Introspection

I have been struggling ever since I finished teaching this summer. I am dragging my feet and don't quite understand why. I haven't been able to work consistently at my academic support job. I'm working the entire day one day and struggling to make it past lunch the next. It seems the job has lost its glamor or that I am mentally separating from it because I might be leaving soon. But, the greatest possibility is that I'm spending the time writing an article for publication and for some reason, I really struggle with that. Perhaps I lack confidence. I know that publishing an article will put me and my ideas out into the scientific community, and I would rather hide and observe at the sidelines right now. I don't have confidence that my work could be adequate and so I don't want to embarrass myself by attempting to publish it.

But, I think all of this stems from a deeper issue. My mind fights between lack of confidence and egotism and being prideful about my abilities. For any stretch of time, it seems that one of those has dominance. And right now, lack of confidence has dominance. I thought I had conquered pride, but I didn't realize I needed just as much to conquer lack of confidence. And probably more so because pride keeps me working, but lack of confidence stifles my productivity.

And so I fear the start of school because it brings with it the test of my abilities to finish my dissertation. I hear many times how others become sick and tired of their dissertation by the time they are done. But, that cannot be my problem because I am allowing myself very little time to do the dissertation and I remain content with only gleaning the top off the surface of my topic. Why do I remain content with that? That is my second fear, it appears that I graze a topic, formulate a study, and drop it entirely once I am done, without attempting to publish it. Must I continuously seek new stimulation rather than finding contentment in one topic to study deeply? I fear that in my attempts to secure a faculty position, it will become apparent how ill-equipped I am, how lacking in knowledge I am due to all this grazing. But, if I failed to finish this semester, would I just be hiding from myself, withdrawing from the next stage of life? Would fear win and I lose?