don't know them very well, and this is the first holiday that I'll be spending with a significant other's family instead of my own.

I'm not excited about spending Christmas with them at all because all I can think about is my family and how I'm the only one who isn't there this Christmas. Even my little sister's boyfriend is going to be there.

Sigh...

And I'm not getting any paper-writing done either...

Finals Week is Over

2007-12-17T17:59:00.000-07:00

Every semester prior to this one I have tallied scores for finals week freakout fest in which the one who has procrastinated the most is considered the winner of freakout fest. Well, I used to think such things were fun, but they don't hold as much appeal anymore. Part of the reason is that this semester has been so hard on me and the other part is that there's simply no way I'll ever beat Tisha. She's a Master Procrastinator, and I'll never have a chance at beating her. Plus, we've changed our tune; we're planning to help each other out next semester so that we don't leave everything for the last minute anymore. We've set aside a specific time in which we will meet weekly and force each other to work on reading and writing our papers that will surely be due at the end of the semester. More grad students are free to join us if they need help dealing with their procrastination tendencies, too.

So, no more Finals Week Freakout Fest. Sorry...

On the plus side, I'm done with this semester and I've never felt better. There was a time in the middle of the semester when I very seriously wanted to quit and hide in a whole for awhile. But, I dealt with my teaching problems instead of completely running away from them. I feel like I have a slightly better idea of what to do next semester to avoid these problems and to somehow make the class a little better. But, I've given up on the idea that I'll be good at teaching and just accepted that I'm learning and it's a process.

I've dealt with all of my dissertation woes as well. I managed to write all three chapters of my dissertation proposal this semester. Even though all three still require lots of work, I'm feeling pretty good about it. And I'm excited because I discovered my committee chair did her dissertation on the same task I want to study for my dissertation. I am following in her footsteps and I don't even realize it.

Now the final thing for me to deal with is that incomplete that I took for my independent study. I don't want to take all semester to finish it. I'm going to work on writing the paper for that independent study over break. I need to write my two comps papers, too. This will not be a break for me. I'm just glad I have time over the break to devote to writing. But, apparently my boyfriend has the next week and a half off for the holidays. I must be strong and resist the urge to spend all my time with him. That.will.be.so.difficult. Ugh!