Time and Patience

I need more patience perhaps. Things always do seem to come together in their own time. But, I've always wanted to know what these things were before I saw them come together in the present. That elusive future has always captivated me with it's mystery. I just simply need to know what will happen. But, perhaps the knowledge itself would be painful if I knew it was to come but it wasn't actually going to happen yet. Imagine if your five year plan of what you would like to do actually became your five year plan of what you will inevitably do. Come to think of it, such knowledge doesn't sound that great after all. What if the inevitable is not all positive? I'm sure we all plan out positive outcomes for our lives, never negative. Thus, I should be patient with my future, letting it become the present when it will.

It's just that I can imagine what it will be like and I have all these questions. When will I actually get married? Where will I be living after this contract is over and I presumably move on? Will I land a tenure-track job? When will I start having children? All of this was put on hold and I never allowed myself to imagine it when I was working on my doctorate. The only goal I could see was that of graduating. Now that I have graduated, the future has opened up to so many more possibilities, but alas, so many more questions. The one most on my mind this morning has been, "What will my program of research become?" I suppose I should begin to exercise that patience.

Engagement

My boyfriend proposed to me yesterday! He sent me on an Easter egg hunt for plastic colored eggs, and said the golden egg held something special. When I couldn't find the egg, it turned out he set it on the coffee table while I was searching for the other eggs. He held the egg in front of me and opened it while he proposed. It was his mother's ring that was inside the golden egg. He told me that his mother had given him her wedding band and engagement ring, telling him to keep it until he was sure he had found someone special to spend the rest of his life with. I was so thrilled and honored to wear his mother's ring. I still need to get it re-sized before I start wearing it. No plans yet for the wedding date. I want to see whether he gets that job down here before we make any plans. But I must say it feels so wonderful to be engaged.

April Fools has brought Spring Snow

And unfortunately it left a couple inches to make for a delayed morning drive tomorrow. Oh how I wish it would be spring, and winter would unclasp its icy grasp. But mainly, I wish the semester would end already. Lately, I've been wearing down and struggling to get by. It is very tiring to teach every single day. The department chair observed my most difficult class the week before spring break. Some weaknesses and few strengths were brought up. Student feedback on the course was made available online as well. Unfortunately, the lovely internet feedback mechanism made it possible to compare my scores with the other instructors who teach the same class. I have some definite weaknesses according to the students, and most everything else is average. I have such a tendency to view critiques as evidence of personal failure and not as an opportunity to improve. I have been trying to make changes to my teaching. But, I've also been fighting the feeling that it is too difficult for me to improve and that these are non-malleable teaching failings on my part. A little bit of helplessness, anxiety, and depression has settled in the last few weeks as I grappled with my teaching. I think I'm feeling myself pulling out of it though. I'm starting to feel more confident about trying new teaching techniques. And today my last class actually spent the whole hour immersed in discussion. I scrapped my PowerPoint and carefully laid plans when one student asked if we could discuss people's coping strategies (we are on the stress and health chapter). It felt good to just carry on a conversation with the students about their experiences and how they deal with their stressors. But, I don't think other chapters will go the same way since this topic was so personal to them. But it was very nice to see what they were capable of. When teaching is good, it is very good. But, when teaching is bad, it is very bad.