Ouch! Feeling more break-up sting

My previous boyfriend and I used to stay late in the building, working in our offices. Being the friendly guy he is, my ex knew all the janitorial staff that worked in the building. Over the summer, I got on friendly terms with them, too, considering how we were always together when my ex greeted them. Well, this evening, I wandered out to buy a bottle of water and saw the short, skinny janitor with the husky voice. Upon seeing me, he immediately said that my ex should be somewhere in the building, too (not knowing that we weren't together anymore).

I didn't know what to say, so I just played along and told him I figured he would have driven down to Denver already. So he replied, "That sneaky snake!!" I laughed and told him that I would tell him (my ex) that he said that. Sigh! I feel so weird! If I see that janitor again, maybe I should let him know that we're not together anymore. Ick! Blech! Such unpleasantness!

Okay, maybe one other class might turn out well, too.

My last class of the three I'm taking met today. And lo and behold, all of my favorite people are in that class. Ahh, soaking in the warm fuzzies. We might actually have a good time afterall (notice how I'm more interested in enjoying my classes than learning from them, hmmmm....). So even though I don't know the professor, yet. I have raised my expectation for enjoyment. Things are looking up....

Working hard or hardly working?

As it stands, hardly working. I'm at work in the computer lab, but hardly working at all. Of course, this job doesn't really require working. As the person in charge says, I'm only here to make sure nothing gets stolen. Best. Job. Ever.

What I like so much about it is that I can do my readings and other school work while I'm supervising the lab. Getting paid to do my school work. That's right, Higher Education, I have turned the tables and you are now paying me to study at your institution! So hah!

Problem is, I'm sitting here blogging instead of doing schoolwork. Hmm...defeats the purpose.

Anyways, it seems that I'm still having trouble getting into the swing of things at school. The only productive things I've done have been because other people were involved. So that is the reason why I want to give a big shout out to my research buddy. If it weren't for you, I'd be sitting in a puddle of mud, blissfully making mudpies, because right now this brain can't manage to learn unless you are there to help make sense out of complex, convoluted articles.

One bright spot

Ahh, relief, I see one bright spot in the midst. My measurement class met today with my favorite professor leading it. It was all I could do to keep a straight face and not burst into laughter. At one point, my fav prof stood in front of the board and said, "I feel so self-conscious standing up here because SHE's in the classroom." He pointed to me and I laughed, apologizing profusely for my disturbing presence. I wish this instructor was teaching all of my classes. I want to have fun in ALL of my classes this semester, not just one.

Back to School Blues

Returning to school has lost it's glamour. Instead of the usual excitement and familiarity of the sights and people, I am filled with a sense of dread and responsibility. More is required of me than I would like to manage right now. And there is no joy in it. Whatever drew me to this field? I can't remember anymore. I've lost interest in the Ed Psych Society. I don't really want to oversee research colloquiums. All I have left in me anymore is a simmering passion for conducting research. I was so disappointed in my class today. My own lack of interest and minimal background knowledge, in addition to seemingly inadequate group dynamics left something to be desired. It felt like one more chore to be tacked onto the to-do list. The instructor required a great deal of documented work, which reverted my attitude towards the class to an undergraduate mentality (i.e., just do what's required to get the "A"). I'm so tired to juggling so many things. The more things I must juggle, the lower I can throw each thing up into the air. Pretty soon it all comes tumbling down.

Just plugging away

School hasn't even started and I already have deadlines. Finished the abstract for the INS conference (INS actually stands for International Neuropsychology Society, by the way, in case you were confusing it with the other INS). Not too pleased with the way it sounds, wish I had 100 more words to use. I still have to write the GSA grant for the diet restriction project. My research associate told me today that money is already dwindling, so I had better get my application in soon. Yuck! At least this is keeping me busy. I've been spending too much time moping on the couch, nursing my breakup pain. I felt much better today after I had lunch with my Pastor and his wife. They know just how to encourage me. And I really appreciate them. So anyways, I suppose I'll get back to work now.

It's okay

My ex-boyfriend sent me one last email. Seems that he's managed to put a positive spin on things and I'm happy about that. We still don't understand each others' perspectives, though. But, overall, I think it's okay...

It's over

My boyfriend and I broke up today. He didn't take it so well. Based on his response, I'm a little scared to be anywhere near him. But, his office is only two doors down from mine. :(

Not so good anymore...

Meeting the parents seems to have been a catalyst for much argumenation between my boyfriend and I in the last few days. This does not bode well...

