Hmm...maybe there's something to these quirky online surveys

You Should Get a PhD in Liberal Arts (like political science, literature, or philosophy)

You're a great thinker and a true philosopher.You'd make a talented professor or writer.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

Sigh, grant writing...what else can I say?

I attended a focus group on grant writing for NSF this morning. Unfortunately, I was the only graduate student in attendance. But, I managed to find the women's table and it was all good. (I don't know why the attendees were arranged by gender. Seems a little strange.) I met a very nice woman who just began her first year teaching here and she offered to read my proposal. So I looked her up online and discovered that she is only one and a half years older than I am, and she even completed her postdoc before joining the Chemistry Department here. Ahhhhh!

Quick, somebody give me a Ph.D. right now before my pitiful ego fully realizes the situation!!

Ulp! Too late. At least I learned a few useful tips for grant writing and it energized me enough to begin working on describing my research experience. However, the experience fully reminded me that I am still a graduate student and therefore, I am not at the same level as faculty. I seem to forget that occasionally, especially since last week my fav prof wrote an email to me and addressed me as Dr. Last-Name.

He, he, he. He's got that right.

Reflections of blog reading

I've been reading other grad student's and professor's blogs lately and it sounds like a few readers have noted that some profs complain about their grad students online and vice versa. I can imagine that this would be incredibly painful to read. So then I searched my archives because I vaguely remember writing something negative about my classes, but I don't think I identified the classes in specific. I also remember that I wrote a great deal about my angst with teaching last year.

I just hope that nothing I wrote will ever offend anybody or come back to haunt me.

You know you have a fruit fly infestation when...

You find a fruit fly entangled in your loofah. Yuck!

Another strange search term that lands you here

Okay, this is getting a little weird. Another search term that led someone here was the phrase "James Mark Baldwin" bordello. I'm actually starting to get a little paranoid that a certain prof in my department is putting these particular search terms in google in order to find me. He knows that I blog, and I've dropped the name of my blog before, and these are particular terms or topics that he's taught us in two different classes last semester.

Hey, you prof! Stop looking for my blog! There's nothing interesting to read here (invoking the Jedi mind trick). And I've never blogged about you before (using your real name, that is).

Hmm...paranoia...not good.

A search term that sends you to this blog

Somebody found this blog by searching the terms "guttman, coefficient of reproducibility." Ahhh! Ha Ha Ha! And all this person got was a 3:30am rant about how I don't understand Guttman scaling, followed by my miserable attempt to explain it. Okay, I have to stop rolling on the ground laughing now. This was just too much. Good luck and try a different website. Heh!

Academic gossip: To indulge or not to indulge?

One of the other grad students began gossiping about his own office mate today. Something to do with his failure to defend his master's and submit the thesis to the grad school. And perhaps his quest to apply to every Ph.D. program we have in this building in order to stay here. Then being rebuffed by said programs because of his non-finalized master's. All I can say is, I tried to counter everything this grad student said based on my own knowledge. What do you mean? Didn't he just defend his thesis last semester? Really, I think he just wanted to perfect the thesis, but his advisor told him to submit it. What? I though he only wanted a degree in School Psych. No, he has a master's in stats, too. He could have just gotten his Ph.D. in stats, but he wanted to go into School Psych. And he was accepted, by the way.

I mean, come on! You are his office mate and you don't know the things I know about him? Stop gossiping! Who are you even talking to about this? Are you people gossiping about me, too? God forbid!

I could swear the psychology master's program attracts certain kinds of people, namely gossips! I'm almost glad the program got slashed. No more gossips, I say!

Parallel Distributed Processing: An example of my ability to regurgitate words without understanding

Here's an example of my class project for tomorrow. All I have to do is find an article that is relevant to the readings and then describe it. Doesn't sound so hard, right? WRONG! See for yourself. (I actually wrote this, please don't steal without citing me.)

