Reviewing the Past

I've had this strange desire to pour over all my previous blog posts. I've been trying to search for meaning from my past experiences. Trying to understand where I've been and where I'm going with the next year. I found some interesting themes. One of the most prevalent themes is my alternation between being egotistical and being unsure of myself. I really enjoyed reading my blog posts from my first year back in grad school. I sounded really sweet and adorable; and I rarely blogged about school stuff. But, I think I might have been a little hesitant. I would guess that was natural, considering I had just come from a difficult job.

Then I went through a time when I started to come out of my shell and find positive reinforcement for contributing to class discussion. I started blogging about the praises and affirmations I received, while still maintaining my surprise that such praises were directed towards me. But, then I just turned egotistical, authoritative, and narcissistic. I tried to rationalize it as a form of joking about myself and the narcissistic nature of academia. But, no, my tone had definitely changed and I was pretty confident in myself. At the same time, I was completely absorbed in school stuff and couldn't blog about anything else.

I noticed that after the first year, I was constantly blogging at 3am or 4am in the morning, unable to sleep because I was so overwhelmed by the amount of pressure and work I had to deal with. I was constantly writing blog posts that would frighten anyone away from becoming a grad student. And then I had to undergo the worst semester yet. Last semester was even worse than the previous semester. Its the first semester I wasn't able to finish everything by finals week and it was the first semester that I seriously considered dropping out of grad school. It was also the first semester that I took up teaching again since the last time I had taught, which two years ago. Teaching made me realize I wasn't as amazing as I thought I was, and that I had no reason to be so egotistical.

So I think the reason I went through those tough experiences last semester was to bring me through another season of reducing my pride. I just had to go through another pride reduction cycle. The last time I went through a pride reduction cycle I actually did quit what I was doing, but I made it through this time. I just really wish I didn't need to constantly go through seasons of building up my self-esteem and then tearing it back down. I really hope that this time I can learn my lesson and next year I can just lay low and get my degree and not worry about what others' think of me or what I think of me.

Finals Week is Over

Every semester prior to this one I have tallied scores for finals week freakout fest in which the one who has procrastinated the most is considered the winner of freakout fest. Well, I used to think such things were fun, but they don't hold as much appeal anymore. Part of the reason is that this semester has been so hard on me and the other part is that there's simply no way I'll ever beat Tisha. She's a Master Procrastinator, and I'll never have a chance at beating her. Plus, we've changed our tune; we're planning to help each other out next semester so that we don't leave everything for the last minute anymore. We've set aside a specific time in which we will meet weekly and force each other to work on reading and writing our papers that will surely be due at the end of the semester. More grad students are free to join us if they need help dealing with their procrastination tendencies, too.

So, no more Finals Week Freakout Fest. Sorry...

On the plus side, I'm done with this semester and I've never felt better. There was a time in the middle of the semester when I very seriously wanted to quit and hide in a whole for awhile. But, I dealt with my teaching problems instead of completely running away from them. I feel like I have a slightly better idea of what to do next semester to avoid these problems and to somehow make the class a little better. But, I've given up on the idea that I'll be good at teaching and just accepted that I'm learning and it's a process.

I've dealt with all of my dissertation woes as well. I managed to write all three chapters of my dissertation proposal this semester. Even though all three still require lots of work, I'm feeling pretty good about it. And I'm excited because I discovered my committee chair did her dissertation on the same task I want to study for my dissertation. I am following in her footsteps and I don't even realize it.

Now the final thing for me to deal with is that incomplete that I took for my independent study. I don't want to take all semester to finish it. I'm going to work on writing the paper for that independent study over break. I need to write my two comps papers, too. This will not be a break for me. I'm just glad I have time over the break to devote to writing. But, apparently my boyfriend has the next week and a half off for the holidays. I must be strong and resist the urge to spend all my time with him. That.will.be.so.difficult. Ugh!

This Semester is Difficult

I feel like everything that came before this semester was simply the warm-ups. I used to have fun with school and I thought being a graduate student was the bee's knees. But, now I feel like things have gotten more serious and the stakes are higher. I'm teaching this semester, writing my comps and dissertation proposal, assisting a faculty member with a research project, and working 16 hours a week as a GA. The GA itself is rather serious, too. This GA could constitute an actual job if they weren't getting a GA to do the work. It reminds me somewhat of my time as project coordinator. I start with a literature review, identify key elements to include in analyses, evaluate the most appropriate statistical procedures to use, and analyze data, among other things. This is a lot of responsibility, coupled with a lot of freedom to choose my own direction.

Plus, teaching is incredibly difficult for me. I am a novice, but I keep forgetting to allow myself the novice status. I think that I should naturally be good at teaching, or that I should be able to figure out this whole teaching thing with aplomb. But, no...I'm just happy I haven't crashed and burned completely yet. I've been reading a book about being a first-year faculty member and have discovered that first-year faculty tend not to understand where students are having difficulty with the material, and tend not to be able to utilize efficient strategies to address student's difficulty with the material. Teaching is a craft; it is a skill. And as such, it can be honed and developed with practice. Therefore, I don't have to be good at it. But, I can become good at it. Gee, I hope this little pep talk is working.

In addition, I have a tendency to put writing on the back burner. If I didn't have such a lack of confidence with writing, I'd probably have about two publications by now. But, no...up till now, I have been unable to teach, take classes, do research, and write all in the same semester. Now I must do all of that and more. I must write both of my comps projects, the first three chapters of my dissertation, and resubmit a grant proposal. But, I happen to also be teaching, researching, and working at the same time! How can I do it? How can I cope? Well, let's see...the coping strategy I usually rely on, denial, is not actually conducive to accomplishing my goals. If I ignore my writing demands and push them to the back burner, I'll never graduate.

No wonder first-year faculty members are so stressed out. I'm still a graduate student. I don't have to worry about tenure, advising loads of students, participating in committees, teaching 2 or 3 classes, applying for grants, publishing articles, and establishing a research program. But, teaching one class, applying for one fellowship, researching, and writing three major papers is plenty enough for me to feel stressed!

School is starting: Whimper!

Well, I just got back from my conference in which I presented two posters. It was a small conference and people weren't that interested in chatting with poster presenters. They preferred to read a few lines on the poster and move on. Oh, well. I preferred it that way because I didn't really have good explanations for my research anyways. It's still too preliminary. But, now I'm back and facing the fact that school is starting next week. I'm still not happy about that fact and I think the sole reason is that I know I'll have to teach.

I could be getting excited about the two classes I'm taking and the research into my dissertation topic, but instead I'm focusing on the fact that I'm teaching again. Such dread...it's inexplicable. I wish I didn't view teaching with such dread; maybe I'll be lucky and the dread will dissipate once I'm into the semester. Sigh....I looked at my class roster today and found a few familiar names. Some of the students I had while teaching social psych two years ago are now in my class for child & adolescent psych. Yelp! I was so hoping I could start fresh and wouldn't have any students who witnessed my total flop at teaching social psych! Sigh...

Teaching Update

I met with the graduate student mentioned in the previous post. She was very nice and we had a good old time chatting about teaching. Therefore, I've decided that there's nothing wrong with me. The problem lies in the other person. And I think the problem is that the first unpleasant grad student was in the school psych program. I've concluded that I should avoid school psych people like the plague. This is not the first school psych grad student that I've butted heads with. That program just breeds uppity, competitive, and snippy females. Those are characteristics that I despise, and I simply do not get along well with people who embody those characteristics.