Weekend is over

So sad to return back to normalcy. The weekend spent with my sisters was an act of self-denial because whatever I wanted to do was no longer the prime consideration. My primary responsibility seemed to be "distracting," I mean "playing," with the children while the rest of the adults accomplished important things. It was actually very nice because I pushed all thoughts of school to the back burner and just hung out with the family. Although today I was mildly depressed at the thought of returning and working on school stuff all evening.

Sigh! It is an undeniable fact that the first year of any program allows plenty of time for loafing around and enjoying oneself. At the beginning of the second year (ahem, which is where I'm at right now) any semblance of a "life" is extinguished. In fact, "reasonable" expectations for workload are scoffed and life descends into a whirlwind of obligations and responsibilities that pull one in so many different directions that any sane person would bail out while there's still time. (Which is actually what I did in my previous program, but alas, I returned to grad school, so I believe that I no longer qualify to be labeled "sane.")

But, I've read a few other academic graduate students' blogs and I realize that I'm not the only one who experiences constant doubt about my own abilities to accomplish what I've started out to do with this thing called grad school. It's actually encouraging to hear other grad students complain and agonize online, because in everyday interactions we all hide our self-doubt and put on a face of competence and vigor. So even though I have too much to do, and the mere thought of it all causes my brain to freeze, I will trudge forward and perhaps someday it will no longer feel like I'm merely trudging.