Rogers and colleagues (2004)* developed a parallel distributed processing (PDP) model of semantic knowledge based on Wernicke's theory that the interaction of different modalities gives rise to semantic knowledge. In particular, the authors selected visual representations and verbal propositions as input for the PDP model and conducted hierarchical cluster analysis on the results of norming studies of attribute lists and drawings of objects in order to determine the structure of a set of objects (e.g., animals, fruits, and man-made artifacts). With input across modalities (i.e., verbal and visual) the PDP model was able to learn the name of the object given a certain set of visual and verbal information (e.g., has stripes) that distinguished the object from another semantically related object (e.g., zebra vs horse). The structure that the PDP model yielded was very similar to the structure based on the norming data, but the structure incorporating information from both modalities was slightly different from the structure derived from either modality individually. The authors suggested that the PDP model was composed of hidden units that mediated interaction between input units from different modalities and output units. Rather than being a repository of facts about objects, these hidden units encode the semantic similarity relationships between objects. Therefore, the authors suggest that the re-representation of objects based on interacting information from various modalities is an important function of the semantic system.

Rogers and colleagues (2004) tested the model against neuropsychological data on various tasks given to semantic dementia patients, whose ability to name objects steadily decreases with time. Semantic dementia patients present with bilateral deterioration of the temporal pole. Correspondingly, the authors increasingly degraded the number of operational units and ran simulations of neuropsychological tasks by presenting the model with inputs and determining whether the model could give the correct output. Varying the severity of the degradation of the PDP model mimicked error patterns in dementia patients at different stages in the progression of the disease. For example, without the operation of units that specified unique propositions, the model tended to drift into another "attractor set" that resulted in a semantically similar answer (e.g., "dog" rather than "goat"), or different "attractor sets" merged into a more typical pool and the input resulted in a correct answer that was more superordinate than would typically given (e.g., "bird" rather than "raven"). Also, at more severe disease states, corresponding to greater overall degradation, the typical output was a failure to provide any answer at all (i.e., anomia).

By combining neuropsychological and computational modeling techniques, the authors concluded that the results of the study provided evidence that an amodal PDP model is a good representation of the organization of the semantic system. The temporal pole is organized in such a way that it receives input from all of the sensorimotor association areas. Therefore, the temporal pole is a good candidate for the seat of the semantic system, because it fulfills the function of the hidden units in the PDP system by integrating and re-representing information from various modalities to arrive at the correct semantic output.

Makes sense? Yeah, I didn't think so. Now I have to present this to the class tomorrow. But, I have to describe it in layman's terms which is significantly more difficult than a technical write-up in which I try to summarize in my own words, while remaining faithful to the verbiage of the original article. Now I have to assume my audience doesn't know anything about the topic and I'll have to explain what absolutely everything means. Wish me luck. I'm going to need it.

*Sorry, I decided to delete this reference because I gave it out to everyone in my class and they might decide to search for it and find this blog. (Use Google Scholar, people! Not just plain Google. Please comment if you would actually like to find this reference.)

You know an article is boring when..

Two paragraps down the page, you stop reading because you realize you've been thinking about your research rather than bothering to understand the meaning of the text.

This is the most boring article ever...

Let's see, what else besides blogging can I do to avoid reading it?

This has been a week of interesting elevator rides

This time I found myself riding the elevator up four flights with my ex-boyfriend. It was okay, though. He apologized for his behavior after we broke up and the things he said or wrote to me. He said he was fine now and he understood.

I apologized for, well, everything, which I'm assuming includes the breaking-up part. But, I didn't know what I was talking about, so I just tried apologizing, too.

It was all perfectly fine, but I felt weird. He conveyed confidence, and didn't seem to have a problem with running into me. That eased my mind, and made me a little more comfortable with the concept of running into him in the elevator.

I'm glad to hear that everything's okay with him. But, kinda not so glad to get the impression that I may be having a more difficult time getting over the break-up than he. Meh...

