A new semester has begun, but old feelings remain...

School has been in session for a couple of weeks now, and there have been new developments on the job front. A position opened for interim director of a scholars program at my university. I decided to throw my hand in just to see what will happen. In addition, my department chair dropped by to tell me that the temporary position that I currently occupy has received funding to become permanent. Apparently, the position requirements are higher and I would have to apply for the job and beat out others in an external search, but not until next fall at least. That gives me time to think about what I really want to do, because I'm not sure I want to stay in this position.

It doesn't make sense; I should be much happier with this position than I am. The department head is competent; everyone is incredibly nice and caring towards each other. I have developed good friendships with colleagues. But, I have so much anxiety surrounding teaching that I couldn't sleep through the night for the first week. My father gave me advice to exercise in the evenings and it has definitely worked. I'm trying a new teaching method called interteaching. I've been much more directive and authoritative. I'm getting more organized and writing out lesson plans. But, I still feel so dissatisfied with my job. I've been struggling to stay on campus, wishing to leave early. I feel depleted and disinterested in working on anything when I return to my office after teaching. I spend my evenings trying to shake off anxiety about having to teach the next day.

I just want to have a job where I feel fulfilled, happy, maybe even excited to go in to work. Could that be a possibility? Would I be happier if I taught a different class? A class that was more interesting to me than general psychology? I'm not entirely positive that teaching something else would make a difference because I've taught social psychology, child psychology, cognitive psychology, and general psychology and none of those made a difference in how I feel about teaching. I can't seem to truly understand how my students learn. It takes me so much time and effort to put together even the smallest lesson. And I'm just not that interested in what I'm doing. I feel stifled, as if the days march relentlessly on with no respite from teaching or teaching prep. I'm clearly not devoting any time to research, and I'm finding that being a professor is not the great fit I thought it would be when I first started graduate school.

I want to see what it will be like to work in administration. If I landed the job as scholars director, I may still have contact with students, and possibly I would feel more fulfillment in helping dedicated students go on to graduate school.

Even though graduate school was incredibly stressful and difficult, I started each day with a purpose. I strove towards that purpose, and I found fulfillment in pursuing a life of the mind. But teaching is a whole different animal, and I feel like I've lost my sense of purpose and replaced it with a "just get by" attitude. Is this merely the byproduct of transitioning from grad student to faculty, or do I find myself in the wrong line of work? I wish I knew the answer, but mostly, I wish I had the remedy....