Garf! Thinking too hard.

Sometimes after you learn more about a topic, you discover that something you said about the topic actually carried ramifications of which you were not aware. Or you could be thinking too hard and reading something into it that was not actually there. Now that I've introduced a borderline nonsensical abstraction, let me attempt to make it more concrete. I've been corresponding with a potential collaborator on a project that he has completed, but now needs to be analyzed. Therefore, I don't know anything about how this project was conducted, what the variables were, etc. But, apparently the project could be analyzed using SEM. I received two emails about the project that were relatively abstract and I attempted to concretize it (is that a word?) by thinking about how SEM could be utilized without knowing the exact variables. So I responded by speculating whether it would require parceling and whether there might not be more than one indicator per some of the latent traits (i.e, introducing elements of path analysis). What I did not realize until later was that parceling is a very controversial topic within SEM. To parcel or not to parcel? Apparently, that is a very loaded question. Furthermore, minimal numbers of indicators per latent traits is a no-no in SEM. So I think my innocent postulating could have insulted my potential collaborator. Hrm. Who knew that statistical techniques could be so "political?" Yesterday, he said he would write more on Friday, but he never did. Is the failure to write a function of my reply or simply reflective of a busy day with no time to write? See? This is where the second part of my earlier abstraction comes into play. Am I just imagining that an offence exists where no offence has been taken? I wish I knew the answer to that. I suppose I will have to wait and see.

I really like the newest prof

So funny! I wasn't too impressed with the prof when he interviewed last semester. But, I chatted with him today for about an hour and a half (time flies!) and decided that I really like him. He's an interesting character, and just as much enthralled by conducting research as I. We had so much fun talking about research ideas and the literature. Certainly, he knows the literature very well. For once, I felt challenged, like I was still a grad student who in reality doesn't really know her stuff that well. But, it made me feel great! Because I know that I don't know my stuff, and it's so exciting to hear all these new ideas and pieces of great research that I haven't heard of before. Ohhh.....

Plus, he offered to read my grant proposals from last semester and he's very excited about my research into diet restriction and cortisol. He responded to my email very quickly and said he'd read my proposals. He might make a good mentor or collaborator. I'm excited. I've amassed a cadre of research-oriented people who will enrich my intellectual development. He, he, he.

Surprising Discovery about Myself

I actually like reading stats methodology articles. How strange is that?!? I found myself enrapt by the author's recommendations on statistical procedures. There's only one viable conclusion:

I'm a nerd.

Ugh! Comparing myself to others

I read the other posts of grad students for our learning and cognition class. One of the other grad students blew me away with her post. Ugh! So here I am comparing myself to her. I may think big thoughts, but she expresses herself far better than I. Hmm, maybe I should get her to write my articles for me. He, he, he.

I've been inundated

I can't believe what's been happening to me this semester. I just got another email to start a collaboration with a former student of Fav Prof. Former Student just sent me five articles and detailed three major projects that I could get involved with, no "take the lead on," is what Former Student said. And yesterday, Advisor sent me five articles for the SEM project I was going to analyze with her and said the other collaborator would be excited, perhaps we could get this published soon. Tomorrow, I'm meeting with the coordinator and statistician for the research center for my GRA. I don't know what to do with myself. How am I going to do all this?!?! But, most importantly, I can't possibly give up on any of these opportunities that all fell into my lap recently, all of which involves immediate prospects for analyzing data using SEM and publishing. Whew! I don't know how all this happened, but I hope I can manage it.

Uhhhhh...

I'm still in shock and disbelief regarding the massive requirements on my time this semester. It's not that I'm filled with dread, it's more like I'm afraid of what's going to become of me. I really don't have enough hours in the day or night to accommodate what I have committed myself to this semester. I've decided that I'm going to have to relinquish all control over my research projects to my research associates. I simply can't run the projects myself and I can't even contribute to data collection. The only things I'm going to do are facilitate the weekly meetings and ferry the test tubes back and forth during two testing sessions (because I really don't want to have other people going into the bio lab, but I may have to give this up, too). I have three major projects and I'm going to assign one project to each associate (there's four grad students, but the fourth has limited availability and is really only along for the ride). Each grad student will be in charge of scheduling testing sessions, calling participants, managing test materials, testing participants, and coding data. I'm sure I'll still be in charge of the data analysis, but that comes later. I hope the grad students can handle being thrown into the fray of project management, although one has done her own honors project and the other has worked with me for over a year (it's still debatable whether she can take something on herself, though).

But, I think the hardest part is going to be for me to relinquish control. That's a tough one. I just might have some control issues. I just might feel this need to be in charge of everything and take care of it all myself. But, that's simply not feasible this semester. So the next best thing is handing it off to competent grad students (oh, please be competent).