This elevator coincidence thing is getting a little too strange. Maybe I'll start taking the stairs...

Grocery store incident makes me sad

I went grocery shopping today and as I pulled up to the counter with my frozen dinners (insert ramen joke here) I noticed a pair who were buying a couple sixpacks of soda. The lady counted out her coins on the conveyor belt and came up short. She was trying to buy 2 or 3 dollars worth of soda with only change. Finally, the man returned one of their items and they payed for only the other item. I felt an immense sense of sadness at their plight and my own sense of embarrassment if I was in their place. I wanted to offer my own coins, but I only had pennies (no cash) and I didn't know how my gesture would be received. I felt immobilized in indecision, sadness, and embarrassment.

I could empathize with them. Many times while growing up, my family lived below the poverty line. I remember just such a situation happening to us as well. We had poor credit and income. I really don't understand how it worked, but a credit card company issued my parents a credit card only with a $50 limit or even rescinded the card after giving it to us. We headed to the grocery store and loaded up the grocery cart with more food than ever before. But, as we went to buy the food, the credit card wouldn't work. With no other means of paying, we left the cart filled with bagged goods in the store that day and walked out empty-handed.

I wish that people didn't have to feel the strain of lack of money. But, yet today I indentify myself with middle-class America. I have various memories of poverty in childhood, but somehow I don't own them. They are not my own. Like as if they never happened. We had moments of riches, too, when we lived in mansions and held memberships in country clubs. But, I don't own those memories either.

I know that one can choose one's future, but how is it that one selectively chooses one's past?

In an elevator with Scary Professor (okay, maybe she's not that scary...)

Seems I'm getting the chance to redeem myself of my prideful idiocy of the past. I spent five years here laboring away at a (nearly combined) undergrad and master's program. Then I left for two years and came back a changed person. The most changed aspect of myself being the reduction of my pride and relatively massive ego. I must defend myself, of course, because in my field, having a "well-developed" ego is imperative, and in some cases, necessary to survival. In fact, criticism of research is thrown around so easily that one must be pretty self-assured to develop and test one's own theories. I'm a theory person as well. In fact, I took a silly IQ test on Tickle.com some time ago and it also analyzed the pattern of responses to come up with my thinking style. According to the online test, I'm a "revolutionary philosopher." Of course, the validity is highly questionable, but since the results are so amusing and "dead-on," I'll overlook such a "minor" issue. Anyhoo, now that I've lead you to question my so-called ego-reduction, I'll move on to the purpose of the post.

I am going to eat my words and I just might take a class with Scary Professor (search archives for previous reference, I'm too lazy to link to it). Many years ago, Scary Professor and I had a "misunderstanding" and I have since then vowed never to take a class with said professor. Circumstances changed, however, and I found myself faced with the prospect of taking a necessary class with this prof.

Interestingly, I ran into this prof in the elevator and we chatted nicely. She seems nicer than I remember. Coincidentally, the topic turned to the class she might teach: structural equation modeling. (Cue reverent music.) After chatting with her, I just might change my perceptions and take the class. It's about time I got over myself. Athough it helps that she doesn't seem to remember me and thinks I'm a new master's student. Sweeet! So I feel like perhaps I'm getting a chance to make up for some of the egotistical mistakes I made in the past. Tis a good thing.

Coffee at 12:30am is never a good idea

It is now 3am and I cannot fall asleep because of that one cup of coffee that I drank at 12:30am in order to energize my mind enough to comprehend my readings. Sometimes a series of stupid decisions is made that completely embarrass me. Like this one perhaps. I was riding a high wave after the episode of genius in class (he, he) and in order to balance out the universe, I proceeded to descend into the realm of stupidity. It was fine when I decided to write out checks for bills before starting the reading, but then I absorbed myself in internet musings and travel through interwebs of information. No other activity holds fast on my attention as browsing the internet. I then find myself drifting into sleepiness at a time that I normally go to bed. Unfortunately, my readings still beckon my name, calling from the depths of pages made of paper rather than a rapidly refreshing screen. I heed the call, but not without reinforcements in the form of caffeine. Oh, caffeine, my friend and foe. Giving me a boost of energy that lasts beyond the desired time frame. For here I am again, late into the night, realizing that drifting into sleep is only composed of feelings of floating and wheels churning in my mind. All the result of a bad series of decisions. Although one thing is for sure. My late night ramblings are more interesting than the writings I produce during the day.

