Me vs. Ph.D. Graduation Requirements: Round 1, The Comps Project

Alas, I have begun to think about what it takes to graduate (you would think I'd have done that sooner, but I prefer to fly by the seat of my pants). The first obstacle before me are two comps projects. Luckily, I've been in the process of collecting data for two different projects that I'd like to count towards the comps projects requirement (yes, my advisor approves, I usually ask her about things after I've already done them). One of the comps projects follows from the grant proposal I wrote last fall. So I don't feel like I need to work on that one right now, especially since it's waiting for funding to proceed with some of the analyses. The other comps project is going to be on the research for which I won that student research award last semester (hold on...having a narcissistic moment...okay, I'm over it). I wrote a paper on it for class three semesters ago (this project has been going on waaay too long), but the focus of that paper is inappropriate for the comps project. Therefore, I have to write it from scratch.

So that's where I'm at: writing a paper that must be publishable quality on a topic that I long ago moved beyond (okay, that statement requires a non-parenthetical explanation). This topic draws from my master's work, which I completed 5 years ago (Yikes! Has it really been that long ago?!?!). I've lost some interest in the topic and shifted towards other topics. Actually, more specifically, I'm dabbling in many topics, which brings me to Concern # 1 beyond that of completing the comps projects themselves. Concern # 1 is this: If a Ph.D. is an exercise in developing expertise, shouldn't I pick one topic and stick with it? I've come to the realization that not only are both my comps projects completely unrelated to each other, but neither are related to my proposed dissertation topic. And I keep coming up with all kinds of different research projects that I think it would be fun to do (go with me here, I know some of you don't think this sort of thing is fun).

Here's my final deliberation: I should just do my comps projects, a couple side projects to satisfy my need for fun, and then focus on becoming an expert in one topic for my dissertation.

Is is just summer or have I lost my steam?

Summer has been here a whole month and I have lost all desire to do anything related to school. I ask myself, "Am I feeling this way because it is summer or am I suffering from burnout?" I really wish I knew the answer to this question because all graduate students understand that vacations do not exist. In our upside-down graduate student world, any break represents a time to get more research, writing, and reading done. So why do I see it otherwise? I feel like I am merely waiting for things to begin when in reality I am the one who should be putting them into motion.

So what am I waiting for......?

An exercise in narcissism

Ahhh....I love being narcissistic. You should try it sometime. It's very refreshing. So here's my latest engagement with the poorly appreciated personality trait of narcissism:

1) One of my best friends from high school filled out one of those surveys about yourself and posted it on her MySpace page. One of the questions was, "Name someone you consider to be a genius." She named moi! And gave my whole name, by the way. Now the whole world (or at least the readership of said MySpace page) can search for my extremely common name and fail to identify me in their quest to meet my genius self.

2) One of my undergraduate research assistants who helped me last semester has named me as one of his favorite people on his facebook page. In specifics, he has dubbed me, "Fearless Leader!" Now the whole world (or readership of said facebook page) can follow his link to my facebook page and view the one who bears the label of fearless leader!

And now that I have satisfied my narcissistic needs I sign off, recommending you try on the same poorly appreciated personality defect.

A fallen academic: Unveiling the fears of academia

I was just perusing blogs and fell upon this blog post. It reflected all my old fears about becoming a professor. A very successful academic had committed suicide and all that remained were questions. Why did she do it? Speculation about the pressures of academia ran rampant. The need to get published and get funding and become an award-winning teacher...Oh and by the way, try to have some meaningful free time with friends and family while you are at it.

I used to think such a life was impossible to achieve. How can one juggle so many things at once? How can one have a job that requires so much of you for so little in return? But, that's no longer my concern. You know why? Because now I'm confidant that I can do it. And I want to do it. I can't imagine living any other life but the life of an academic. I love research. I love discovery. I love learning. And someday I hope that I'll grow to love conveying the love of learning to others in a classroom setting. How can one squelch one's passion? And by leaving out the option of becoming an academic, I would be doing just that.

And what of family and friends? The woman who committed suicide left behind a husband and daughter. One of the commenters came to the conclusion that having young children and trying to get tenure was not compatible. I used to have the same belief. In fact, I've always declared that I won't have children while in graduate school for the same reason. But, I laugh! I never thought about the very next stage and how that would be just as difficult! If you hold on this belief, then there will always be a reason to not have children. If I waited until after I had tenure, I could very well be in my mid-to-late 30s before having a child. But, what is all that? Nothing but fear, nothing but rationalizing a preference for career over personal life and the love of a child. Do other jobs incite this level of concern in women?

I turn away from those concerns. But, my thoughts and prayers are with those who personally knew the woman. Nothing could be more tragic than the loss of an academic who is seen as a role model for others, one who excelled in her chosen field, one who had a wonderful family.

And I hope we don't come to the conclusion that academic life is too much to bear, that the pressures of academia were the very thing that drove her past the breaking point. But, if it was...let us bear each other's academic burdens so that we are not alone in our struggles.

Good Advice

Heh, heh...I got some good advice today from one of my favorite guy friends regarding the previous post. He said that I shouldn't mess things up and that all I need is better time management.

I think that's mighty fine advice if you ask me. I just need to find a balance between school and relationships. Time management could be the key.... :)

I've got the Blahs...

Ugh! This has been a rough couple of days...I think I'm reliving Karen's emotion-laden experience in a condensed and less intense form. I recently started dating someone and we've gotten fairly close. But, with closeness comes greater opportunity for disagreement. I usually have great difficulty expressing my most personal feelings and thoughts. Therefore, I'm more likely to run for the hills than discuss disagreements. Which is exactly what I did last night. I bolted. Over something so seemingly trivial as a disagreement about watching a scary show.

But, it opened up a whole can of worms...

Now today, I basically told him that I thought I had lost sight of my goals and purposes since meeting him and that I needed some time to myself. Scary, huh? Yeah, no scary movie can top that proclamation...