Now I'm going to have to strictly schedule my time. I might even have to get up early in the morning, just to clock in and get a few hours of work done on the GRA before heading off to school. I was informed today that I got the GRA position and that I will be starting next week. Coincidentally, next week is also when the Neuropsych externship starts up. So that's 12 hours for the externship (plus 3 travel hours). Then there's 16 hours for the GRA. I work 11 hours a week in the computer lab as a consultant. I have 9 hours of classes and all three classes this semester are requiring massive amounts of reading, assignments, and huge writing projects. And I still have at least 7 hours of research to fit in my schedule. I'm concerned that I won't be able to balance work for the GRA and my readings, while managing to stay awake and alert.

Coffee, anyone?

All I want to do right now is...

Go home and go to sleep. Maybe get something to eat, too. I'm pretty sure that I didn't actually sleep last night. For one, I went from too little sensory intake to sensory overload within a day's time. The resultant effect was a need to process everything. And so I did, over and over again. But, every few minutes I would be reminded of the fact that with the possible addition of that 16-hour-a-week GRA, I might actually be over-doing it this semester. Not a pleasant thought to entertain all night long. Secondly, I realize now why I don't live with other people. I have to be alone in order to wind down from the day. Last night, I offered to let a new research associate stay at my house overnight because she has such a long commute. I was so wired-up by talking with her that I couldn't process anything until I was in bed. Once there, sleep eluded me until morning, when I fell into a headachey, fitful haze of semi-consciousness. I think I was also unable to sleep due to the novelty of having someone stay over. Oh, I have to clean, Oh, here's some pillow-cases, Oh, there's someone else in this house, sleeping right across the hall from me. This is going to be a weekly occurrence and I hope I can get used to it.

School is in session!!!! ...But, now reality has set in...

I've been reading a few academic blogs and for those who have already started (lucky you) I get the sense that they are filled with dread or overwhelmed or simply unenthusiastic about school starting. So I asked everyone I saw today how they felt about school starting. "So, ready for school to start?" "I'm excited! How about you?" Again, the general sense is, "Meh." I was beginning to think that I was abnormal until my evening class when I talked with my two newer research assistants and they were both filled with excitement about school starting. I laugh! Somehow, I manage to surround myself in my inner research circle with people who are just as crazy about school as I am. He, he.

I was excited all day long. But, alas, I'm winding down and at work in the computer lab until 10:30pm, and I just realized that my schedule for the semester might wear me out. I'll be traveling an hour and a half to Big City for the Neuropsych externship on Sunday night, staying all day Monday, and spending the night with my sister. Then on Tuesday, I'll put in another four hours early in the morning, drive an hour and a half back to town, meet with a grad student, go to a three-hour class, and then spend the rest of the evening working in the computer lab until 10:30pm. Wow! And that's only the first two days. The rest of the week is just as jam-packed. And now I want to add in a 16-hour a week GRA in which I will have to log in my hours? Aaaaaahhhhhh! Although, one of the other consultants said I should log in hours while I'm working in the computer lab. He, he, he. I love it! I'll get paid to work in the lab, while I'm getting paid to simultaneously work on the GRA research projects. Yes!

Right, let me provide an update on the GRA. I got an email back from her today and she mentioned that I could come by today to chat if I was available. Wow! She's interested! So I dropped by after work and we discussed the position. There's one aspect of the job that would really interest me and is related to state assessments. And she's trying to fill five slots. So I practically have the job if I want it, which I do. The question is just being able to find time to do the job when my schedule is so full with the 12-hour a week externship, computer consultant job, classes, and far too much research. Yikes! So my approach is to deny potential future problems and take it!

Well that's a surprise!

I can't believe the interesting coincidence that just occurred. Last week I was discussing different aspects of a future job in testing and assessment in school districts with my Dad and also with Fav Prof. Both mentioned the need to address testing of special populations, such as disability. I remember kicking myself because I declined a job opportunity involving just that topic last year. I applied for a GRA position with a center for disabilities research, but I didn't quite fit the job description. It turns out the interviewer brought me in because she wanted to see if I would be interested in being a project manager, not a GRA. I was a little surprised. I had just come from a grueling project manager position, and I didn't think I could do it and work on my degree at the same time. So I declined. But, last week I was kicking myself for having declined an opportunity to learn something that would be related to a future job.

