Existential Crisis?!?!

Meh! I've been thinking about what the broader purpose is behind my intent to get this Ph.D. Usually, I'm fine with just going with the flow and concerning myself with immediate pressures. But, school hasn't started yet, and I'm itching for some structure so that I'm not left to my own devices. If left to my own devises, I will spend too much time examining and analyzing everything in my head. So here I am, thinking about how the last few years tie into my purpose and future goals, and how the next few years will lead to the accomplishment of those goals. Okay, okay, that sounds like a fancy way of saying, "Where do I see myself in the next five years?" Though it feels like more than that simple question. I feel like I need to know more specifically what my goals are so that I can begin setting up the experiences I need to prepare myself for those goals (i.e., job).

A look back at my past suggests that I'm preparing for a career in academia, but I've decided that I don't really want that. (It is my opinion that most academics are psychologically maladjusted and that is what led them to choose such a career. I'm joking, people...). The alternative lies outside academia and I have a whole lot less understanding of what occurs in that mystical place (some people might call it "The Real World"). I spent about 7 months in this so-called Real World and fled back to academia as fast as these little feet could carry me. So as you can see, there appears to be some conflict. (At least I can be sure that I'll be overqualified to work in Burger King.)

More specifically, I'm feeling the pull to graduate approximately two years from now. The other fact of the matter is that I also feel like I'm throwing together a graduate education that is a splattering of this and a splattering of that, without any cohesive underlying purpose. For example, my master's is in neuropsychology. I spent a year in cognitive neuroscience and 7 months as a project manager in education (yes, that was the 7 months I was fleeing from, funny that it shaped my subsequent interests in educational assessment). As my means of escape, I knew I could easily and quickly get re-accepted by the U where I obtained my master's degree (he, he, I just have to laugh at this). Now I'm in a Ph.D. program for Educational Psychology, but more recently my interests have solidified in the area of test development. Hence, the feeling that I have to make extra effort to seek out experiences for a specialty that is not offered by my program. Ugh! Meanwhile, I'm trying to conceptualize how my Neuropsych externship and background fit into all this. Hmm, let's just say I'm eclectic.

In the future, I think I'll be involved in educational testing in a school setting. Maybe neuropsychology will help within a context of cognitive testing for gifted/LD/TBI students. Perhaps I should continue my insistence on conducting projects that involve the application of SEM and IRT. Even if the topics of research are not directly related to education, the stats can be applied to the ed testing context. And above all, I'm just hoping that if I land myself a job in a school setting involving test development, that I'll instantaneously know how to accomplish all aspects of the job aside from the stats...

Oh, oh, painful flashback to the project manager position in which we were preparing to conduct a field test of items in the schools and I had no idea that we would need to obtain IRB approval to do that (and nobody else on the team even mentioned it, apparently assuming I would know that critical piece of information?!?!?). Gah!