I am soo exhausted.

I really love the fact that I get teaching over with first thing in the morning (class is at 9:30am). But, I have been having such a hard time adjusting to the schedule change. I'm a night person, so having to get up at 6am in the morning is slowly, but surely draining me. And it's throwing off my metabolism as well. I'm constantly hungry, but I can't each much at any one time. When I get home at 4pm-ish, I'm ravenous and completely brain dead. Sigh...

But, I'm a grad student and I have work that needs to get done at night, on top of the work that was done during the day. I can't be brain dead at night. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that blissful first year of graduate school...back when I was full of optimism and thought I could do anything. Back when I had time to myself and time to enjoy learning for classes.

But, on the other hand, I don't think I'd trade my stage in life with any other. I can see the end of this all. I have some really awesome people in my life and really great support from a number of sources. I consider this place home and there are plenty of things to be thankful for.

I'm thankful for it all.

And so it is...

I just finished reading Jael's new post and it was so nice to hear that she's doing so well. It made me feel rested and peaceful just to read her post. Just like Jael, I realize I haven't posted much of anything positive. So in response I thought I'd try to post something nice, too. However, I don't think I can quite pull of the same conveyance of peacefulness as she does.

It's been two weeks since school has started, but strangely enough, it feels like it's been forever, like as if I haven't been on break from school for the past month. At least I seem to have hit the ground running this semester. Things are still up in the air, though. I'm waiting for the new RA to start, probably not until March. I dropped two of my classes and replaced them with dissertation hours and directed study so that I can open up my time for writing. Teaching is going well. I have an amazing group of students this semester and I hope I can keep up the feelings of goodwill permeating the classroom. I found out that I can have six members on my dissertation committee. So now I can add on that sixth member who will obtain a dataset for me to work on. I also recently heard back from the neuropsychologist who supervised my externship. He revised a letter of intent for a grant that had been in the works for months. I had some fun reading over it and revising it. It seemed to come so much more easily than writing papers. Which reminds me, I have been able to find time to do some lit searching, reading, and note-taking for my directed study, which is going to become one of my comps now.

By the way, in my lit searching, I ran across an article on why it is not possible to tickle yourself. Seriously, the researchers had done neuroimaging studies on this topic and had come to the conclusion that the sensorimotor area sets up an expectation of sensation which blocks the effectiveness of self-tickling. Isn't that one of those no brainers? And secondly, how in the world did they obtain funding to conduct high-level research on that topic?!?! But, hey, I don't knock it. Sitting around and trying to tickle yourself seems like a rather entertaining research endeavor, especially if you are getting paid to research and write about "tickliness."

Autism

Connections, among connections, all leading back to autism, for some reason. My grad student friend, Tisha, just possibly got the position as research assistant for an autism grant. And then I got an email from an old friend of mine who announced that she got a new job in China to work with children with autism. And my little sister has a new research assistantship to code blogs of autistic individuals. Not to mention one of my advisers does fMRI research on autism.

From my little sister, I learned about the Autism Rights Movement, in which individuals with autism self-advocate for the rights of personhood. And I watched this video. And then I watched a related video advertisement for a speech/language/communication center that hounded the need for learning normal, typical communication. Such stark contrast...I don't know what to say...you will see for yourself.

Crazy Fluctuation Week

Wow, I don't even know where to start. This has been one week of shuffling around for quite a few other graduate students I know, including myself. One graduate student had conflicting schedules with the professor she's doing a graduate assistantship for. So he was left without a graduate student and I couldn't take the position because I was offered a new research assistant position, which I had just taken. As it turns out, he also asked Tisha, who had just taken a position as a coder the week before. But, she might be able to opt out of it and take the GA after all. We'll see what happens this week. She was very relieved about the possibility of shifting positions. And Karen has been having her own dilemmas regarding research positions.

The week before, I was very relieved about some of my stresses this semester, too. I was offered to subcontract outside of the university as a research assistant. And it turns out I would work with one of my favorite professors who is also subcontracting on that research project. Yes!! But, the only way I could possibly fit that into my schedule would be to drop a class. So I've spent last week trying to find out whether I can waive the class, which is required. Turns out I have to take a directed studies on the same topic as the class (development), but that I can tie it in with my dissertation. So I'm just going to write a short paper on the development of intelligence. That shouldn't be too bad.

But, then I went to my other class and got a little freaked out about how much will be required of me, tons of reading and a paper, and I felt lost the whole class period. So I had a melt down afterwards, and decided I needed to drop that class as well. I can drop that class without it affecting my course requirement, so that's what I'm going to do. I'll replace it with dissertation hours, which will open my time for all the writing I have to do this semester. I have to write two papers for comps, one paper on history of measurement, one paper on development of intelligence, and finish writing my dissertation proposal, in addition to teaching. All in all, I'm very relieved to be free of a couple of the classes I was taking. Now I just have one master's level class that I couldn't fit into my schedule until now. But, that class shouldn't be too demanding.

Teaching went off to a great start this semester. I really like my class. They are willing to talk and I've been able to be more interactive with them already. So we shall see how things go, but I'm feeling much better about it.