So just this morning I checked my email and there it was... "That's a familiar name," I thought to myself. The person I had interviewed with for that GRA position last year sent me an email to personally invite me to apply for a new GRA position that was more directly related to the projects at the center. I was in shock. Last week I had just kicked myself for letting the opportunity slip past me and here I'm presented with the opportunity again! No more kicking! I'm applying and I hope to have a good chance at getting the GRA. I figure I have a good chance since the interviewer personally invited me to apply. It wasn't a mass email and she addressed me by my first name! She remembered me and wanted me to apply again! Huzzah! I'm amazed. This would be perfect if I could get the position. Tuition waiver up to 9 credits plus a stipend for 16 hours a week (now if I could just find 16 available hours...). And I'll be getting involved in projects in a research center. I'm so excited! I actually kind of miss the project manager position, maybe not the specific combination of people at that old position, but the rush, the feeling of doing something important, the access to data, the professionalism, the formality of it. Yes, I would like to get back into that.

Buzzing with excitement...can't wait to find out what happens next...

Amazing Week

This has been an amazing week. What a wonderful prelude to what I expect to be an overwhelmingly productive spring semester. I was fully consumed by one objective: to write two abstracts for submission to a conference. One would think that objective would be paltry, just an hour's worth of writing and away we go. But no, not so. Not so, indeed. The attempts were complicated by extreme alternations between data analysis fiascoes and brilliant discoveries.

The attempts began with the previously mentioned contradiction in results that lead to the separation of findings into two abstracts. I began by spending hours entering reaction time data and coding average reaction times for one abstract. Concurrently, I attempted to determine if I had reverse-scored the data incorrectly for the other abstract. It turns out I did (just one more example of my strange relationship with data: make mistakes, discover mistakes, and the cycle continues). But, unfortunately, the fix didn't change the outcome as I had expected. Though, it did cause me to re-analyze the dimensionality of the data and "work my magic" with the factor analysis. The resultant two-factor solution is so exciting, addressing the phenomenon on a specific and general level. I could not have planned it so perfectly beforehand.

Back to the first abstract. The results of the reaction time data were promising, but not conclusive. I needed to throw accuracy data in the mix as well. Research Assistant #2 and I spent hours working through the data: coding data into new variables, creating a new variable with four groups by combining two variables, transforming reaction time data, taking median splits, etc. We conducted a Chi Square analysis, which I have never done before. Essentially, we breathed life into the data, and brought to the light findings that finally provide both direct and indirect evidence of what I thought all along. Yesssss..........The study that originally seemed so disappointing has actually demonstrated some rather fascinating results. (Uh, huh, that's what inner contentment and satisfaction sounds like.)

I fired off the abstract to Advisor and she was completely blown away and wondered whether we figured these analyses out by ourselves or Fav Prof told us to do it. Nope, it was all us and our brilliantly statistical minds (he, he, he). She even thinks it merits publication.

And now I'm blown away. Time to make a tangible impact on the research community by publishing my research...(drumroll please...)

School Fix

Ahh...perfect day. I got a nice school fix today. In the morning I met with another graduate student who is going to be sharing my office, actually it's Research Assistant #2. Then I met with my advisor; but she was in a flurry, trying to do too much. We talked for awhile about my results anyways . The results are very contradictory and hard to explain. She suggested I leave half of the results out because they consisted of a smaller subset of the data, in which the sample size was probably too small to have confidence in the results. Of course, I balked at that because the contradiction was the most interesting part. We were in the middle of our conversation when Fav Prof came by. Yeah! I was so excited to see that Fav Prof was on campus. So then I tried to see if I could meet with Fav Prof, while trying to make it clear that Advisor was still the advisor and I was going to be emailing Advisor the abstract about the findings were were discussing.

It was such a relief to talk with Fav Prof about the results. It felt like Advisor was too frazzled to really help out. Also, it appears that Fav Prof and I seem to talk and think on the same wavelength, whereas Advisor and I don't connect as well and sometimes I get frustrated when I talk with her. Fav Prof made two suggestions that were the same as Advisor's suggestions, but I seem to receive the suggestions so much better from Fav Prof. It could also be that Fav Prof suggested I separate the findings into two abstracts, whereas Advisor thought I should just drop one of the findings completely (which made me feel frustrated again, at least Fav Prof thought the results could be useful without trying to analyze them in connection to the other variable). Both thought I should look at the reaction time data as well. I'm pleased that the two advisors are giving similar advice.

Then I spent a considerable amount of time speaking "academic speak" with Fav Prof. Whew! I really needed that. Now I feel so much better about my missing-school blues. And my mind is full of exciting ideas spawned from the conversation.

Contented sigh....

Sigh..I miss school

I think I figured out the cause of my general feeling of malaise. I miss school. I miss constant interaction involving academic speak. The last time I spoke academic speak was a week ago when I chatted with an academic at the New Years party. A whole week! And school doesn't even start until a week from Tuesday. Sob! I don't know if I'm going to be able to make it until then. Luckily, I'm trying to meet with my advisor next week and a couple of grad students. I've decided to go into school tomorrow and organize my office so that I can experience some semblance of school. I bet I would feel better if I chatted with the administrative assistant, too.

