Another Sleepless Night

I thought sleepless nights were a thing of my past. I used to periodically stay up until 3am ruminating on something and then brain dump on my blog in order to help myself fall asleep. But, I haven't done that in such a long time...until now. I've been in bed for the last two hours trying to fall asleep, but to no avail. So much has been happening in the last two days that I can't get it all out of my head and I'm too overwhelmed. I went to a TA orientation, of which there is nothing too significant to report except that I noticed a handout with the important dates regarding graduation. Shock and horrors to find that I the deadline to apply for a fall graduation is next week. Then I discovered that the deadline to request a doctoral defense meeting is October 23rd, with the final day to actually defend being November 6th. And the following week is the deadline to submit a final copy of the dissertation to the graduate school. Working backwards, I realized my idea to conduct a structural equation model with the data that I did have was way too ambitious for that schedule. So I took a few moments to freak out and hyperventilate until I realized that maybe I could use the article that I just finished writing last week on the same dataset; but, which is preliminary to the SEM project I had planned to do. The article could be adapted to dissertation format and 20 pages could be added in the next couple weeks. This might actually be feasible. I'm so overstimulated by this and wishing to talk to my advisor to figure out next steps, such as when I should relate to my committee this not-so-tiny change in protocol. And whether this idea will fly....

Sigh...I don't think that was enough of a brain dump to make me fall asleep. While I'm awake, I might as well get some work done.

Woes Unveiled

Last weekend was just not good. I was restless and disgruntled. I didn't get anything accomplished, and I was quarrelsome towards my boyfriend. Ugh....

But, today seems to have been a little better, partly because I spent a good portion of it engaged in school-related conversations with various people. I met with a research adviser to discuss a submission to SRCD and writing up an article to publish. Yes! One more possible publication and I don't have to be the driving force on it. I then met with my main adviser to revisit the possibility that I will have to scrap my current dissertation and start over because one of the committee members is flaking out. When asked, he keeps giving verbal assurance that he'll obtain permission to use the data, but he never contacts me to say he actually obtained permission. So my adviser wrote him an email with a deadline of two weeks. Bear in mind this whole process to obtain permission to use the data began last November, almost a full year ago.

I'm not looking forward to holding a new proposal meeting, writing everything from scratch (my original proposal was 100 pages long), and completing all of this in one semester. But, I am glad that I'm not under someone else's control now. The graduate school says I can change my topic, so I probably will. I'm going to go with what I've been researching as part of my job. I've already obtained verbal consent to use the data from them.

For some reason, I just feel better knowing that I have control again and that everything is up to me now. If I fail, it's because of me, not because of impediments from others.

I think I just might be ready to start the school year now....

School is almost here...

Sigh, the time is short. I'm just glad I won't be working 30 hours a week in an office anymore. I really need to vary my time, my location, and my activities. Doing the same thing for extended amounts of time in the same place is draining on me. But, I seemed to do much better last week, perhaps because I could sense that school was starting, and I wouldn't have to keep this up for much longer. Next week is the last week of relative freedom. I'm going to miss my relaxing weekends the most, I think. Sigh, oh well.....

Introspection

I have been struggling ever since I finished teaching this summer. I am dragging my feet and don't quite understand why. I haven't been able to work consistently at my academic support job. I'm working the entire day one day and struggling to make it past lunch the next. It seems the job has lost its glamor or that I am mentally separating from it because I might be leaving soon. But, the greatest possibility is that I'm spending the time writing an article for publication and for some reason, I really struggle with that. Perhaps I lack confidence. I know that publishing an article will put me and my ideas out into the scientific community, and I would rather hide and observe at the sidelines right now. I don't have confidence that my work could be adequate and so I don't want to embarrass myself by attempting to publish it.

But, I think all of this stems from a deeper issue. My mind fights between lack of confidence and egotism and being prideful about my abilities. For any stretch of time, it seems that one of those has dominance. And right now, lack of confidence has dominance. I thought I had conquered pride, but I didn't realize I needed just as much to conquer lack of confidence. And probably more so because pride keeps me working, but lack of confidence stifles my productivity.

And so I fear the start of school because it brings with it the test of my abilities to finish my dissertation. I hear many times how others become sick and tired of their dissertation by the time they are done. But, that cannot be my problem because I am allowing myself very little time to do the dissertation and I remain content with only gleaning the top off the surface of my topic. Why do I remain content with that? That is my second fear, it appears that I graze a topic, formulate a study, and drop it entirely once I am done, without attempting to publish it. Must I continuously seek new stimulation rather than finding contentment in one topic to study deeply? I fear that in my attempts to secure a faculty position, it will become apparent how ill-equipped I am, how lacking in knowledge I am due to all this grazing. But, if I failed to finish this semester, would I just be hiding from myself, withdrawing from the next stage of life? Would fear win and I lose?

Summer vacation(??) is coming to a close...

I can sense the pull of the academic year starting all over again. It brings with it a certain measure of anxiety. It didn't used to...back in the glory days of my grad student youth, I fervently longed for school to start. But, not anymore. It is for the best, I think...for it indicates a changing of the wind. Or growth...or a desire to be on the other side of this academic fence, separating the grad from the prof. It is a time of transition. But, the question still lingers in the air, "Will I graduate this December?" And even if I do, will I have a job to move on to? But, most importantly, will I really be ready to live on the other side of that fence? That is certainly the question.

Leaving all that aside, things are moving forward for the start of school. I seem to be clearing my plate for the madness that is to come. I will no longer be teaching one of my classes. And I've managed to switch my other class so that I'll be teaching a class I've already taught before, rather than a new prep. In addition, the class is only held one day a week for 3 hours. I've never taught a 3-hour-long class before, but it certainly frees up my time during the rest of the week. I do have a number of other things to accomplish before school starts, but don't we all...