Another strange coincidence happened this week, too. My supervisor for my GA with freshman seminars called the head of the psych department about linking freshman seminars with psychology classes. He asked the department head to consider which psychology professors could teach a freshman seminar. My supervisor also mentioned my name and the work I was doing with them on attrition and freshman seminars. And then the department head said I'd be a great candidate for teaching a freshman seminar. I just burst out laughing when my supervisor told me about that! I couldn't believe the department head recommended me. And what a coincidence that I might be conducting research on freshman seminars through my GA while also teaching a freshman seminar on a contract through the psychology department. I just though that was ironic, but we'll have to see what happens. I thought I wasn't going to teach again, but who knows? Maybe I'll teach a freshman seminar, which is not a content class at all. It would be totally different. I might be better at it than teaching content courses.

But, we'll see. This semester might be doable after all and that's what I needed to know.

One Week Left of Vacation

And I'm already getting emails from school peoples in anticipation of school starting. My supervisor for my GRA is very excited about analyzing our data and wants to know when my work schedule will be and when I'll be back on campus. The professor I'm doing research with wants to check in with me this week in order to get a jumpstart on the semester.

I'm torn. I'd rather start the break over again, but then again, it would be nice to get back to doing school-related things. And I'm looking forward to having a class with my favorite professor, especially since he was on sabbatical last semester and I haven't missed a class with him since I started.

I would feel a whole lot better about starting school if I was done with my paper, though. Yeesh, there's always something.

I'm seriously considering bying this Demotivators poster

Reviewing the Past

I've had this strange desire to pour over all my previous blog posts. I've been trying to search for meaning from my past experiences. Trying to understand where I've been and where I'm going with the next year. I found some interesting themes. One of the most prevalent themes is my alternation between being egotistical and being unsure of myself. I really enjoyed reading my blog posts from my first year back in grad school. I sounded really sweet and adorable; and I rarely blogged about school stuff. But, I think I might have been a little hesitant. I would guess that was natural, considering I had just come from a difficult job.

Then I went through a time when I started to come out of my shell and find positive reinforcement for contributing to class discussion. I started blogging about the praises and affirmations I received, while still maintaining my surprise that such praises were directed towards me. But, then I just turned egotistical, authoritative, and narcissistic. I tried to rationalize it as a form of joking about myself and the narcissistic nature of academia. But, no, my tone had definitely changed and I was pretty confident in myself. At the same time, I was completely absorbed in school stuff and couldn't blog about anything else.

I noticed that after the first year, I was constantly blogging at 3am or 4am in the morning, unable to sleep because I was so overwhelmed by the amount of pressure and work I had to deal with. I was constantly writing blog posts that would frighten anyone away from becoming a grad student. And then I had to undergo the worst semester yet. Last semester was even worse than the previous semester. Its the first semester I wasn't able to finish everything by finals week and it was the first semester that I seriously considered dropping out of grad school. It was also the first semester that I took up teaching again since the last time I had taught, which two years ago. Teaching made me realize I wasn't as amazing as I thought I was, and that I had no reason to be so egotistical.

So I think the reason I went through those tough experiences last semester was to bring me through another season of reducing my pride. I just had to go through another pride reduction cycle. The last time I went through a pride reduction cycle I actually did quit what I was doing, but I made it through this time. I just really wish I didn't need to constantly go through seasons of building up my self-esteem and then tearing it back down. I really hope that this time I can learn my lesson and next year I can just lay low and get my degree and not worry about what others' think of me or what I think of me.

New Year's Resolution...or Not

I was reading my resolutions for last year and became very disappointed by my lack of progress. I didn't accomplish hardly any of the goals I had set. The important goals 1 through 5 were never accomplished. And I was shocked that I had planned to defend my comps projects last fall. I think that the haze of last semester made me think my decision to put back my comps defense until spring was my original plan. Yeesh! I should write out a graduation plan just to make sure I know when I'm falling behind. And Goal #8 (the neuropsych externship) really did sap my time and energy so that I couldn't accomplish the rest of my goals. And then I met my current boyfriend at the end of last spring semester. That pretty much shot my summer plans and teaching in the fall pretty much shot everything else down. Last year was really rough and I feel like a broken grad student.

The reason I say that is because I finally realize that I am only human and I can't fulfill my own expectations of myself. They are just simply too high. Secondly, having a boyfriend that I really care about has made me realize that there is far more to life than grad school. My priorities have shifted and school is no longer more important than my boyfriend, which was how I approached every previous relationship I've ever had.

So now I only have one goal--graduation. I will graduate this December. One year from now, I will be ready to move on with life and I will be done with this lengthy stint as a graduate student. I just want to say to all of you out there who are thinking about grad school--please examine your decision more closely. If you don't have very strong reasons for going to grad school, please don't go. (As a side note, getting a master's is only extended undergrad. In many cases, its really not worthwhile unless you continue your schooling and obtain your Ph.D.)

Finally, last semester has convinced me without a shadow of a doubt that academia is not for me. Imagine spending your first five years in graduate school striving towards the goal of becoming a professor only to realize in your last year that being a professor is not quite "it." And whatever "it" is you want to become is no longer clear to you. I think now I would just be happy with a normal job that would allow me to research something interesting. Any other dreams I once had (if I even remember them) just don't matter to me anymore.

And one final thing that really distinguishes the person I am now from the person I was last year is my attitude towards the start of the semester. Last year, I devoted many posts to an agonized desire for school to start. Now the impending start of the semester is a source of agony. I simply don't want the semester to start. I do not want to go back to school at all. If I could just forge a diploma and win the lottery life would be grand.