My boyfriend thinks my Dad looks like Hitler

My Dad does not look like Hitler; he just happens to have dark hair and a mustache. But still, I get a kick out of my boyfriend's first impression of my Dad. Invoking the personality of Hitler!! Or at least the physical appearance of said deceased dictator. Unlike Hitler, my Dad is a very humorous, pleasant person to play mini golf with. My boyfriend's character appraisal of my Dad? He's funny and an idea man.

My Dad enjoyed meeting my boyfriend as well and said positive things about him. Yep, he's a great guy. I think the funniest thing about the whole day was when my Dad asked my boyfriend about his military experience in Taiwan and my boyfriend explained that he was the basic training camp counselor. My Dad snorted and lurched forward while dropping his spoonful of food back onto his plate. Ohh! I laughed so hard. Let's just say my Dad was surprised to hear that a military camp provided counselors who made sure the troops were happy and entertained.

The other part of the day that made me laugh was when my boyfriend was talking about having a close relationship with his parents. Now that they are getting old, he wants to visit them as much as possible (implying that they could croak any time now). So my Mom asked him how old his parents are and he replied 57 and 60. My mother yelled, "What??" And I laughed hysterically as my boyfriend looked on in confusion. My parents are the exact same age as his parents and my Mom didn't want to be considered old. She thought my boyfriend was going to say 80. In fact, she works with the elderly; she is not considered one of the elderly.

My boyfriend explained to me that conditions for living are so cramped and polluted in Taiwan that the average life expectancy is 75. So he wants me to explain to my mother that life expectancies are different in the US and Taiwan, leading to different perceptions of "old." So I'll encourage my Mom not to think of herself as old and that my boyfriend doesn't think she's so old as to die any time soon. Other than that, my Mom periodically volunteered her high opinion of my boyfriend and my boyfriend likes my mother as well.

But, all in all, it was an entertaining day (for me anyways;)).

Oh, my gosh! I almost forgot I had a blog!

I have a very well-honed ability to put things off. My inability to get things done is incredibly well-practiced. Case in point, this is my fifth year of grad school in total and I'm nowhere near completion (sure, it spans three different programs, but still...). The best way to continue to accomplish nothing is to forget that you had intended to accomplish something in the first place. I sporadically experience vague notions that I have a great deal to do. But, luckily, these are quickly forgotten and I shrug off whatever it was. Tomorrow is the busiest day of my life and it keeps getting busier and busier. Thanks goodness Tomorrow never becomes Today or I might actually accomplish something.

School is starting soon and I feel very ambivalent about it. From the above, it can be inferred that I have not been accomplishing a few things. One could even say many things. Sometimes I would rather sit on my couch and explore the recesses of my own mind until the day fades into night. Such-and-such hangs over my head as ever-present evidence of things unaccomplished. In reality, it seems that whatever hangs over my head must exponentially increase with attached deadlines dangling over my brows before I take definitive action to reduce the cluttering To Do list. Ahh, deadlines define my world. But, could I impose my own deadlines? Not to save my life.

I love collecting books that I never read and reading books that are useless to me. My most recent read? I'm halfway through a book on parenting. Parenting?!? Hah! I don't even have my own child. Why didn't I read my book on common formative assessments or factor analysis or multifacet rasch analysis, even my new copy of the Journal of International Neuropsychological Society?

Hmm, let me see...I still need to finish data entry for my advisor, inventory collection for my other prof, catecholamine assay evaluation, article writing, abstract writing, grant writing, yada, yada, yada. And these aren't even the big things, just minor asides to the big things that I failed to accomplish. Wait a second! I don't remember assigning myself big things to accomplish. Phew! All is right with the world....

Where has my summer gone?!?

There's only a little over three weeks of summer left before classes start back up in the fall. Sigh! I wish summer could begin all over again because I have just that much work to do before school starts. I wanted to write articles for publication and read a couple of books; instead, I collected data and I feel like I did little else. Although, perhaps mentoring two high school-aged upward bound students was a large accomplishment in itself.

I've been bombarded with two instances in which I started something wholeheartedly believing I could accomplish it in a day. But, no...I make a small dent in the work and begin to realize that the work is far too much for a day's accomplishment.

It's so easy to get discouraged about that, especially since there is so little time before school starts again. Perhaps I should learn to manage my time better, but school overwhelmingly demands so much of my time. Not only will I be too stretched for time to accomplish what I had planned for the summer if I try to do it in the fall, but the small things that I enjoyed doing this summer may not be feasible for the fall, such as talking to my boyfriend every night for 30 minutes to an hour (or more).

Once again I am confronted with the very question I used to struggle so much with: do I lay aside building relationships to finish school on time, or do I enjoy relationships in order to get through the stress of schoolwork (risking a prolonged graduation date)? I suppose the best answer is a mixture of the two extremes. All in moderation...