You know, on some level, it's pretty strange to feel depressed because school is not in session. I must be abnormal even for a grad student! Now that I think of it, I was depressed when school ended last semester, too. Yeesh...it's pretty sad when you feel like you can't go four weeks without being in school. I just need intellectual stimulation through conversation with like-minded academics!! Argh! My mind is wilting! My very being requires academic subsistence!

Sigh...just one more week...I can make it (sob).

Existential Crisis?!?!

Meh! I've been thinking about what the broader purpose is behind my intent to get this Ph.D. Usually, I'm fine with just going with the flow and concerning myself with immediate pressures. But, school hasn't started yet, and I'm itching for some structure so that I'm not left to my own devices. If left to my own devises, I will spend too much time examining and analyzing everything in my head. So here I am, thinking about how the last few years tie into my purpose and future goals, and how the next few years will lead to the accomplishment of those goals. Okay, okay, that sounds like a fancy way of saying, "Where do I see myself in the next five years?" Though it feels like more than that simple question. I feel like I need to know more specifically what my goals are so that I can begin setting up the experiences I need to prepare myself for those goals (i.e., job).

A look back at my past suggests that I'm preparing for a career in academia, but I've decided that I don't really want that. (It is my opinion that most academics are psychologically maladjusted and that is what led them to choose such a career. I'm joking, people...). The alternative lies outside academia and I have a whole lot less understanding of what occurs in that mystical place (some people might call it "The Real World"). I spent about 7 months in this so-called Real World and fled back to academia as fast as these little feet could carry me. So as you can see, there appears to be some conflict. (At least I can be sure that I'll be overqualified to work in Burger King.)

More specifically, I'm feeling the pull to graduate approximately two years from now. The other fact of the matter is that I also feel like I'm throwing together a graduate education that is a splattering of this and a splattering of that, without any cohesive underlying purpose. For example, my master's is in neuropsychology. I spent a year in cognitive neuroscience and 7 months as a project manager in education (yes, that was the 7 months I was fleeing from, funny that it shaped my subsequent interests in educational assessment). As my means of escape, I knew I could easily and quickly get re-accepted by the U where I obtained my master's degree (he, he, I just have to laugh at this). Now I'm in a Ph.D. program for Educational Psychology, but more recently my interests have solidified in the area of test development. Hence, the feeling that I have to make extra effort to seek out experiences for a specialty that is not offered by my program. Ugh! Meanwhile, I'm trying to conceptualize how my Neuropsych externship and background fit into all this. Hmm, let's just say I'm eclectic.

In the future, I think I'll be involved in educational testing in a school setting. Maybe neuropsychology will help within a context of cognitive testing for gifted/LD/TBI students. Perhaps I should continue my insistence on conducting projects that involve the application of SEM and IRT. Even if the topics of research are not directly related to education, the stats can be applied to the ed testing context. And above all, I'm just hoping that if I land myself a job in a school setting involving test development, that I'll instantaneously know how to accomplish all aspects of the job aside from the stats...

Oh, oh, painful flashback to the project manager position in which we were preparing to conduct a field test of items in the schools and I had no idea that we would need to obtain IRB approval to do that (and nobody else on the team even mentioned it, apparently assuming I would know that critical piece of information?!?!?). Gah!

Discovering Mistakes Never Felt So Good

I have a propensity to make little mistakes. In most cases, mistake-making is the bane of my existence. However, I also have a propensity to discover mistakes. So everything seems to work itself out in the end. Let me illustrate...

Over the break, I discovered that I hade made a mistake that went unnoticed for a few weeks and yielded incorrect results for my experiment. This was probably the most time-intensive attempt to fix the mistake as well.

I had accidentally administered a 5-point likert scale rather than the 4-point likert scale of the same survey. The only difference was the existence of a "neutral" option in the 5-point scale. Unknowingly, I went on to code the data as if it was a 4-point scale, which affected the total scores and the z-scores for the survey results. Then I entered these incorrect scores into the compilation of results from the rest of the experiment and analyzed the incorrect data. The results were not unusual, so I had no reason to suspect anything. However, the results were marginally significant, which was not what I was hoping to find.

As I played with the new set of survey data over the break, I finally noticed that a portion of the data had the number 5 when the numbers should only go up to 4. Then I proceeded to spend an inordinate amount of time backtracking until I had discovered where the mistake had originated, finding the raw data and redoing data coding, moving data to the correct files, and re-scoring everything. Blech!

But, now I re-analyzed the data and I have significant results! Yes! A better outcome of this mistake could not have been imagined. What a relief!