Having released my thoughts into the web, perhaps now I can sleep.

Procrastination, Thy Name is Kiki

Why? Oh, why? Oh, why do I allow myself to play around on the internet when I have 25 pages to read for the next day? Why???

Sometimes I surprise even myself

My game was on tonight in class! We were talking about intelligence in our Individual Differences in Cognition class, and I surprised even myself with my keen insight and fluid responses. I do not know where that came from, but I spoke with authority and responded to nearly everyones' presentation with a deeper or alternative explanation for the findings. I spoke clearly and concisely and even used big words (ohhh!). I was amazed as well to find that almost every time I said something, a chorus of "Ahas!" would ensue as lightbulbs went off in peoples' heads. I'm not trying to puff myself up. I'm actually surprised and impressed with myself, having not expected such capacity in my own self.

I think what really happened was a combination of a few factors. For one, I knew almost everyone in the class and I felt very comfortable with them. Secondly, the instructor cultivated a class atmosphere in which everyone was working together to enhance each others' knowledge, rather than competing for attention and "best student" status. And third, my confidence began to soar throughout the class as I experienced success after success. Finally, after spending four-and-a-half years in graduate school (admittedly, different programs from cognitive, neuropsychological, and educational perspectives) I have finally accumulated a knowledge base vast enough to accommodate complex associative networks of information. And I have somehow managed to combine information in a quick and novel way to address questions and findings in class.

Could it be that my disposition and my graduate education have combined to form a better, more intelligent self that does thrive in the academic culture? Or perhaps, in reference to my previous post, I actually need to be in an environment that allows me to shine as a relatively superior student in order to learn in confidence, whereas competitive environments would stifle my abilities and lead to lack of learning due to high anxiety? I think that had I remained in my previous program, I would not have had as many chances to shine, so to speak.

In conclusion, intelligence is relative; I appear to be more intelligent here, whereas I would have appeared "average" in comparison to the group of students in my previous program. (Of course, I have a larger and more diverse background than some students here. I would not imply that intelligence is completely "innate" and people can be ranked in intelligence regardless of their background, but of course everyone confers with that statement nowadays. I'm just covering my backside.)

Confused and curious

I was figuring out how to fill out the basic paperwork for the NIH-NRSA fellowship application yesterday, and somehow found myself wondering whether my previous advisor at a different university had accepted new grad students. I think I was prompted by the fact that I was first introduced to the idea of applying for the fellowship while I was at that university.

I looked up the website for the lab and found a link to the lab team. As expected, the group of people was rather large and there was my former advisor looking cheerful and pleased with himself. I really did enjoy working with him and I would have stayed if not for an acerbic relationship with the only other grad student in the lab. We came in together and she expressed self-entitlement and created a sense of competition where none was necessary.

Anyhoo, I searched the whole picture and could not find her face. Curious, I figured she was missing that day. So I looked up the link to current grad students in the lab and found that her name was missing there, too. How strange! I haven't been gone long. She couldn't possibly have graduated so soon! It's only been three years since we started and the typical duration is five/six years for a Ph.D. in that department.

