On teaching...and the Self...again

I got another email from a graduate student requesting to meet with me to chat about teaching next fall. This is a different graduate student than the one I discussed in the previous post. I had actually met this graduate student last spring at the TA orientation. She's a really sweet person and we had fun chatting. I ended up offering to assist her if she needed anything because this fall is to be her first time teaching. So I see this as an opportunity to redeem myself for my idiocy at the last meeting with the other graduate student. I think it will be much easier to respond appropriately to her because she is asking for help, she is sweet, and she is not egotistical. The other graduate student was not asking for help and she was too much like me; me ego felt instantly threatened. You know those silly questionnaires you pass around to your friends? Well, one of the questions was, "If you were another person, would you be friends with yourself?" I answered "No" because if I was another person, I could not help but be myself. Now there would be two identical Kikis hanging around. And I don't think it would be easy for me to be friends with myself. We would start competing with each other.

Perhaps the root of it all is that I think very highly of my opinions and attitudes about things and other people pick up on that. Some people are offended and find that to be threatening. But, others might instead laugh at me and humor me. But, those who are threatened respond in a way that threatens me and then let the games begin.

I was just reading Karen's blog and one of the things she said is that you aren't responsible for other people's actions and reactions. Well, that is quite true, I can never predict which way someone will go with their reaction to me. But, I do think that if I could somehow make myself NOT convey such attitudes, I might avoid a whole lot of trouble.

Teaching: "Sigh"

I met with another graduate student today who is teaching a different section of the same course that I'm teaching next fall. She wanted to meet with me to discuss the course and possibly collaborate on teaching it or at least share resources.

I thought that would be real nice, but I discovered one thing about myself upon meeting her. I STILL immediately compare myself to others in some internal competition to see who is the most intelligent. I though I had purged myself of that tendency before coming here. Looking back, I realize that tendency probably played a part in my failure to get along with the other graduate student in the old lab (but, she was also very mean, mind you).

My verdict in the internal comparison? She is more intelligent, knowledgeable, and accomplished than I. I would go so far as to suggest that she's a clone of me with some genetic enhancements.

Sigh...I'm a little disappointed in myself today. I don't think I handled the meeting well. I think I appeared opinionated and haughty while stumbling over my words in nervousness. Blech! I just wish the ikyness would go away.

Editor's note: Perhaps I am suffering from Imposter's Syndrome.