Grading and Sleeping

Grading puts me in such a bad mood because I have four classes with 80 students total, and for the moment, I have to grade four essays per student, which is 320 essays. It was not my intention to set up my class this way, either. We teach in teams here, which means I have less autonomy. Normally, I'm fine with that, but not when it means I have too much grading to do. Ugh, this feels like such an uphill battle.

I've been having issues getting a full nights sleep lately. For awhile, I was waking up every night at 3am, unable to fall back asleep. The lack of sleep was disrupting my ability to work during the day, too. I was getting so fatigued and started taking the afternoons off. I think the insomnia was mainly due to my anxiety over teaching. I read a few websites which recommended that a person with all of my symptoms should talk to a doctor. I set up an appointment and my doctor asked me very few questions. Before even talking to me he had decided to prescribe a mild antidepressant used often for treating insomnia. Ugh, I don't want to be handed some drug to solve my problems! I want to get to the root of it and understand why I've developed insomnia in this stage of my life when I've never had problems sleeping before. So I refrained from filling the prescription and instead I've been trying natural sleep remedies, such as valerian root and melatonin. It does seen to be helping. I'm not as fatigued at work, but I still have trouble waking up frequently every other night. A few months ago, I started exercising in the early evening and that helped me fall asleep, but not stay asleep through the night.

These are all just salves, like ointment to rub on the skin when the problem is far beneath the skin. I think teaching-related anxiety is the root cause. The first year experience director position finally open up. I have yet to apply for it, but I must make time to apply. I only hope that if I get the job, my teaching-related anxieties will subside and not be replaced by some other anxiety. Then I'll know the problem, of which insomnia is only my most current symptom, has a much deeper root than I thought. Time will tell, I suppose.

Conference

My university hosted a small conference a couple weeks ago, and I was able to attend a couple sessions. I attended one panel on identity development, and learned that while identity development is primarily concentrated in early adulthood, it is a lifelong process. It was encouraging to think that my identity is malleable; I have a new identity as a wife, even a new name as I go through the name change process. My professional identity can also change over the course of my life as I refine my interest and explore different niches. The thing that stood out to me during the panel on identity development was how one panelist kept emphasizing that it is perfectly acceptable for young adult to drop out of college if they find that being a college student does not fit their developing identity. People often think of dropping out as failure, and I have carried that feeling of failure because I dropped out of my neuroscience graduate program. I shouldn't see it as failure, but as courage to decide to make a change when my present circumstances don't fit my identity. I find myself in the same predicament, feeling like my present job does not fit me as a person.

It is difficult not to get discouraged by my circumstances, but I should view it as another learning experience. I was encouraged by another seminar on bioethics whereby the speaker spent some time explaining how she started her career in medical school, but quit just before getting assigned a residency. It was so good to hear that another person has gone through the same experiences as I. She said that it is imperative to have patience because things will work out over time. She did some consulting for lawyers who's clients had health complications because they had been exposed to asbestos or some other toxin at work. She decided to go to law school and now specializes in the intersection of law and health, including bioethics. Her story was so encouraging; she disliked her rounds in medical school, taking patients problems home with her and crying frequently. It just wasn't a good fit for her, but she found a perfect fit in law school. If someone else went though a difficult time in the wrong field but eventually found the right field for them, then I can have hope that I will someday find a career that fits me better than my current position.