Freaking Out

One of my committee members can't meet when all the others can and I just realized I need to have them all meet together in two or three weeks. But, I can't get a time that will work! And then I need to do the analysis and write it up within a matter of days to defend in time. What was I thinking? How in the world is this going to even work?

Gendered Learning and Development

I was reading an article in the Chronicle of Higher Education today about the differences between the development of males and females in college. I was particularly surprised to hear what the research said about doing research with faculty members. I heard from other research findings that involvement in high-impact experiences, like mentored research, leads to higher retention and graduation rates. However, this article I was reading looked at how research with faculty affected beliefs about gender equality. Males who participated in research with a faculty member were more likely to develop more liberal views about the role of women. However, women who participated in research developed more conservative views about the role of women, believing women should be focused mainly on raising families. I was shocked. But, then I began to wonder if any of this had to do with the other findings that women are more academically engaged than men, but women have lower self-esteem about their academic ability than men even though they are actually doing better than men academically. I wonder if perhaps the time spent assisting faculty in research is stress-inducing for females, who believe themselves to be less capable than they are and thereby, they choose to elevate the role of caregiver, at which they expect to easily excel in contrast to researching.

I don't know. It just seemed rather disappointing. Perhaps if there were more women in the role of full professor, undergraduate women could participate in research with women mentors. Then I think women would not develop such conservative ideas about the role of women in society.

Along the same lines, I was also a little disconcerted by a conversation with a new grad student. Apparently, she has been receiving a lot of comments from her friends about putting school ahead of her husband and working on school-related things instead of spending each evening and weekend with her husband. She was asking me how my boyfriend and I managed things. I explained to her that pretty much all the time we spent together was comprised of me working on school-related things while he vegged. She just wanted to be validated in her decision to pursue schooling and all that it entails. I was just absolutely shocked that people are making those sorts of comments to her. Of course we as graduate students have to sacrifice our time with others in order to reach the ultimate goal of graduating. Of course our significant others, whether male or female, make the choice to support us by allowing us to allocate our time accordingly. And of course it doesn't matter whether we are female or male in that choice we make to pursue advanced degrees. I say we need more females pursuing advanced degrees and tenure track jobs. The Chronicle also states that females are far more likely to be in adjunct or instructor positions, whereas males are more likely to be full professors. But, both males and female undergraduates benefit more from female faculty members than male faculty members. We need more females in academia, but making women feel bad about failing to devote themselves entirely to their husbands doesn't help increase the representation of women in the position of full professor. I hope this is that last I hear about such comments being propagated among the supposed support systems of our young female graduate students.

Think Positively

I had a strange thing happen today. This morning I was reading a post for a listserve I subscribe to and I was really touched by the post. The author described feeling grateful to be alive because one year ago today he sustained a massive aneurysm. I almost cried after reading it. Then I moved on to later posts and one woman sent a mean post in response in which she basically said that the author's posts are too personal for the listserve, and furthermore, what sort of job does the author have that allows him so much time to write such a lengthy missive? I was rather taken aback. I wouldn't have been so concerned if she had politely asked him not to post such personal things on the listserve, but she was very spiteful about it instead. So I responded back, saying I appreciated the posts and perhaps we could learn from the author by taking time out of our busy days to write something positive about our lives and show our own gratitude. Since her response was so inflammatory, many other people responded in the author's defense as well.

After that, I realized maybe I should try to post some positive things on my blog instead of complaining so much. So I will....

Let's see. I got one small article written for my job and that made me feel pretty good. I also got some writing done on my dissertation and I'm hoping to finish a rough draft of it tonight perhaps. Oh, and my family safely weathered Hurricane Ike. The power is back on in their home and there was no major damage to the house. I think that is something to be grateful for.

Dissertating again...

I don't know when the slow transformation was made, but it seems that this blog has been filled with anxious and depressive content for some time now. Perhaps it started when I had to get moving with my dissertation and couldn't find a topic. And then I couldn't get permission to use the data and I had to change my topic. Now I'm trying to write a new dissertation proposal and it's taking me so long. The literature is so extensive. And every moment that goes by signals the fact that I have so little time left to make this dissertation thing happen this semester. I wish I had more time to do a dissertation on a topic that I would actually want to study after I'm done (isn't that what everyone else does?). I'm thinking about studying intellectual development of college students, but it would really help to know more about the topic. Sigh, perhaps later. I just wish I knew what was going to happen after all this....where will I end up working? What will I end up doing?

Prenatal Development

Ugh, I really don't like teaching on prenatal development. I don't know that much about it and it seems more like biology classes, where you just have to memorize a bunch of facts. And for some reason, my office mate thinks its funny that I'm a female and I don't know about prenatal development. Just because I'm female doesn't mean I automatically know that blastocysts embed themselves into the uterine lining in the second week of pregnancy before a woman even knows she's pregnant. Even if I had experienced my own pregnancy, that doesn't necessarily mean I should know that sperm get caught up in the lining of the fallopian tubes and undergo chemical changes which make them more likely to be able to dissolve the outer coating of the egg. Yeesh! I felt so disconnected from the material as I was teaching it. It really makes a difference when I get excited about teaching vs. trying to get through the dry material. If only I could just leave prenatal development out of my syllabus next time I teach child development.

Dissertatin...

Well, I don't have much to say except that I'm dissertatin. I actually feel like I'm making progress reading articles, which feels good. I sent an email out to everyone on my committee stating that I'm considering changing topics and soliciting their opinion. I got one positive response back already. I think I'll try to have another informal proposal meeting soon to solidify the analyses and the idea of moving forward with a different topic. I suppose I'm happy about that; I haven't really allowed myself to feel bitter about changing my topic. I keep telling myself that it is a change for the better and the response I got from one of the committee members confirmed that. The new topic is more in keeping with my degree in Ed Psych and it may help me out in the long run. It might even be the start of a research program some day. And it means I don't have to learn a crazy statistical technique, which I'm realizing I only have enough knowledge about in order to be a consumer of articles using that technique, but not to actually employ the technique. It's about time I saw myself realistically, limitations and all.

Grad Student Neuroses

I wonder what it will be like on the other side of the Ph.D. In my most dreadful moments, I imagine that it is going to be just like grad school, only I'll be making more money. I had a pretty strong case of grad student neuroses this weekend, culminating in the worst bout of it tonight. For my seminar class, I had to read three chapters and answer 9 to 13 questions on each chapter. I spent approximately 15 hours on it. And I agonized the whole week about whether I would get done in time. I was so frustrated by how much time it was taking me that I seriously considered dropping out of the class. I couldn't possibly spend 15 hours each week on the class, without even getting to the hard part at the end of the semester. But, we only made it through discussion on two of the chapters today and the prof said she would scale things down. So now I think I will still stay in the class, but my neuroses didn't end there. I was so tired that I decided to go see my boyfriend and go out to dinner to get my favorite chicken wings. But, on the way over, severe anxiety hit. I feared that I had made the wrong decision and that I should be working tonight. So after I got there and explained to him, I turned around and went back home to eat leftovers. Bleck! Life really sucks. So now I'm thinking to myself, is this what it's going to be like to be an assistant professor on the tenure track? Because if it is, life is going to suck for a really long time. Maybe I should just content myself with a slew of temporary adjunct positions....