So here's the skinny...

I had the interview last week and it was disappointing. The morning was fine. I was introduced to the people in the program and other student affairs programs. Then I had a short break before the program head gave a brief presentation about the vision of the program. Then I had lunch with a couple other members of the search committee and had another break before my presentation. The presentation went okay. I had to present on difficulties first-year students face and strategies for success. I was a lot more fluid during the presentation than my practice runs, and a couple people gave me positive feedback. However, I didn't engage the group very well. Then I met with the former course director and it was nice because I already knew him. But, he really grilled me. By the time we were done, I was pretty much fried. And that was a shame because I still had the most important meeting of the day with the program head. I was so brain fried that I couldn't muster any enthusiasm, and I felt like it took all the effort in the world just to understand what he was saying and produce a coherent response. I then barely made it through the dinner with the program head and one other, including our spouses. It was nice to have my husband there, but neither of us could really carry on much of a conversation by that point.

It wasn't just my lackluster performance that was disappointing, I learned more about the job that made me wonder if it would still be a good fit for me. Apparently, much time is spent networking and getting buy-in from department heads, and dealing with needy instructors who don't attend lesson seminars and then expect individualized lesson prep from me right before they teach the lesson. The person leading me around seemed bent on making sure I understood how difficult it would be to spend long hours working and having little time for research and how there is no down time during the year like there is for faculty. It just left me wondering if this job was right for me after all. So today I applied for an adjunct position teaching at an online institution. Apparently, the courses are all pre-planned, and I would just have to facilitate. That sounds rather nice to me. The students would be graduate students in a doctoral program in education. I think it would be a nice change of pace to teach online classes to adult-learners who are grad students in education compared to teaching psychology in person to traditional undergrads.

All I know is that my current job is ABSOLUTELY NOT what I want to do with my life. And I don't have to feel bad about not liking the position either. Just because I'm working at a fairly prestigious institution, teaching small classes of highly intelligent students, does not mean I have to feel bad about wanting to leave this position. There was a time when I thought this job would be amazing but it's just my first job, and I'm still trying to find out what would best fit me. I should think of it as gaining valuable experience although I cringe at the idea of teaching one more year until my contract runs out. There was also a time when I felt the world was my oyster, when I dreamed big of a wonderful career ahead of me. Now I realize graduate school was an artificial life, one that does not mirror faculty careers. It's time to re-evaluate. Would this job in academic support and advising actually fit me after all? Would online teaching be the best gig? There doesn't seem to be too many options, and right now the road ahead seems very unclear.