So now I'm wildly curious about what happened to her. Did she switch labs? Did she quit? Did she get a Master's and leave? Did she transfer to a different university? Ugh! Now I feel like if I had just held on long enough and stuck it through (though believe me, it was a living hell) that maybe I would have outlasted her and had the lab to myself. Oh! How I hate second-guessing myself and my decisions. Quitting that program was undeniably the hardest decision I ever made. And she made motions of desiring to quit because the circumstances under which we ended up there were not pleasing to her. But, I figured she would never quit.

So then I entertained thoughts of doing a postdoc there, but such is not possible. I've switched fields. Do I actually miss it there? Am I at all displeased about being here? (Recently, yes, but I think that's entirely due to the recent break-up. And perhaps the workload.)

I'm second-guessing myself again. I would not have been successful or happy there, and the past is gone. But, I wonder, what if she had never been there to begin with? Would I be on my way to a Ph.D. in cognitive neuroscience by now?

I think this blog is mainly an emotional outlet for me

My favorite mutual friend of the ex and I dropped by the computer lab to return the stats book I loaned him. He asked me how I was doing and I was doing fine until he asked. No tears, but instead descension into doldrums. He was concerned about me and offered a listening ear if ever I wanted to talk, which was incredibly kind of him. But, now I am reminded of everything that happened in the last two weeks. And without my permission, my spirits have fallen and stayed low.

I think I had better stop thinking and start reading my book for class. Maybe that will distract me. Although I highly doubt it.

Combating Illness

Twas a strange day today. I woke up feeling like perhaps I might be coming down with a cold. So I took vitamin C and zinc. However, on my way into school, I felt such horrible stomach cramps. I hoped it was just gas, so I tried burping. But, on my way into the building, I threw up a little in my mouth. Alarm bells went off inside my head and I just barely made it into the bathroom before projectile vomiting into the trash can. In the midst of all this, one of the professors I know from a different department came in and the first thing she said was, "Are you pregnant?"

Whoa! Hold on a minute there! That's not the first thing that pops into my mind when I see someone throw up. I would think, "Oh, poor thing is sick." So now I'm embarrassed because she thought I might be pregnant, in addition to being embarrassed because she found me in the process of throwing up.

Oi vey! She was very nice, though, because the next thing she did was whet a paper towel and hand it to me with a dry towel as well.

So I collected myself and managed to meet with my advisor and the Ed Psych Society for the next two hours before heading home. Yes, I'm crazy, but I just spent 20 minutes getting from my house to the psych building and I was not about to just go home without doing what I came in to do. (Hopefully without spreading my germs in the process.)

Illness! You are on notice! Prepare to die a swift death! You will rue the day you decided to make me ill!

What gender is my brain?

Your Brain is 47% Female, 53% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

Weekend is over

So sad to return back to normalcy. The weekend spent with my sisters was an act of self-denial because whatever I wanted to do was no longer the prime consideration. My primary responsibility seemed to be "distracting," I mean "playing," with the children while the rest of the adults accomplished important things. It was actually very nice because I pushed all thoughts of school to the back burner and just hung out with the family. Although today I was mildly depressed at the thought of returning and working on school stuff all evening.

Sigh! It is an undeniable fact that the first year of any program allows plenty of time for loafing around and enjoying oneself. At the beginning of the second year (ahem, which is where I'm at right now) any semblance of a "life" is extinguished. In fact, "reasonable" expectations for workload are scoffed and life descends into a whirlwind of obligations and responsibilities that pull one in so many different directions that any sane person would bail out while there's still time. (Which is actually what I did in my previous program, but alas, I returned to grad school, so I believe that I no longer qualify to be labeled "sane.")

But, I've read a few other academic graduate students' blogs and I realize that I'm not the only one who experiences constant doubt about my own abilities to accomplish what I've started out to do with this thing called grad school. It's actually encouraging to hear other grad students complain and agonize online, because in everyday interactions we all hide our self-doubt and put on a face of competence and vigor. So even though I have too much to do, and the mere thought of it all causes my brain to freeze, I will trudge forward and perhaps someday it will no longer feel like I'm merely trudging.